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Post by Moriji on Jan 8, 2004 23:52:36 GMT -8
Hey, I have a question for partners of covert incest survivors. Do any of you have a history of winding up with partners who are too close to a parent, or was it just this one time?
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Post by wifetobe on Jan 14, 2004 9:02:06 GMT -8
I will try to help with this. I was married when I was 19. My ex was 23. At first I thought he was a "mamma's boy", but he probably was not an extreme case. Actually, his mom just took care of him too long. He does not have too many traits that are in any of the literature I am reading. When we got together, he was 21 and lived at home, still. I thought that was a little odd, because I had been away from home already at 17. I went to boarding school and graduated early to start college. He stayed at home until we got married. During our first year together, he told me he would not move to where I was going to college, because he did not want to move that far away from his mom. So, I ended up moving to where he was to go to school. We got engaged one year into our relationship. At that point, we decided he should stay at his parents to save money. She cleaned his room, did his laundry and paid his bills. Wemoved 2 hours away when we got married, due to my parents influence. My dad would not pay for my school, if we stayed where we were. He never really argued with me. We never fought. We became like roommates, almost. Wow, writing this is making me see some stuff. Damn, this is freaky. I read the book by Patricia Love yesterday, and some stuff is triggering me. Anyway, we were married 6 years, and I filed for divorce. We still speak to each other every week or so. I have known him since I was ten. Damn, this is weird. I always felt like I was his mom. He is a wonderful man, though. His mom died in the middle of our divorce. She was controlling, until we got married. Then, that day, it stopped. We had a wonderful relationship with his parents, sfter the wedding. My ex never stood up for himself with me, though. That was rough, for me. I felt emotionally alone, with him.
Okay, this is dragging up a lot of stuff, so I will stop this entry for now.
Much love, WTB
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Post by Moriji on Jan 14, 2004 23:06:56 GMT -8
This is interesting. I'm going to highlight some of the things you said because I think they deserve to be looked at more closely. During our first year together, he told me he would not move to where I was going to college, because he did not want to move that far away from his mom. Not a good sign. This indicates that his relationship with his mother was more important to him than your marriage. She cleaned his room, did his laundry and paid his bills. Again, not a good sign. We still speak to each other every week or so. I have known him since I was ten. d**n, this is weird. I always felt like I was his mom. Talking to your ex-husband every week is a lot. It sounds like you are still 'close' to him many ways. And you say you felt more like his caretaker than his partner. Is this still true today? And what does your fiancee think about this relationship? What is your ex-husband up to these days anyway? Did he move back home? Is he currently seeing someone? If this is getting too personal, you don't have to answer.
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Post by wifetobe on Jan 15, 2004 8:50:52 GMT -8
The not move away part was the first year we were dating, not married.
No, I am not a caretaker anymore for him. My fiance really likes him, and does not mind him calling every once in a while. We don't live in the same city. Our calls are really short. Now, it is more like every two or three weeks. It is just a "hi, how are you conversation". They were more during the holidays and on my birthday. It is strange. I told my fiance that I have days and days that go by, where my ex does not even pop into my head. This is good. Most people think that sounds weird, I am sure. But, I live in the same house that we did, same furniture, same dog, etc. His mail still pops up here, occasionally. You know, junk mail not real mail.
His job transfered him to Dallas, which is where his is originally from. His dad has remarried and moved. His dad gave him their old house to live in, since he moved back up there. He is totally independent, now. He is dating people, but no one specific, anymore. He had been dating one girl exclusively, but she was clingy and demanding, so he left her alone.
Actually, I am quite impressed with how mature and responsible he is now. It is quite a change. He has always been responsible with jobs, but being an adult at home was an issue.
Hope this helps give you some insight. What are you looking into? If it is something specific, you can ask me directly or bluntly, and I might be more informative.
WTB
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Post by Moriji on Jan 15, 2004 9:29:08 GMT -8
The reason I asked was because I always suspected that spouses of covert incest survivors had a pattern of being attracted to partners who were dependent on a parent. I also suspected that they might even be a survivor of some kind of abuse themselves. So far, we've had two spouses come on here who have had similar experiences with covert incest survivors.
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Post by victimswife7 on Feb 14, 2004 7:42:40 GMT -8
Two anwer the question about past parners being like my dh is with his mother, no. Then again, I never dated much. The few I did it seemed like their mothers were the last thing on their mind and acted like they were embarrassed to admit they had a mother. The problem is that I never looked in the right places, usually bars then got tired of drunks so I just quit looking all together. Then I found dh. He was my neighbor. He was good looking, made a good income, nice manners and was single, it seemed no attachments whatsoever. A few friends said they thought it a bit that A guy like that would be single or never be involved with anyone and I never found out he had ever been involved with anyone until I had been dating him a year. He never talked about it. He always talked about how close he and his dear ma was. I had accidentally found out through one of his friends that he had been married before. From what I gathered his ex-wife was a lot like he was, immature, relied on mama and dada way too much to be in an adult married, with dh being the same way it goes to show why it did not work out.
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Post by Moriji on Feb 15, 2004 13:52:08 GMT -8
The few I did it seemed like their mothers were the last thing on their mind and acted like they were embarrassed to admit they had a mother. That's interesting because that sounds like me. I never talk about my mother and avoid talking about her whenever people ask. As you can imagine, it puts me in a very difficult situation at work.
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