|
Post by scaredasheck on Feb 10, 2004 14:03:22 GMT -8
Hello everyone:
I am new here and need some help. I have been dating an only child (a son) of a single mother for several months. I love him dearly but only recently labelled the unhealthly nature of their relationship. I always thought they were "just close". Since the new year, things have come to a head. BF does not see how toxic their relationship is, he admits it is a "bit unhealthy" but sees her as the only person in the world that he has. He has said to me in anger that they will not change, that he will "never leave her". It is as though it is he and she against the world. I have asked him several times if there is room for me etc and he always says that there is. I doubt this. MIL treats my honey as her husband and the way she feels about my invasion on "their" world is obvious. BF has serious trust issues, he is obsessed with my past. However, an interesting note is that several of his past relationships have ended because of the MIL. Our relationship is rocky at this point because of all this. BF turns the blame to me saying I cannot accept how close he and his mother are. I have felt that I am the one to blame. I am scared we will end completely. I love him so dearly and am so terrified. I plan to ask him to attend counselling with me but do not know how to address the topic
|
|
|
Post by wifetobe on Feb 11, 2004 14:22:52 GMT -8
Hi!!! I can understand, completely. I don't know if you have read any of my posts, but you are me a few months ago. My DH was OBSESSED with my past, too. He had no trust for anyone. I heard "she is my mother, and I will never leave her or not see her" so many times. I recommend reading the Ken Adams book. That iswhat I did, and gave it to my husband (then fiance). I was really scared to give it to him, because 98% of the time when I would bring up his mother, we would get into a HUGE fight. "She was the only one there for him", "she was the only person he coiuld trust", "nobody would ever understand how close they are", and on and on. She would tell him I was jealous and felt threatened of her, or I was going to marry him and make him leave her. Which in turn would make him promise he would never leave. Two times, he confronted her about stuff, then she would apologize and they would be buddies again. He would always say his mom was his best friend. He used to think she was the smartest person in the world and a saint. They would have their alone time, which w9ould make me sick. He never would tell me what they talked about, because it was none of my business, or he would think I was feeling threatened and jealous. He would always ask me why I wanted to know. Well, later I found out she used that time to bad mouth me and my family. Every time they had their visits, we would fight for some reason that night. He would pick a fight with me, it seemed. We always has to go to their house, every weekend. He did not tell his parents we were together, for a long time. He just said we were friends. He was afraid of what she would say. He had his dad tell her we were engaged. I could go on and on. However, he read the Ken Adams book, and it helped. He found himself in the first 3 pages. First, he laughed at me when I gave it to him. He thought it was cute and funny that I was threatened by his mom, and he was in total denial there was anything wrong. But, that book hit him like a ton of bricks, and he told me everything that went on with them. I am jumping all over the place, but I can relate to you so much. I used to let them have time alone, but it would infuriate me. I felt she was the other woman, and was trying to be his boyfriend or something. I still get knots in my stomach and my heart races when he talks to her on the phone. If you really love him and want to be with him, get the book. It is a really easy, quick read. I read it in two hours and highlighted anything I felt important or that dealt with us, him or his mom. If he is not willing to admit it and fix it, it will never work. That sounds harsh, but it is true. It is not fair to you to be in that situation. I used to feel crazy or like I was overreacting to things. I felt powerless, and like he sided with his mom and put her first. You can not change him, but you can help him to see what is going on, if he oes he have anger problems, and he can't figure out why he is so angry all the time? Or not trust people? Have conspiracy theories? Road rage? Sexual addictions (porn, masterbating, affairs in the past, lots of past partners)? Does he act like his exes all had some sort of big problem? Drink alot? Have anxiety attacks or panic attacks? Get mad at you, if you are not perfect? If so, pick one of those topics to bring in the book. My husband literally laughed at the title of the book, but I told him it may help with his anger. He has horrible anger management, and he always said he wanted to figure out why he was so mad. I could always see the mom thing, because I was on the outside. Things are so much better now. We talk things out, instead of fighting. He has told his mom to butt out. He does not go out there very often, anymore. I will stop rambling for now. I am here for you if you need help or someone to talk to. I know it is frustrating, consuming, irritating, nausiating, and makes you feel nuts sometimes. I was consumed with my MIL, b/c everyday something would happen. You may want to read some of my posts, because you may see some of my previous frustrations in there. This is a hard and scary thing to approach, but we are here for you. WTB I came back to edit. The fact he sees it as a bit unhealthy or they are too close is a good thing. Mine did too, and that helped us approach the subject.
|
|
|
Post by victimswife7 on Feb 14, 2004 8:02:44 GMT -8
Well, I could have written that one word for word. Read some of my posts, RUN. RUN as fast as you can and don't look back. If I had it to do over I would run. This is not worth it. He has made his decision on who is the most important person in his life allready. You cannot help him.
If you have children, your MIL will play like she is mommy and she and dh will act like a bunch of love sick fools doting over their baby. SICK SICK SICK. RUNNN You are no more than a big walking uterus.
Did I mention you better RUN.
|
|
|
Post by wifetobe on Feb 14, 2004 10:02:22 GMT -8
Scaredasheck: I hope you have not left us. Don't get scared off by some of the things we say. Nobody is meaning it as harsh to you, or anything. Everyone here has different degrees of success in their situations. That is why we are here for each other. Some spouses arein total denial. Others accept it, have gone to therapy and are cured, Others are in the middle of the process. We are here, and it is confidential, so don't worry about betraying your boyfriend, b/c none of us know who you are. You know your boyfriend, and you should be able to clear and level-headedly decide whether he will accept this problem or not. Some people told me to leave my husband, but I do love my husband. If he refuses to accept that there is a problem, then yes, I would also recommend leaving. If he sees there is a problem of some kind, to some degree, then there is hope. He won't be willing to run into therapy immediately, but he will sooner or later. He will have to read a little on his own, and he will have to try and digest all this info. It is hard to crush the image of your parent. However, again, if he won't recognize there is a problem, LEAVE!!! It is not worth the emotional pain, if he is never going to get better. I agree to run, if there is no hope, just to protect yourself. However, you need to honestly feel the situation out, and make sure you are not fantazing about a future that is not real. BTW, I watched Hush last night with hubby, and it made him furious. He was yelling at the husband and mom. A few months ago, he would not have seen anything wrong. I am glad he can see the problem now. It is little things like this that make me see the progress we are having. Plus, last week's Dr. Phil pissed him off. He was furious at the son/husband. You can look at the discussion board there, if you did not see it. I think it is www.drphil.com. Anyway, Hush is a good movie, but it is scary to see how nuts these MILs can go. I have seen this movie many times, but I never watched it with dh, until last night. It has a whole new meaning, now. Have a great day and weekend!! WTB
|
|
|
Post by victimswife7 on Feb 15, 2004 6:47:45 GMT -8
There is a link on momma's boys your bf should read although I don't think he will. www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_100/109_dating_girl.htmlMaybe Wifetobe is right. I am speaking by experience though because my DH is the same way. MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY. Mommy has to go with us every were we go. When I was PG my dh brought his dam mommy to every single one of my OB appointments and when the doc did a procedure instead of being with me he and his maaammy hid behind a curtain. Being this was my first time having a baby and even my first time with an OB examination i have to say I was a bit scared and wished I had my dh there for support but he wasn't. HIs mommy was even in the delivery room and his maammmy calls my daughter "her baby" and takes over dd as if dd was her baby. When I go to my parents, she goes with me and hords dd. I do think dh is trying to do better because I threatened to leave. I was calling lawyers and looking up divorce and custody on the internet. That put a scare in him I think. He is trying to do better at putting me first but still manages to throw in a guilt trip about "how his mommy would love to see DD more and such. " His dam mother has called crying and using emotional black male "you just don't care anymore." I asked dh which one of use keeps us warm at night. Dh mentioned wanting more children too. Try getting that from maammy. (GAG). His maaamy has mentioned the last few times I talked to her that "she wants another baby." Could be why she has stayed away so as her son can stud himself out. I have been popping the BC religiously though. You know, i can almost feel for the woman. I do want dd and I to have a close relationship even when she grows up but I know first hand that we mothers can go overboard and make monsters out of our kids and make it difficult for others to love. I know my child needs more than just me to be happy. In turn, I need more than just my child. I wonder what these apron string children do if anything would happen to maaamy. Or turn around, if something happened to their apron string children, what the maammy going to do.
|
|