28, female, so angry and sad at Mother - struggling

[nightcitysong]

Hi all,

I'm really glad I found this place. A little about me. I'm Irish, 28 and have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have been in therapy for 5 years. I started because I was being controlled by anger, fear and anxiety. Before seeing my therapist I had an episode where I was suicidal and hallucinating. I wanted to harm myself and was pulling my hair out. My main reason for seeking help was that I couldn't stand any intimacy. Being in a relationship made (and still does) me turn insane. I would feel either completely smothered, disgusted by the persons' needs and touch and really angry at them. Alternatively I would feel like I was invisible to them and try be exactly who they wanted for their affection, never getting it right and ending up always feeling abandoned. 

I've done a lot of soul searching and work and realised I am a victim of covert incest from both my parents, but largely my mother. As the youngest and only girl my mother relied on me as her special confidant, telling me her innermost fears and demons, how sexually unsatisfied she was with my father, stories of her own childhood abuse, her own sexual fantasies including fantasies of killing my Dad with a shotgun. She was always utterly smothering physically, holding my hand, stroking my hair, legs, back and head when she felt in anyway anxious. Always wanting to kiss me on the mouth. The affection was never a kind display towards me, it felt like her sucking my soul out.

When I became a teenager I began violently rejecting her, turning my head away, saying "no!" if she tried to kiss me. She would look really hurt and say "you're so cruel to me, why don't you love me" and make me feel like a monster. I thought there is obviously something wrong with me and began to hate myself and cut myself. I went on holidays with her for years and acted as her surrogate husband when my dad left. 

I have never confronted her about this because I fear she would have a complete nervous breakdown and kill herself. She's a very fragile person and thinks she was the best mother in the world. I have put up huge boundaries with her but find myself struggling to cope with the huge anger I have towards her. Whilst I love her and want her in my life, I hate her, she makes my skin crawl and when I see her I want to scream at her. When I see her pet and hug my nephews I want to scream "get away from them!" she kisses them on the mouth all the time, they are 6 and 8 and I always say I think that is inappropriate for children and everyone (their father, my brother) tells me to stop being so dramatic. I am so worried about them being damaged by her the way I was. She doesn't have any boundaries or respect for bodies.

I am seeing a therapist an try my best to cope but I feel so isolated. My family are blind to this and all I know how to do is get as far away from them as possible. I would love to know if anyone has similar experiences. Thank you.

Love and solidarity to you all.

[Moriji]

Yes, I can relate as I'm sure others here do too.

[rian005]

Yeah, I really relate to the 'get away from them' feeling seeing mother with niece/nephew. Exactly the same thing here. Even though my mother is doting grandmother and so good in so many ways (much better grandma than she was a parent), she crossed a subtle line with me and she'll do it again, given half a chance, with my nieces.

She's worse with girls than boys, because frankly, she doesn't like boys as much as girls, even though she had three sons. That's a bad reason not to do covert incest...

Also completely understand feeling like the covert abuser is fragile and you can't talk to them about it. I've no idea how I would even frame the conversation. My mother is stronger now but she'd still be extremely hurt and - perhaps worse - nonplussed. Worse, because it would serve to invalidate everything I've figured out, to have her just deny everything. She'd be thinking about her intentions, rather than the actual impact of what she did, as parents always do.

I also violently rejected my mum at about the same time as you for the same reason. At the time, she was bursting into my room without knocking all the time. Felt like she wouldn't (or couldn't) leave me alone. I used to lock myself in the bathroom and pretend to be taking a long dump just to get some peace and privacy. It didn't even work. It was like she had a sixth sense for when I was intentionally hiding away, and she wasn't having any of it.

I don't hate my mother anymore but she does make my skin creep. It's a strange, contradictory state of affairs.

[hope17]

This is my first night learning about this term- covert incest- and honestly I am too overwhelmed to say much... but these things you’re both talking about are disgustingly and painfully similar to my experience with my mother. Even as I typed that my body is on fire and I’m nauseous, huge knots in my abdomen. Thank you for sharing your stories. I am deeply saddened there is anyone in the whole world who had to live through what I did I’m also grateful to find other humans who know what it feels like to be an adult trying to navigate this world when THAT was our programming

[hope17]

This is my first night learning about this term- covert incest- and honestly I am too overwhelmed to say much... but these things you’re both talking about are disgustingly and painfully similar to my experience with my mother. Even as I typed that my body is on fire and I’m nauseous, huge knots in my abdomen. Thank you for sharing your stories. I am deeply saddened there is anyone in the whole world who had to live through what I did I’m also grateful to find other humans who know what it feels like to be an adult trying to navigate this world when THAT was our upbringing