Deciding to address this.

[kjames]

First off, I'm a 36 year old father of two boys and a husband. I share custody of my oldest son with my ex-wife and my youngest lives with my current wife and I.

My mother attempted suicide last week. She is being committed and is several states away. I'm struggling with my expectation to care and my reluctance to care. I've created a wall between her and I and my children.

In trying to understand my complex and confusing response to her action, I've found a name to what I experienced as a boy and a teenager.

I feel like much of my childhood has been forgotten, but I recall several incidents with surprising clarity. I get angry and nearly nauseous while recalling them. I don't believe I physically sexually abused by her but there was a lot of weird crap I had to deal with.

My parents were married for about 16 years and working towards divorce from the beginning. Neither of them were monogamous. My father became a workaholic and was home about four hours a week while I was a preteen on. My mother filed the void created by the absence of muy father by starting a small farm and taking in foster children. My mother decided to homeschool me, which meant she slept until noon and I took care of the animals and parented the foster children.

My earliest memories were of me being ill and having my mother recount to me her sexual indiscretions, in graphic detail. I was about 10. I knew about her hetero and homosexual affairs. She explained my father's affairs and their effects on her. As I matured she continued to use me as an emotional waste bin. I was expected to ensure the home ran smoothly, if my sister, father, or foster children made mistakes I was punished for them.

My mother had no boundaries, it was not uncommon for her to call me to get room and have her on her bed uncovered and nude. It also wasn't uncommon for her to walk around or home unclothed, or in clothing meant for the bedroom.

At about 13 as I was developing, she recognized I had hair under my arms and badgered me to show her my genitals to see if I had pubic hair.

When I was 15 My father decided to end the marriage, and start a new life with his mistress.

Mom left the house upon the news. She left me with my sister, foster kids, farm and absent father. She hitchhiked around the country for several weeks. The local cops believed my father murdered my mother.

My mother was found 300 miles from home, and brought back to the home. My father retrieved her and promptly left her with me and my sister, as the foster children were removed, and secreted himself away with his mistress.

My mother immediatley started recounting to me her sexual escapades while ahe was hitchhiking. My mother demanded I sleep in her bed and would wail and cry if I didn't. I started building a wall between her and I. At 16, in public, while I was in a group of peers she snuck up behind me and sucked my ear. I ended all emotional contact with her that day. I couch surfed with her and my sister for about a year as she hopped from bed to bed.

I enlisted at 17. I got away.

I married my first wife at 18 and wasn't comfortable being intimate with her for the first couple years. That marriage failed. I was married for 11 years, but the marriage was ending most of those years. I am emotionally detached and believe it had effect on the marriage failing. My first wife ended the marriage because she realized she'd been lesbian but was hiding it. So, that was a thing too.

With both my parents being unable to be monogamous, I've strived to be the opposite and haven't failed there.

I'm still emotionally detached, but I'm tired of it. I want to be able to be an emotionally healthy father and husband. So I figure it's time to address these issues.

Her attempted suicide has turned into a catalyst.

Sorry if I'm not in the right place or rambling.

[Moriji]

Thanks for sharing. I can relate to what you went through. How unfair it was for you to be treated this way as a small child. You did what many do after having grown up in such an unhealthy environment. You bailed. I wanted to get as far away from my mother as possible and ended up on the opposite side of the planet. Like you, I have also struggled with relationships.

I can't help but wonder whether the suicide attempt is her way of drawing you back into her life. When was the last time you had any contact with your mother?

[kjames]

Typically we spoke about once every six months by phone. And I suspect your right, as the night she attempted suicide she called me and it was just dead air on her end.