Post by emilycas on Jul 11, 2018 22:53:44 GMT -8
Hallo, friends,
Just 2+ weeks into realizing that I was covertly emotionally incested by my mother, since I was in utero. While it never manifested itself as physical incest, I'm still left grappling with questions of whether the stories I've told myself, and she's told me, and the way that I've thought about my life these past 40 years has been a lie.
In short:
My parents have an unhappy marriage. To say my mother settled is an understatement. She herself comes from a highly dysfunctional family (bi-polarism, dead dad, negligent mother...not to mention continual physical incest from her older brother), so I understand she really was doing the best she could with us...but she never womaned up and became an adult. So, she settled for my "safe," omega-male father, who's never followed through on a decision in his life. (And he, sure, is the fourth of ten kids. I imagine nothing was ever expected of him, so he never rose to any occasion.)
Anyway, so I was the "miracle baby," and I'm horrified as I'm realizing now the real reason why I never cried - purposely, deliberately did not cry - until I was 20 years old and far away in college. Because my mother would throw tantrums, and it was up to me to be the effing adult in the room. I honestly don't remember a time that I didn't think of myself as an adult. The family myth that I've told mom, that she's told me, is that her marriage improved when we moved to New Jersey when I was 9 (because dad, the loser, had gotten himself laid off: the first of pretty much consistent unemployment). However the truth is, their marriage didn't improve...my marriage to my mother improved. I became a better spouse, and Dad just let it happen.
I first went to my therapist because I'm (finally) living in NYC on my own, and just had bariatric surgery last year. But something happened when I moved here, and I nearly fell into having an affair. I didn't, but last year I met a fellow at the stage door (I'm in theatre) and all the old feelings of terror over that ex surfaced, which seemed a rather extreme reaction to a conversation with an actor! I asked a friend for advice, and she pointed me towards therapy. I've been really grateful to be going for nearly a year now, and just two weeks ago as I've been searching for what in the world is wrong with me, I ran across the term "Parentification." I brought it in to my therapist, she confirmed (although it didn't take much confirmation! Wow.), and so here I am.
What I'm grappling with most, at present, is sort of highs and lows - extremes of emotion about this whole, well, affair. I've started "coming out" to friends, and to my sister, with whom I have a healthy relationship. (My two brothers? Not so much.) But every move I make, makes me worry about boundaries and wise decisions. I feel like I'm blind. And I'm wavering from feelings of wanting to Do All The Things And Solve All The Problems, to absolute emotional exhaustion.
Anyway, I hope that I can find some community. Even just to prepare me for what the road to recovery looks like.
Thank you for hosting this board.
