Post by thisismenow on Feb 20, 2017 23:24:35 GMT -8
My name is Lucas...
I am a survivor of being sexually, manipulated, abused, groomed, and controlled among other issues... by my brother.
It all began when I was eight and my brother was about 13. it went on for many years, until I was forced from home [disowned] when I was 16. I feel guilt, shame, anger, lost, broken, worthless, defeated, confusions, and a lot of other feelings.
At first I hated what he was doing to me with every fiber of me and I cried a lot, well, I did a lot more than cry... a lot of self destructive things were manifesting within me. This also started a few months after my other brother died, who was nine at the time.
Then I began wanting it and asking for it. I started to vigorously hate myself but was also completely confused and somehow, felt compelled to want more of this demoralizing behaviors, which I knew was destroying me but I felt... it was like I was not in control but was going through empty motions. I started hurting myself and tried killing myself before over this.
Of course, I have long got help but my therapist said talking about this helps. I have a hard time talking about it with people I know so I am here. Although I've received professional help, I still seek more understanding and may seek this further understanding for some time to come. At least, it's how I feel. Why now? A recent conversation with a stranger dug up these old feeling I thought I handled but clearly, I am mistaken.
To this day I am confused about this. It was wrong, destructive, demoralizing, and painful in so many ways. I was forced, coerced, groomed but like I said it started changing me. I fought the feelings that began welling up but I was not strong enough to combat them at the time. I was emotionally drained from losing my brother and my parents were... emotionally absent most of the time.
I finally left home and got away from all that hell. I am left to deal with all this though. My parents are deceased and my brother is also deceased. he died in a drowning accident. It's just me and I want to be open about this but at the same time, not only am I scared to open up out of shame, but I also do not know where to turn, trust concerns, I'm sure you can relate.
I hope I can find connections here.
I am gay. Even that though, I very often question if I am gay Just simply because... I am gay... or did my brother somehow cause me to be gay because he started forcing me into sex at such a young and impressionable age.
Please, any discussion would greatly help me navigate this... path that I still see no end to.
I have never really spoke of this outside of a therapists office. So, this... this is all new for me and I'm a bit scared.
I am a survivor of being sexually, manipulated, abused, groomed, and controlled among other issues... by my brother.
It all began when I was eight and my brother was about 13. it went on for many years, until I was forced from home [disowned] when I was 16. I feel guilt, shame, anger, lost, broken, worthless, defeated, confusions, and a lot of other feelings.
At first I hated what he was doing to me with every fiber of me and I cried a lot, well, I did a lot more than cry... a lot of self destructive things were manifesting within me. This also started a few months after my other brother died, who was nine at the time.
Then I began wanting it and asking for it. I started to vigorously hate myself but was also completely confused and somehow, felt compelled to want more of this demoralizing behaviors, which I knew was destroying me but I felt... it was like I was not in control but was going through empty motions. I started hurting myself and tried killing myself before over this.
Of course, I have long got help but my therapist said talking about this helps. I have a hard time talking about it with people I know so I am here. Although I've received professional help, I still seek more understanding and may seek this further understanding for some time to come. At least, it's how I feel. Why now? A recent conversation with a stranger dug up these old feeling I thought I handled but clearly, I am mistaken.
To this day I am confused about this. It was wrong, destructive, demoralizing, and painful in so many ways. I was forced, coerced, groomed but like I said it started changing me. I fought the feelings that began welling up but I was not strong enough to combat them at the time. I was emotionally drained from losing my brother and my parents were... emotionally absent most of the time.
I finally left home and got away from all that hell. I am left to deal with all this though. My parents are deceased and my brother is also deceased. he died in a drowning accident. It's just me and I want to be open about this but at the same time, not only am I scared to open up out of shame, but I also do not know where to turn, trust concerns, I'm sure you can relate.
I hope I can find connections here.
I am gay. Even that though, I very often question if I am gay Just simply because... I am gay... or did my brother somehow cause me to be gay because he started forcing me into sex at such a young and impressionable age.
Please, any discussion would greatly help me navigate this... path that I still see no end to.
I have never really spoke of this outside of a therapists office. So, this... this is all new for me and I'm a bit scared.
