My partner

[kiwi]

I believe my partner of 4 years to be a victim of convert incest.

His mother brought up 5 children on her own, John, my partner being the youngest. His father was physically abusive to Johns Mother and left when John was a small child so he has never met him.

Johns Mother and John have a very close relationship. His mother suffers from depression and expects a lot from John. Past relationships have not worked for John due to the jealousy his mother has expressed.

I have been through hell and back with her trying to win her over but have never quite got there. We moved from NZ to Australia to try to make a better life for ourselves. I thought things would be better for John to be away from the stress of his mothers depression/loneliness problems but in a way it seems worse here.

He has turned it into guilt, she rarely calls or writes to us but if she does it will be to moan about how depressed / lonely / short of money she is, this in turn sinks John into further depression and guilt.

The very first time we decided to make the big move and live together she suddenly decided to declare herself homeless and nowhere to go so of course John could not leave her like that and insisted she moved in with us. It was hell and needless to say turned into a disaster will all three of us having a big fight and her taking off.

When she eventually came back I was the one that had to move out to make it work. Afterall he couldnt abandon his mother?

I have always known there is a problem there but upon investigating on the net was so interested to read about emotional and convert incest as I believe this is exactly John.

John has a very very low sex drive and we rarely have sex. This used to make me feel ugly/not wanted but now I am beginning to understand how deep it goes.

Is there any advice anyone can offer on how I handle this. I love john dearly, when i have given him information to read on convert incest he just gets more upset that I am trying to blame everything on his mother. He is deeply depressed, builds it up and then will have a binge drinking night and bring it all out on me. this doesnt happen often but when it does its a nightmare for me. i love him enough to see past all of this though.

[healium]

Hi Kiwi,

Sometimes people post their experiences here and want to know if what they are dealing with is covert incest. At times it is hard to say. In your case it is not hard to say at all.

I'm so glad you followed your nose and found out about emotional and sexual covert incest. That's half the climb toward healing. Naturally you assume I mean John's healing, however, I mean your healing from being in a love partnership with this issue in its core without knowing what you were dealing with.

I feel compassion for you in hearing that in the past you moved out rather than his mother. I also feel it for many of your needs not being met...emotionally, sexually, and for the pain you must feel when you think of how much you've sacrificed in the attempt to deal with the intrusion and pervasiveness of John's mother in your life.

Now you see clearly and will likely see its thread running through your marriage even more. And even if/when John becomes open to looking at this issue for himself, your understanding will provide you and your relationship the only aspect toward healing that you can control. Take care of yourself and this will offer John the invitation to shift. There will be moments when you know his defensiveness has softened.

John's mother is not to blame...but she is responsible for cultivating a very inappropriate and damaging relationship with her son for her own unmet needs. There is usually nothing diabolical about the parent's intentions. Nonetheless, despite your authentic love for John, you experience an enormous obstacle to inimacy with him directly due to their relationship. That is painful!

If you were to go to a therapist familiar with this issue they would say to you the first thing is to establish boundaries for yourself btw yourself and John's mother. I don't know the particulars of her involvement with your life, but putting yourself in positions to feel unaccepted, unappreciated and seen as a competitor by his mother and you the bad guy by John needs to stop.

You've taken enough Kiwi. Time to start healing.

You are always free to be a part of this community, however, there is a partner site as well...

covertincest2.proboards29.com/

I hope you write back here. You are welcome.

Healium