new here, not certaiun if we belong here

[gaby12]

I am dating a man I believe is a victim of covert incest.

He is in his mid 40"s, and from what i hear from the "friendship circle" mother been a major thorn in the side of all previous relationships.

He completely dotes on me for a period of time each week, but then there is a gap which i believe he has been summoned to care for mother.

He has left this "void" from time to time describing that she has had a list of " honey does for him to complete.

From my point of view, she regards him as a surrogate husband, and has for many years.

I recently learned she was responsible for setting up his first sexualt encounter, since he was not dating at the time,,,. He was 18 and she had a 30 year old come in and have sex with him.

I find this gross.

[portlander]

It's difficult to say, without hearing from him what his mother has done that is "out of bounds".

It could be CI... or it could be just a guy who likes doing favors for his mother who for one reason or another might not have anyone else.

Some things I would want to consider:

- Where's the father ? Is the mother giving attention to the son while at the same time ignoring the father, or having the son do things that the father should be doing? That would be one big red flag. Or is he just helping out with things that the father legitimately can't do ?

- If the father is out of the picture from divorce, death, whatever, is the mother even TRYING to find a new mate or is the mother just putting everything onto the son with an expectation of permanency? It makes a difference whether he's just trying to help her through a bad stretch or whether it's assumed to be a permanent thing.

- The story of his first sexual encounter being "set up" by his mom - do you know that to be a fact or is that just a rumour circulated by his friends? Sometimes guys say stupid things to their circle of friends, particularly about sexual things, and sometimes these stories take on a life of their own.

- How does HE feel about it ? Does he complain of being overly burdened by it all or is he taking in in stride ? Does he WANT to change the status quo? I guess this would be my primary question.

I don't want to sound overly harsh or overly skeptical, It's just really really difficult to offer an opinion without hearing it firsthand from the victim.