New - Introduction (input greatly appreciated)

[howejust]

Hello, 

My name is Justin. I recently read Silently Seduced and When He's Married to Mom by Dr. Ken Adams, and it struck me how my symptoms I've experienced as an adult that clicked for me. I've been in therapy for about 15 years, and i'm actually starting therapy at Dr. Adams' office with one of the staff therapists. I have a lot of hope that will help as i'm so sick of therapy and peeling back layers of the onion. 

My experience is a little different as it has a trans-generational variable. My grandfather. He had my mom at 20 and my parents had me at 20 (only child). I grew up across the street from my grandparents and my gpa and gma had a really bad relationship. My mom was the oldest and I remember them both going to her for support and complaining about the other one constantly to my mom, and me. Long story short, my mom was definitely a victim of enmeshment and likely Covert incest as well. My grandfather was retired and came over all the time and it was almost like he was a 2nd father to me. My parents flipped houses on top of working full time and my dad worked afternoons (my mom quit work when I was born). I remember my dad leaving for work as I got off the bus from school my entire childhood - it was literally just my mom and me. My gpa would come over and now I see there was enmeshment and covert incestual energy my entire adolescence. 

A couple years ago I went to PTSD therapy after my gpa passed away because I remembered he inappropriately touched me from probably 5-11 or 12 as a "game" and on top of my pants (similar to the "Quarter behind an ear game that ppl do with kids" but kind of like "I got your penis" ... When I pointed this out to my family, they all remembered it. I now realize that was a by product of a larger phenomenon at play which was the enmeshment and Covert incest. My new therapist wondered if me being born was a "threat" to my mother and his closeness and he symbolically castrated me by "taking my penis" ... I can't express how sad this makes me as my gpa and me were extremely close. 

My major symptoms as an adult are sexual dysfunction .. I am basically sex addict when i'm single, but when in a relationship I refrain and almost "can't have sex" .. It has happened with every girlfriend since I was 18 (i'm 34 now). I also am wondering if my current relationship is healthy or not because we met 2.5 years ago before I worked on any of this. I am struggling mightily with trying to figure out if we are right for each other and my enmeshment issues are the primary source of our issues or if we're just not right for each other. Its a crappy mind f**k of a spot to be in 

I am wondering if anybody has any similar experiences with sex and relationships? 
Also, wondering if anybody has went through therapy and found change?

I'm starting to think i'm always going to be this way and beginning to feel hopeless. 

Thanks so much for reading this

[th3oth3rsho3]

Hey poster. Thanks for being brave and sharing your experience. It’s my first night on the forum and I hope a first step in the right direction to understanding how my presenting symptoms might be rooted in covert incest. I can’t speak to having a similar experience, but I will say that I’m sorry for what you survived and I can only imagine how difficult it is to reconcile your feelings about your grandfather. What spoke to me from your post is the intimacy issues. I’m 35, female, and have no issues with physical intimacy when I’m single, but I feel like I have to play a role when it comes to sex in a relationship. My father (whom I love, pity, blame, and resent) parentified me from a young age when he couldn’t have his emotional needs met by my mother. It’s been a lifetime of enmeshment, various diagnosis and medications, failed relationships, trust issues, lack of ability to establish boundaries in both personal and professional relationships. It’s only recently that I’m viewing my experiences through the lens of covert incest and complex PTSD (rather than Bipolar Disorder or BPD). I hope that recovery and relief will be possible if I’m treated with my childhood trauma as the possible root. I’m starting with a “village” soon that focuses on DBT and trauma treatment and I want more than anything to believe THIS could be what “fixes” me. I know I’m not a bad person and I hate hurting others. I know I’ve exhausted any resources I have within myself to take care of my issues. I know I can’t live like this forever. So, just know you’re not alone. I’m sorry I don’t have the experience yet to tell you what was helpful or successful in treatment. I’ll follow up once I get started and hope you’ve found peace with your new program. Thank you again for sharing and kudos for taking a step toward getting off the rollercoaster.