Is this covert incest and if so what do I do

[c1258]

I am a 50 year old man married to a 51 year old woman with a history of alcohol abuse. We have been married for 25 years and have 1 daughter 20 years old and 2 sons 15 and 9 years old. My wife and I have a history of marital problems dating back at least 7 years and have lived in separate rooms for about 6 years. I have stayed in this marriage for the sake of the children, trying to maintain a happy home despite the situation. I was in marriage therapy for 2 and a half years with my wife going on and off sporadically during the first year, and tapering down to almost nothing after that. I believe that my wife is a borderline manic depressive who spends wildly when manic and locks herself in her bedroom at night and drinks when she is depressed. She refuses all suggestions and pleas for therapy and/or help.
There has always been a problem with my wife having my sons sleep in her bed at night. I work 3 or 4 12 hour nights a week and she always had the now 15 year old in her bed and often the 9 year old as well over the past 6 years. Sometimes sleeping with them together, often sleeping with one or the other alone. The 15 year old was sleeping with her as late as August 08, until I put up such a continual fuss, he returned to his own room (BOTH boys have rooms of their own). I have often felt that my wife considered the 15 year old her surrogate husband, asking his opinion on household matters, always asking him what to make for dinner, and overall doting over him in a suffocating way. I am now noticing the same behavior with the 9 year old as he continues to sleep in her bed overnight.
Three months ago my wife came to me and insisted she wanted a divorce (the third time in 7 years). At this time I am in agreement, tired of living in a loveless marriage and feeling that the boys are now old enough I may be able to step away and move on. We agreed to mediate the divorce, but while I was in the process of lining things up I started to get reports of my wife again drinking behind a locked door with the 9 year old and him continuously sleeping in her bed while I was at work from the 15 year old boy and the 20 year old girl. I threatened my wife with a CPS investigation if she would not stop this behavior and get alcohol treatment before we finalized our divorce, because I would not leave the house with a drunk in charge. She responded by filing for divorce and trying to have me removed from the home (she was unsuccessful). I responded with a CPS complaint about her drinking at night with the 9 year old locked behind her door and sleeping in her bed.
The CPS investigation is in its initial stages, but the first look from the investigator is that while the children confirm that she has them in her bed behind a locked door (especially the 9 year old), there is no criminality here. My boys are reluctant to mention my wifes drinking out of a protective behavior for their mother, and my 20 year old is not being questioned. She will confirm the real behavior seen, but CPS says she is not a minor and do not want to speak to her. My wife is continuing to sleep with the 9 year old behind a locked door, laughing at me, saying that there is no criminality here so tough luck on me. I have since read a copy of Ken Adams book Silently Seduced in which he cites many of my issues here as covert abuse, but the CPS investigators seem ignorant of this term.
My questions are this:
Does anyone else here think this is a covert abuse pattern?
If so, how do I prove this is a problem?
I live in a NY City suburb. How do I find a covert abuse expert able to help me with this issue?
Can anyone suggest anything else I should be doing?

[portlander]

Well, it's a tough situation and although it appears you've done everything right I see two major hurdles.

FIRST, unfortunately, because the 'D' word was mentioned, I suspect that CPS isn't going to take it as seriously as they otherwise might. Problem is, filing abuse complaints has just become too much of a standard tactic in Divorce proceedings.

SECOND, but perhaps more importantly, realize that although more and more psychological professionals are taking it seriously, Covert Incest isn't (yet) recognized by the legal community. That is, after all, part of the reason why it's called "covert" - the things that happen generally occur just below the threshold of what's legally actionable.

Even the alcohol abuse, even if admitted, probably doesn't even cross the threshold by itself. It's not a crime to drink in front of a child. It's not even a crime to be drunk in front of a child, UNLESS it rises to the level of endangerment, and "endangerment" is typically very difficult to prove except in retrospect after (unfortunately) an incident.

With all that said, though, I understand your kids' position and sympathize deeply. I was 15 myself when the state did an investigation of my stepmom and pulled me out of a situation that had been going on since I was 8, - she finally did something that "crossed the line".

That's the problem with "covert" abuse - it adds up to an damaging environment when viewed in totality, but any single incident is, if taken by itself, usually not actionable.

[seayshore]

Hi c1258, another book suggestion is "The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life" by Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson . Please read this one, it is an important book. It explains all the family members in a situation similar to yours but is geared to the children. You might find some answsers that you hadn't thought of before. I'm sorry for your situation, it must be very stressful.

[c1258]

Thank you for the suggestions. I am reading as much as I can and am surprised at the depth of the problem. Any other advice on how to proceed will be appreciated.