Tough Question to Ask

[nikki2]

I know that this section is for the victim of CI (I am a partner to one), but I have a question that I'd like to ask some of the victims. After doing more research to figure out what was wrong w/my H, I finally found Love's CI book. I had been looking for the answer for about 17 years. It was such a relief to finally have some answers!

Anyway, after a few weeks I realized that I had half of the answers I was looking for. Thereafter, I realized that his MIL was a narcissist and sadly, after doing my research, definitely concluded that my H is also a classic narcissist. As such, married life has been pretty much the pits.

My question is this...and I know this is a tough one to ask those of you who have gone through so much already...so up front I apologize for even asking, but I would really like to know if this affects a lot others who are victims of CI.

If you have taken a good look at what a Narcissist is, would you, being as honest as you can, believe that because of the parenting you rec'd that you have become a classic narcissist?

I confronted my H about this, and he does see clearly now the EI from his mom, and does see N traits in himself...not sure how much he sees, as I know it is painful to see oneself in such a light, but he does see parts of it.

Anyway, I am asking for my own curiosity's sake I guess.

Thanks to anyone brave enough to answer...and even thanks to those who would like to but won't ;-)

Nikki2

[healium]

Hi Nikki,

I sympathize with how deeply frustrating and confusing it's been trying to understand just what the issues are. It's like a mystery that hopefully ends when we can name it. I appreciate the opportunity to reflect upon this.

I have not been labeled a narcissist nor have I experienced that the majority of CI survivors are such. BUT, I do think that in certain relationships I have been. Particularly when, without awareness of my issues, I have set up a dynamic with a partner where my needs take priority. I realized at some point that I was trying to turn my girlfriends into the mother I didn't have. It was me setting up the dynamic with her as the parent committed to my needs wanting to experience development I didn't get as a child. With many of us CI's, our childhood dynamic was the opposite. We didn't get to feel safe inside our bodies as children and supported to grow into an autonomous adult.

Outside of this one relationship, I was much more inclined to have other people's needs a priority, like my childhood. That was my known way of being to survive. I think seeing the narcissism as a developmental issue would be very helpful for you. Consider reading Judith Viorst's "Necessary Loses". It has been immeasurably helpful for me beyond the recognition that I suffered abuse and how. It speaks of just what was lost and thus what we can now gain for ourselves as adults.

Peace,

[nikki2]

Thank you Healium for your response. You are so correct, it has been such a monumental task to figure this out. We went to 4 counselors and got nada. I kept on searching. I knew the mom thing was an issue, but all was so covert that it missed all the counselors' screenings....sigh, what a waste of time and money.

Interesting about your wanting a mother and not a partner. Thank you for being honest about that...takes courage. It appears that the relationship you had w/her is now over? Who ended it? Do you regret what happened?

That's what my H did as well. I grew so weary of being a mom and a therapist. ...I wanted a partner...not someone to raise. Also due to whatever mom did to his head caused us to basically have a non sexual relationship....not what I got married for.

You know I would think that there would be more survivors who would be N's who experienced CI. I guess my thought is many of these parents seem to be N's (in that the children are extensions of themselves), that the messed up development would cause the N thing to be perpetuated. Course I am but a layman....

Sounds like you became a people pleaser then? Again, not able to be yourself...not fun.

I have read several books..think there's about 10 of them stacked up in my room since October, but I welcome your suggestion to look at the one you mentioned. I am so glad that this book has helped you.

Thanks for being willing to respond. I am sorry for what you have endured and what it has done to your adult life. I get soooo mad at what these parents have done to their kids....unless they get a clue, their adult lives are so messed up, and so many wasted years.

H's mom died 2 years ago...actually wish I could have said something, but I still didn't know what it was..it all looked "so nice" to the outsider. She wouldn't have listened anyway...but I would have gotten it off my chest. Course she managed to control from the grave...my hubby wouldn't even move her shoes to a different location in her house for at least a year...she told him to keep the house at least for a year as a memorial to her...groan.

I loved my H w/all my heart, but he is so emotionally under developed that I had to separate...nothing is legally done yet...but I couldn't take living w/him anymore, the cost became more than I could pay. We have a special needs child that requires all my time, and having to heal my H as well made for an overwhelming plate. I told him I couldn't live w/his mother (his mom came through his personality).

Anyway, thanks for sharing and I wish you many happy and fulfilling years in the future.

Nikki2

[healium]

Oh my! Nikki,

What a mountaneous effort you've put into this. I take back my book suggestion. You've done enough work for your H already. Yes, Time to live your life and to put your energies fully into your other child. Your husband has the tools and the knowledge to heal himself. Ironically, he may actually be freed up to do this if your not pulling the wagon. I don't criticize your effort and please don't feel a failure. You can't save someone from this. They have to plunge the depths themselves.

Yes, my mother is a narcissist. Me? A recovering people pleaser. Like Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin. Right on. As of my process, when I finally detected that my issues were around my mother and could name it as CI, I only sought a therapist who was experienced in this area. Otherwise, yes, it was a waste of much time and money.

I'm not in that relationship I mentioned as of 7 years ago. I actually went so far as to help her get established in the life she wanted on the west coast, found her the profession and job that she still thrives in today, and even found her her husband (we didn't call it that to her but I knew it when I introduced them). I then moved back home to do my inner work. Believe it or not. I knew I was stealing her precious time with my issues.

Best and deepest wishes for you in this next phase of your life.

Healium

[nikki2]

>Your husband has the tools and the knowledge to heal himself.

True.

>Ironically, he may actually be freed up to do this if your not pulling the wagon.

I agree.

>I don't criticize your effort and please don't feel a failure. You can't save someone from this. They have to plunge the depths themselves.

Definitely agree. And I know you aren't criticizing. Each person is responsible and accountable for their own life.


>Yes, my mother is a narcissist.

I'm sorry, that stinks.

> Me? A recovering people pleaser. Like Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin. Right on.

I hear you.

>As of my process, when I finally detected that my issues were around my mother and could name it as CI, I only sought a therapist who was experienced in this area. Otherwise, yes, it was a waste of much time and money.

Wow, I am impressed that you knew to, and did, find someone qualified in this area.

>I'm not in that relationship I mentioned as of 7 years ago. I actually went so far as to help her get established in the life she wanted on the west coast, found her the profession and job that she still thrives in today, and even found her her husband (we didn't call it that to her but I knew it when I introduced them). I then moved back home to do my inner work. Believe it or not. I knew I was stealing her precious time with my issues.

Goodness, you sound so much like my H. It is encouraging to hear that you took the time to work on yourself, and chose not to stay where you were at. I hope that the process is getting a bit easier for you and that more clarity and peace of mind has been the result.

>Best and deepest wishes for you in this next phase of your life.

Thank you Healium for your kind thoughts, you have made my heart warm.

Nikki2