Post by jes on Oct 3, 2012 12:45:56 GMT -8
Hi folks; I am here because I am desperately trying to help a 24 year old cousin, I'll call him S., who is badly enmeshed with his Dad and after many years of this he is very depressed, addicted, and sick to the point of near death. S. is an only child and his parents divorced when he was 8. His mother just was never really in the picture much. His father became a very invasive parent after S. turned 16 and he elected to live full time with his father, who had no rules to speak of.
His dad is a compulsive gambler and an alcoholic as well. He gambled S's tuition money and money to complete an orthodontic treatment, leaving S's teeth a rotten mess when he was about 18; soon afterward S dropped out of college. His drinking, though he was not of legal age yet, became more serious and I suspect aided by Dad. He barely had any friends except his father and participated in the same activities as his dad. His jobs became menial and he has spent periods unemployed. After he received a DUI his dad began to drive him everywhere.
S has somehow managed to have a longtime girlfriend (one of his few relationships outside his father) whom the Dad blames for everything and despises with an intense irrational hatred. S's alcoholism became gradually more serious in recent years and Dad's control of him more complete. Dad reads S's email, spies on S, does S's laundry .. S has become gradually capable of less and less as he gets older. His alcohol use became so severe he developed pancreatitis and organ damage over the last 2 years.
Last year S reached out to my mom and I for help going to alcohol treatment. We were happy to help. We had to do a lot of the legwork behind Dad's back, with Dad seemingly frightened at the prospect of him not coming back. On his discharge the treatment folks recommended S not move back in with Dad but a halfway house. This was not heeded by either S or Dad. Six months later Dad buys S a dog, seemingly another move to keep him anchored at home. S is sick again (clearly has relapsed) and being hospitalized regularly.
Dad has not helped S apply for medicaid though the kid is eligible and in need of very serious medical help. We are trying to get the two of them to at least get documents in order. It is very hard to help S right now because he is so passive. It's like the life force is gone from him. For years the kid has had such a love-hate relationship with his father, yet is constantly with his father. I know he can't get better unless he can separate from his dad and that the best bet under the circumstances is probably another stint of rehab followed by residential sober living.
Much of my family has written this kid off as an addict, self-destructive loser, etc. As frustrating as it is to deal with him I feel so bad for him. Reading about covert incest I realize even more how little control he ever really had all along. Years and years of abuse have left him so feeble.
His health state is such that he really could die within a matter of months. I actually feel my uncle would rather have his kid dead, still under his control, than alive and well away from him. And this looks as though it could happen. I wonder how to help at this point. Our family has ignored this forever. Should we confront the father? Are there any resources for this kind of thing?
His dad is a compulsive gambler and an alcoholic as well. He gambled S's tuition money and money to complete an orthodontic treatment, leaving S's teeth a rotten mess when he was about 18; soon afterward S dropped out of college. His drinking, though he was not of legal age yet, became more serious and I suspect aided by Dad. He barely had any friends except his father and participated in the same activities as his dad. His jobs became menial and he has spent periods unemployed. After he received a DUI his dad began to drive him everywhere.
S has somehow managed to have a longtime girlfriend (one of his few relationships outside his father) whom the Dad blames for everything and despises with an intense irrational hatred. S's alcoholism became gradually more serious in recent years and Dad's control of him more complete. Dad reads S's email, spies on S, does S's laundry .. S has become gradually capable of less and less as he gets older. His alcohol use became so severe he developed pancreatitis and organ damage over the last 2 years.
Last year S reached out to my mom and I for help going to alcohol treatment. We were happy to help. We had to do a lot of the legwork behind Dad's back, with Dad seemingly frightened at the prospect of him not coming back. On his discharge the treatment folks recommended S not move back in with Dad but a halfway house. This was not heeded by either S or Dad. Six months later Dad buys S a dog, seemingly another move to keep him anchored at home. S is sick again (clearly has relapsed) and being hospitalized regularly.
Dad has not helped S apply for medicaid though the kid is eligible and in need of very serious medical help. We are trying to get the two of them to at least get documents in order. It is very hard to help S right now because he is so passive. It's like the life force is gone from him. For years the kid has had such a love-hate relationship with his father, yet is constantly with his father. I know he can't get better unless he can separate from his dad and that the best bet under the circumstances is probably another stint of rehab followed by residential sober living.
Much of my family has written this kid off as an addict, self-destructive loser, etc. As frustrating as it is to deal with him I feel so bad for him. Reading about covert incest I realize even more how little control he ever really had all along. Years and years of abuse have left him so feeble.
His health state is such that he really could die within a matter of months. I actually feel my uncle would rather have his kid dead, still under his control, than alive and well away from him. And this looks as though it could happen. I wonder how to help at this point. Our family has ignored this forever. Should we confront the father? Are there any resources for this kind of thing?
