Post by summertime on Jul 26, 2016 8:56:16 GMT -8
I have to first put a massive shout out to Paul Gilmartin and his podcast "The Mental Illness Happy Hour." If you haven't listened go and do so. Informative but funny and because of him, I've finally pinned down a primary source for my chronic sense of shame and worthlessness...of my inability to practice self-care or complete much of what I start because I'm always in a panic about whether it will be good enough; about whether others will approve.
My mother was emotionally incestuous to me. I guess my dad was the ghost/absent parent, though really he was just working hard to support us and had a bit of a pot habit in his downtime...but there was an emotional separation between them that developed over time, in spite of the great times we had as a family in my younger years.
I believe she also had an extremely dysfunctional, codependent relationship with her mother, and that the emotional separation that developed between her parents was even more severe. I think my grandfather was off at work and had no idea that my mother and her brother were being emotionally traumatized and at times physically beaten by my grandmother (who died before I was born). My understanding is that she was also horribly an used by her mother.
This is all so sad to look at, but for the first time I realize I have a specific set of symptoms that are a known result of a particular kind of abuse. I have a lot of anger toward my mother...but I've never really held her accountable for anything because I've always had to tread so carefully with her delicate emotions. Having to take care of her in this way taught me that taking care of myself was the least important thing.
Now I'm almost 42, married with kids, and realizing how much of my life has just been me playing out these early-built misconceptions about myself as a last priority. I'm depressed and anxious and an insomniac. I have autoimmune issues and I'm exhausted. Seeing a great naturopath who is helping me with all of this, and I'm actually getting excited about the idea of writing stories about these sorts of f**ked up relationships.
Anyway, now that I know emotional incest is a thing, I feel like there might be hope for me to be the version of myself I have always felt was out of reach. I was never physically or sexually abused, but there was definitely sexualization in the way my mother spoke to and about me. Anyone with a similar experience? I'm happy to share stories and maybe work through some stuff together.
My mother was emotionally incestuous to me. I guess my dad was the ghost/absent parent, though really he was just working hard to support us and had a bit of a pot habit in his downtime...but there was an emotional separation between them that developed over time, in spite of the great times we had as a family in my younger years.
I believe she also had an extremely dysfunctional, codependent relationship with her mother, and that the emotional separation that developed between her parents was even more severe. I think my grandfather was off at work and had no idea that my mother and her brother were being emotionally traumatized and at times physically beaten by my grandmother (who died before I was born). My understanding is that she was also horribly an used by her mother.
This is all so sad to look at, but for the first time I realize I have a specific set of symptoms that are a known result of a particular kind of abuse. I have a lot of anger toward my mother...but I've never really held her accountable for anything because I've always had to tread so carefully with her delicate emotions. Having to take care of her in this way taught me that taking care of myself was the least important thing.
Now I'm almost 42, married with kids, and realizing how much of my life has just been me playing out these early-built misconceptions about myself as a last priority. I'm depressed and anxious and an insomniac. I have autoimmune issues and I'm exhausted. Seeing a great naturopath who is helping me with all of this, and I'm actually getting excited about the idea of writing stories about these sorts of f**ked up relationships.
Anyway, now that I know emotional incest is a thing, I feel like there might be hope for me to be the version of myself I have always felt was out of reach. I was never physically or sexually abused, but there was definitely sexualization in the way my mother spoke to and about me. Anyone with a similar experience? I'm happy to share stories and maybe work through some stuff together.
