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Post by Moriji on Jan 4, 2004 1:51:36 GMT -8
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Post by geisha on Apr 22, 2006 10:46:45 GMT -8
Where can I find information on losing a real or a surrogate parent, with whom I connect both bad (very bad, think incest) and good memories? I am really confused after my stepdad's death last year. I have tried normal webbsites on "surviving the loss of a parent", but it is not the same. Thank you.
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Post by healium on Apr 27, 2006 8:09:34 GMT -8
Hi Geisha,
I read your two entries and wanted to say welcome and that I'm very sorry for what you've gone through.
I really identified with you saying you felt your body was not your own. For me, that has been a key to understanding the abuse. We lose the safety to inhabit our bodies from the inappropriate presence of someone having penetrated our inner space covertly.
I do have a book recommendation: it's Anne Heche's "Call Me Crazy". Although the abuse she experienced was by her blood father, the process she went through in regards to her father's death seems very relevant.
Thanks for including yourself here,
Helium
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Post by seayshore on Apr 27, 2006 19:18:20 GMT -8
I would like to say also to Helium, thanks for this book suggestion. It was given to me as a gift and I have not read it yet..now I will make it the next one I pick up. What you had to say is exactly the point, I've never heard it put so well when you said, " We lose the safety to inhabit our bodies from the inappropriate presence of someone having penetrated our inner space covertly." That is just awesome, thank you. Laura
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Post by healium on Apr 28, 2006 7:08:19 GMT -8
Hi Seayshore,
In regards to what I said; "We lose the safety to inhabit our bodies from the inappropriate presence of someone having penetrated our inner space covertly." Thank you for the acknowledgement, so much.
I got to this by trying to define just what exactly was the effect of the trangression upon my own healthy relationship with myself - beyond victim and perpetrator positions. What I feel was the cause was that I absorbed within me the personal demons of my mother. The shame and the desperate needfulness was not mine but it entered me past my inner boundaries and posed as if they were me. I was too young to have developed what I have now, a good sense of self and the ability to discern what is my psychological stuff and what is not and what is my sexual energy and what is not. We all need our parents to teach and support us to develop this. Not the case though. This crucial developmental stage was thwarted and stunted until recently (age 36!). I think much of the work I've done is around cleaning out my own inner space of my mother's presence by defining what was hers to allow for the me to arise in safety and peace. So far so good.
Enjoy the book!!! Helium
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Post by geisha on May 1, 2006 7:48:10 GMT -8
Thanks, everybody, for your support. I will get Anne Heche's book. It is nice to know there are peope out there who understand such things. At times I feel really crazy, maybe because I hav not been able to share my sad experience with anyone. I have tried therapy, but I quit (my therapist was only focusing on my situation nowadays). All the best to you, Geisha
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Post by healium on May 4, 2006 7:25:19 GMT -8
Hang in there Geisha. Dealing with covert incest and feeling crazy is natural. Afterall, there's always two levels going on; the one on the surface where we're supposed to think everything is ok, and the one below where we can feel how not ok everything is yet we can't quite put a finger on exactly why. That's the dysfunction, and that's the crazy part, and you can turn the light on and put it all on the table to find that you're not crazy, that the dysfunction is not your doing, and can create peace within yourself.
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Post by bluelake on Mar 16, 2007 21:16:05 GMT -8
I'M 55 AND HAD exscuse me, not realized that i was caught up in covert incest with possiblky both parents. bohg have dumoed alkl thgei stuff on me my entire life. i'm finding it hard to put distance between them and i i also served in theair force and worked for 17 years at a federal psychiatric institution. most of the ppatients were explosive, verbally, emotionally, abusive and some malke staff wereas well. i had been seeing a female staff person for mental health and stopped seeing her and now she prescribes my medications. staff there talkj to each other. i never questioned people in autyhoriry a great deal. i've talked to otrher female veterans. one very bright woman told me she had to turn to a private therapist for help because she wasn't getting it at v.a.ss. i feel in the same position. i din't trust saying anything to her. i'm afraid to continue to see her for anything.
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Post by bluelake on Mar 16, 2007 21:56:11 GMT -8
pardon my word processing skills i have carpel tunnel in both hands and possibly tendonitus. i've been realizing very late in life how messed up my relationship with both parents is messed up. they don't want to lsten to me, shut me down but dump there stuff on me non stop.
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Post by bluelake on Mar 16, 2007 22:02:34 GMT -8
i've found my case manager and my present therapist supportive and do get it about my dad. what i've been going through, others, including, male bosses, parents, verbally abuse and i give strokes to their egos. i'm stuck. what some people dsay about giving to get. well it didn't wrk for me. i gave to a lot of people, who have nver even thought of me, to give back.thet just look to get more, more, more ands more.
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Post by Moriji on Mar 18, 2007 20:38:20 GMT -8
Bluelake, welcome! Don't worry about the typing; I was able to get the gist of what you were trying to say.
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Post by frankiebear on May 16, 2007 2:16:49 GMT -8
I am 39yo male and have only recently discovered what covert incest is. As I read Silently Seduced I cried. It was is if it was describing my life, every problem, every dysfunction I suffer from. Anyway, my mother and I live together in a large house,. We have no other family, my father is long dead. How do I separate from my mother without abandoning her. I don't want to punish her for what she did. I still love her, and I know she does not and probably could never come to realised that what she did was wrong.
Is it possible to separate effectively while still living together?
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Post by portlander on May 16, 2007 11:18:08 GMT -8
Hi frankiebear.
I suppose it would depend to a large extent on whether we're talking about prior stuff, or stuff that's still going on. And whether we're talking about what might be overlooked as occasional lapses, or the person's core personality.
My own opinion is that the ideal situation is to 'salvage' the relationship. And that yes it is possible, at least sometimes, to separate effectively without abandoning the other person. Of course, sometimes this is more of an ideal than a practical reality.
In my own case, I've found that just being able to identify the phenomenon goes a long ways. Used to be, whenever I'd visit my stepmom or she'd visit me, I'd be a nervous wreck for days prior to the visit and for days, sometimes weeks, afterwards. I'd be uneasy, restless, irritable, and anxious for reasons I couldn't quite put my finger on other than vaguely sensing that it had something to do with her.
Now, since I can identify what went on and what is going on, I can to a large extent just file it away in my mind like, "Oh, that's why she said or did that", and let it bounce right off me. I'm still not quite where I want to be yet, but significantly closer.
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Post by eric on Dec 24, 2008 2:01:27 GMT -8
Hi there Im Eric and new here Im 55, Im from Europe what is actually covert incest, and can one go to hypnosis and find out if I had sex with my mom I used to sleep with her a lot when I was very young and have been very emotionally attacked to her allways Eric
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Post by moldbreaker on Nov 1, 2010 15:25:59 GMT -8
Where can I find information on losing a real or a surrogate parent, with whom I connect both bad (very bad, think incest) and good memories? I am really confused after my stepdad's death last year. I have tried normal webbsites on "surviving the loss of a parent", but it is not the same. Thank you. Would this not constitute as an off topic post? Resulting in the need for it's own thread? I've read the initial thread post and it is not at all in relation to this post. I don't mean to come here and pick this board apart, but there is clearly a need for moderation and a more "professional" approach.
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