Post by vasilisa on May 20, 2016 9:09:36 GMT -8
Hi everyone. Thank you for just reading this.
I will keep my story short as I know most of you know the basics of it in your own stories. My mom used me as her partner from at least as young of an age as eight ( i'm 27 now ) when my parents got divorced. She actually would use the word partner to describe me thinking it was positive. I raised my little sister and protected her from my mom as best as I could. A few months ago I found out about covert incest and suddenly everything made sense. it got harder because I felt like my whole childhood came in to question ( everything seemed good on the outside) and everything I ever thought I knew about myself as well. My trust of my own partner, because I thought to myself well if my mom could manipulate me so completely for my whole life and I couldn't see it, then who's to say that my partner isn't doing it now? So yes of course I've been very defensive, very argumentative and in pain since I found out.
My partner experienced an emotionally and physically abusive childhood but as far as I know without covert incest. His parents are too mean to ever be able to trick him into being one of their partners. He says that he's dealt with it and he's over it... Yet they took his child from him and are now raising her in the same household he grew up in. Can you tell I'm not convinced?
Anyway. It's been very difficult and I feel my heart hurts every day although I do feel like I am growing every day as I read more and things seem to fall into place in my heart.
I planned my future with this man before I found out about the covert incest. He is the one that help me escape from my mom in the first place knowing it was a f**ked up situation but not what it was called . If I were single and this happened I would not have gotten into a relationship until I figured out some answers. I've been feeling like I maybe need to be alone so that I can understand who I really am without another person and build a strong foundation since I don't feel like I've ever been able to make that. I'm sure you guys probably understand, I hope you do, that what our parents did can make us feel like every relationship with another person is wrong.
My mom came over to stay the night last night because she needed somewhere to stay in town while she was here working. I was very argumentative/stressed with my boyfriend but I asked him to just understand that it's because my mom was coming over and that I needed support. We have been fighting ever since then.
He texted me some things today that took me completely by surprise. Regarding the CI, he wrote:
"...my god you need to let that go. You are a healthy human being. Honestly I know more people than less in my life that had to do similar things as a kid. And they're fine. did you miss out on something really important in life as a kid? she just loved you and was overbearing... Like a lot of moms that are single… What is so bad about that."
When I replied that I would never say that to him about his past this is what he said :
"because I know that my parents had bad intentions and actually did bad things. Your mom cared but I don’t think she thought of you as her “partner”. She just thinks you are going to want to be her bestfreind forever".
...as I said my mom frequently used the word partner to describe me. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that is what I was to her. Or that this was covert incest.
Now I'm wondering if I should just walk away today because it feels like my journey of healing is being stifled by another relationship. And I thought that he understood and that we are in it together as kids who had gone through abuse. But come to find out after three months of me trying to work through this that he never believed me in the first place.
My heart feels like a rotten fruit. I don't know what to do. Please help.
I will keep my story short as I know most of you know the basics of it in your own stories. My mom used me as her partner from at least as young of an age as eight ( i'm 27 now ) when my parents got divorced. She actually would use the word partner to describe me thinking it was positive. I raised my little sister and protected her from my mom as best as I could. A few months ago I found out about covert incest and suddenly everything made sense. it got harder because I felt like my whole childhood came in to question ( everything seemed good on the outside) and everything I ever thought I knew about myself as well. My trust of my own partner, because I thought to myself well if my mom could manipulate me so completely for my whole life and I couldn't see it, then who's to say that my partner isn't doing it now? So yes of course I've been very defensive, very argumentative and in pain since I found out.
My partner experienced an emotionally and physically abusive childhood but as far as I know without covert incest. His parents are too mean to ever be able to trick him into being one of their partners. He says that he's dealt with it and he's over it... Yet they took his child from him and are now raising her in the same household he grew up in. Can you tell I'm not convinced?
Anyway. It's been very difficult and I feel my heart hurts every day although I do feel like I am growing every day as I read more and things seem to fall into place in my heart.
I planned my future with this man before I found out about the covert incest. He is the one that help me escape from my mom in the first place knowing it was a f**ked up situation but not what it was called . If I were single and this happened I would not have gotten into a relationship until I figured out some answers. I've been feeling like I maybe need to be alone so that I can understand who I really am without another person and build a strong foundation since I don't feel like I've ever been able to make that. I'm sure you guys probably understand, I hope you do, that what our parents did can make us feel like every relationship with another person is wrong.
My mom came over to stay the night last night because she needed somewhere to stay in town while she was here working. I was very argumentative/stressed with my boyfriend but I asked him to just understand that it's because my mom was coming over and that I needed support. We have been fighting ever since then.
He texted me some things today that took me completely by surprise. Regarding the CI, he wrote:
"...my god you need to let that go. You are a healthy human being. Honestly I know more people than less in my life that had to do similar things as a kid. And they're fine. did you miss out on something really important in life as a kid? she just loved you and was overbearing... Like a lot of moms that are single… What is so bad about that."
When I replied that I would never say that to him about his past this is what he said :
"because I know that my parents had bad intentions and actually did bad things. Your mom cared but I don’t think she thought of you as her “partner”. She just thinks you are going to want to be her bestfreind forever".
...as I said my mom frequently used the word partner to describe me. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that is what I was to her. Or that this was covert incest.
Now I'm wondering if I should just walk away today because it feels like my journey of healing is being stifled by another relationship. And I thought that he understood and that we are in it together as kids who had gone through abuse. But come to find out after three months of me trying to work through this that he never believed me in the first place.
My heart feels like a rotten fruit. I don't know what to do. Please help.
