Post by surrender on Feb 5, 2014 13:13:07 GMT -8
Hello,
I have been with my partner for three years. Upon visiting him I was quietly very disturbed by a dynamic I witnessed with his mother. After returning home I began to do research based on what I had witnessed which he seemed utterly in denial about. My partner is 35 yrs old and has never left home. He is his waif mother's golden boy who is in an emotionally neglected marriage and has turned to her son to fulfill everything that her husband does not.
My partner is absolutely 100% favored and the golden apple of his mother's eye yet she can't understand why my partner doesn't want a job or any real responsibility. She acts as though she has only ever done everything to show him her love and support and is mystified as to why he is so incapable of coping with life. It doesn't dawn on her the normal things such as:
My partner has a love and hate relationship with women - a black and white judgement based on a severe lack of trust, fear of abandonment, suffers from rage, diagnosed with BPD, fear of being vulnerable in love and losing power and control, moodiness, fear of being engulfed, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, suffers from major emotional dysregularity, doesn't have a filter when he rages, zero impulse control, avoidant etc etc yet his mother acts as though there isn't a single thing wrong with him other than he can't seem to keep a job, doesn't want a job (and why should he if they take care of him?)
For most of his adult life he told himself excuses as to why he wasn't fit for relationship or commitment. He spent his life simply trying to stabilize his emotional dysregulation and severe moods. He suffers from depression and a huge fear of commitment and fear of love or being loved. The excuses as to why he was made specifically to not have an intimate relationship or ever get married varied depending on the belief at the time. For a time it was because he felt that God set him aside to be alone for a purpose and so on and so on, you get the drift.
There are many things about this entire situation that terrify me but I love him with all my heart and have found none closer than him. What I saw between him and his mother made me feel a very deep disturbance of a very maligned nature. At first I couldn't put my figure on it but I saw the entire dynamic and everything in my being screamed that it not only was WRONG but that somehow because of it my partner was functioning as a very damaged, handicapped, de-masculated emotionally under developed being.
There was something extremely dark and sinister about it all. Interestingly his mother loves me and quite quickly I saw a triangulation happening between my partner, his mother and I. I believe I was the first woman who was on par with her and she was aware of my influence in her son. From the beginning I have been working with my partner to help him emancipate himself from this life of a scared boy and into manhood. To be honest I'm not even sure why or how I have found myself in this situation but to say that I come from one of the most dysfunctional families ever so I understand quite a bit.
The dynamic that I witnessed between my partner and his mother was one of very equal intimacy. Not only does she literally serve him, goes into his suite with food on a plate and brings it to him, she does everything for him and anything my partner does is because he elects to do so for himself. My partner feels that he is independent in this scenario because he has a separate suite divided from his folks home while his older sibling who is not a golden child got a room in the parents house.
I see a rivalry in her when it comes to me and it comes out very rarely because she is so good at appearing like she is the 'good' woman who loves us all and doesn't want to judge anyone or anything. She has manipulated her son into believing that not only is she the perfect example of what all women should be but aren't but also through her quiet victimization and a benevolent persona and has ensnared him using guilt, protection and crossing all natural boundaries to the point where the damage is and maybe irreversible. My partner is not even aware of how insidious this all is and how utterly twisted he has become as a result. He feels that servicing his mother is a small price to pay for all that she does for him. Not only does he feel privileged but fortunate to have such a wonderfully serving mother who suffers quietly and asks for nothing in return.
Mean while my partner can barely function and is tormented by a daily sexual compulsion (chronic masturbation/porn) the need to release tension via multiple orgasms and what ever else I have no clue about?
There are so many problems here that I don't even know where to begin. Yet through out all of this there is a way that the entire functions which appears for the most part normal even though it is anything but. My partner is her surrogate husband and doesn't even seem to be able to connect the dots to all of his dysfunctions and why he suffers so many severe symptoms yet he is in denial of everything with regards to his mother because she is so amazing. Yet even so she is so amazing he will rage on her when he is feeling engulfed and angry.Yet she denies that he suffers from anything and becomes upset at the mention of it.
I really need help understanding what is happening here and what I can expect as his partner. Is there a potential for future here? He says that he is willing to move out with me and away from his family. He admits some things but is always in defence of her. However, if she does something which he feels is wrong he has not problem raising that issue and stating it for what it is. I think the deeper issue is everything that he is missing and doesn't want to look at.