Groomed to be a daddy's little girl/kept woman

[dolly]

Hi all:

This is the first time I’m posting here. I have been editing this post because this is not easy for me to talk about. I never talk about it with people I know and that is why I'm posting it here.

I had what I felt was an unhealthy relationship with my father. He would always give me money and gifts, which I highly appreciated, but then he got very compulsive and excessive about it, which made me uncomfortable. I mean, I hardly ever asked him for any of these gifts or money; they were things he wanted me to have, that he insisted on giving me all the time. It got to the point when I finally told him that he didn't always have to buy me things or give me money, and he got really upset and angry at me.

He also used to be an alcoholic (he's cleaned himself up since then, which is to his credit), and fondled me inappropriately a few times when he was drunk. My parents were divorced, and I had to see him on weekends, which was part of their custody agreement. On these weekends, he would spend hours complaining about his relationship with my mother.

I hate to sound ungrateful, but I guess the reason I was so uncomfortable with him giving me all this money and gifts was I was growing up, becoming more independent, wanted to earn my own money and get my own things, and didn't want or need my parents to get involved in it. I feel he insisted on giving me money and gifts all the time because he wanted to keep me dependent on him, that he wanted me to stay a kid he could easily control, that he wanted to infantilize me. I remember I told him this once, and of course he denied it.

Also, he did touch me inappropriately when he was drunk. I can't forget this. I want to love him, I want to be grateful, and I do feel these things for him. But at the same, I also feel revulsion towards him. I can't help this.

All this happened when I was a pre-teen and early teenager, and I never told anyone about it; simply because I wasn't sure it would do any good if I did. Everyone thought I should be grateful to my father for being so generous with me, including some people that I originally thought were my friends, but found out later that they only wanted to friends with me because they wanted to take advantage of me because of my father. I tried to tell them my relationship with him wasn't nearly as ideal as they though it was, and they didn't want to hear it. Looking back on it now, I think they brushed it off  because they saw me the way they wanted to see me: this daddy's little girl who had everything and who they believed could be their living ATM machine.

For so much of my childhood, I felt I was never allowed to have my own identity outside of what my father and peers thought me to be. 
I feel like my father consciously or unconsciously groomed me to be his kept woman, and I feel so much shame over it.

One thing I have realized lately is that none of this was my fault; especially since I hardly ever asked for any of the money or presents he gave me.

I would love to know anyone’s thoughts on this.

Thanks in advance.

P.S. I'm glad there is a forum on covert incest, because I think covert incest can lead to overt incest; just as emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. It was certainly my experience.

[James C T]

Welcome, Dolly. Having the conflicting feelings of revulsion and gratitude toward your father parallels what happened for me when I first started to come to grips with my situation with my mother. It has taken me a time to sort out how I feel about my mother, but I have. You are right that this isn't your fault. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[dolly]

Thank you, James, for your comment. It amazes me how deeply ingrained all this stuff is.

What is your story?

[James C T]

May 12, 2017 13:36:09 GMT -8 dolly said:

Thank you, James, for your comment. It amazes me how deeply ingrained all this stuff is.

What is your story?

My father is an alcoholic and a workaholic and from that was not very present or emotionally available to my mother.  My mother filled the void created by that with, well, me.  My mother was never overtly sexual with me, but she was more free with disrobing than I felt comfortable with. I was very much her confidant and focus.  A part of me enjoyed the attention, but I struggled for individuation. Even now I fear getting consumed in intimate relationships.

From this I have found myself attracted to women who have been similar to my mother and often as unavailable in relationships as my father is. My issues first manifested as the syndrome of an adult child of an alcoholic (Adult Children of Alcoholics is a real thing) and in working on that (and my divorced), I found my love addiction issues (Love Addicts Anonymous is also a real thing).  And in that I realized that I suffered emotional incest (IIRC the term).

When I first realized this, I became very angry and resentful toward my mother.  It took almost two years of feeling all of these feelings that I was able to forgive her for the scars I carry because of it.  This was hard for me because, as I have said, I also love my mother for the positive things she did for me.  The dichotomy still exists, but it no longer produces the cognitive dissonance it once did.  People can be more than one thing.

I hope this helps and if you have any further questions, feel free to ask.

[hopeingodtoday]

hey dolly my ex girlfriend was also very dependent financially on her dad and things were kept that way on purpose. regular calls she had to take, she changing her voice and playing dadys little girl, it made me sick, he told her in front of me how she is his and i cant go near her, he was all over her hugging an kissing when i was around, i broke up partly due to their relationship, he hated me and all other men in her life before me, he wanted to keep her young and infantile and said she sould never seriously date anyone, ur post immediatly made me think of her, may god heal your heart, my advice is to find a father in jesus christ. may god bless you!