Post by grumpoldman on Oct 12, 2009 5:18:36 GMT -8
I've been struglling with family life for some time. My wife and I are not argumentative people, but we keep having rows about
her son/my stepson. I've felt uncomfortable for some time about how, at 17, she micromanages him, sthingy feeds him and any responibilities he drops, (which are many) she will gladly pick up for him.
A silly example of this is the milk. It was his job to bring it in, twice a week. As usual, he started well and then, as usual, started to get up later in the mornings and engineer 'higher priorities' than getting in the milk. He also caused loads of fuss. After a few weeks my wife was bringing it in.
After a couple of weeks it was too much for my wife to do the milk and all her other morning jobs so she asked me to do it. I refused and we had a row.
When I told her our son should be getting the milk in, she made excuses for him.
This has been a fairly repeatable pattern for some years. Everything used to be OK, but at some point in time, she transferred a significant chunk of her affections from me to him. She started to defend him when he's completely in the wrong. You would have to see it to believe it.
Now he feels strong and powerful and just tries to walk over everyone. My wife doesn't mind, but I do. When he tries to walk over me, I stop him.
Then he causes a big fuss, my wife gets involved, she takes his side and we have a row and I resent her.
I guess as worryingly, she's also damaging his personal development. I've read that she is probably bringing up someone who expects to be very special and will have difficulty in forming long term relationships.
Here's a list of things that get right up my nose:
1) Talking over most of my sentences
2) Wanting to be the centre of attention all of the time
3) Talks over films, despite requests to be quiet
4) Stirs up trouble between other children
5) Will avoid work at any cost - even if the benefit is solely his
6) Is arrogant and really doesn't care about others
7) Knows almost every excuse in the world to avoid work and responsibilities
8) Mother knows every other excuse in the world to support him
9) Takes the direct opposite line to me in order to start an argument
10) If problems occur, mother and son chat it out separately & exclude me
11) Mother hangs onto his every word, with glistening eyes
12) If mother gives me attention, he suddenly has an urgent need for attention
13) Acts like an idiot and then will argue black is white and has 'no knowledge' of what he has said and cannot see the harmful impact he has on others.
14) As soon as something looks like he will need to take responsibilty - he's long gone
15) He will spend an evening winding me up. When I bite, he looks shocked and then over to his mother. She tells me I'm being too sensitive.
16) I want to throttle him. Firstly for being so disruptive in my relationship with my blinkered wife and secondly for attacking me at every moment.
17) I don't talk much when he's around. In fact, if I take my wife in the kitchen for a chat, he follows seconds later. I then have to boot him out if I want a conversation that makes any sense.
18) He is obsessive about a topic, throws himself in and then drops it. This is a repeated pattern of action.
19) At 17, he is almost completely micromanaged by my wife. She applies for jobs for him, fills in forms for him etc.
20) I feel second best. Particulary when he is plainly agressive and my wife takes his side.
21) Extremely sensitive to critiscism. Critiscises others constantly. Has no notion of how this could upset people.
I guess the real problem for me is that my wife and step-son are very much into this and really do put on a good show of ignorance.
Maybe they are completely ignorant about whats going on. My wife says I am just jealous of their relationship (which is true) and
it's just male hormones.
The fact is it's making family life very difficult. Ocassionally this blows up into a row when I can't take it any longer.
The term Covert Incest is very emotive. I'm pretty sure if I suggested that my wife was practising this, she would go into meltdown. Amazing when I think it's as plain as the nose on your face.
My stepson's not about to let go of the additional power he has been given either. Like as not it will be one hell of a fight. I'll have to box really clever.
I've just bought a copy of Silently Seduced and a copy of Sons & Lovers so I'll wait for those to come in the post.
If anyone can make any sense of the brain dump above, I'd be very interested in hearing others views and experiences.
Kind Regards
Steve
her son/my stepson. I've felt uncomfortable for some time about how, at 17, she micromanages him, sthingy feeds him and any responibilities he drops, (which are many) she will gladly pick up for him.
A silly example of this is the milk. It was his job to bring it in, twice a week. As usual, he started well and then, as usual, started to get up later in the mornings and engineer 'higher priorities' than getting in the milk. He also caused loads of fuss. After a few weeks my wife was bringing it in.
After a couple of weeks it was too much for my wife to do the milk and all her other morning jobs so she asked me to do it. I refused and we had a row.
When I told her our son should be getting the milk in, she made excuses for him.
This has been a fairly repeatable pattern for some years. Everything used to be OK, but at some point in time, she transferred a significant chunk of her affections from me to him. She started to defend him when he's completely in the wrong. You would have to see it to believe it.
Now he feels strong and powerful and just tries to walk over everyone. My wife doesn't mind, but I do. When he tries to walk over me, I stop him.
Then he causes a big fuss, my wife gets involved, she takes his side and we have a row and I resent her.
I guess as worryingly, she's also damaging his personal development. I've read that she is probably bringing up someone who expects to be very special and will have difficulty in forming long term relationships.
Here's a list of things that get right up my nose:
1) Talking over most of my sentences
2) Wanting to be the centre of attention all of the time
3) Talks over films, despite requests to be quiet
4) Stirs up trouble between other children
5) Will avoid work at any cost - even if the benefit is solely his
6) Is arrogant and really doesn't care about others
7) Knows almost every excuse in the world to avoid work and responsibilities
8) Mother knows every other excuse in the world to support him
9) Takes the direct opposite line to me in order to start an argument
10) If problems occur, mother and son chat it out separately & exclude me
11) Mother hangs onto his every word, with glistening eyes
12) If mother gives me attention, he suddenly has an urgent need for attention
13) Acts like an idiot and then will argue black is white and has 'no knowledge' of what he has said and cannot see the harmful impact he has on others.
14) As soon as something looks like he will need to take responsibilty - he's long gone
15) He will spend an evening winding me up. When I bite, he looks shocked and then over to his mother. She tells me I'm being too sensitive.
16) I want to throttle him. Firstly for being so disruptive in my relationship with my blinkered wife and secondly for attacking me at every moment.
17) I don't talk much when he's around. In fact, if I take my wife in the kitchen for a chat, he follows seconds later. I then have to boot him out if I want a conversation that makes any sense.
18) He is obsessive about a topic, throws himself in and then drops it. This is a repeated pattern of action.
19) At 17, he is almost completely micromanaged by my wife. She applies for jobs for him, fills in forms for him etc.
20) I feel second best. Particulary when he is plainly agressive and my wife takes his side.
21) Extremely sensitive to critiscism. Critiscises others constantly. Has no notion of how this could upset people.
I guess the real problem for me is that my wife and step-son are very much into this and really do put on a good show of ignorance.
Maybe they are completely ignorant about whats going on. My wife says I am just jealous of their relationship (which is true) and
it's just male hormones.
The fact is it's making family life very difficult. Ocassionally this blows up into a row when I can't take it any longer.
The term Covert Incest is very emotive. I'm pretty sure if I suggested that my wife was practising this, she would go into meltdown. Amazing when I think it's as plain as the nose on your face.
My stepson's not about to let go of the additional power he has been given either. Like as not it will be one hell of a fight. I'll have to box really clever.
I've just bought a copy of Silently Seduced and a copy of Sons & Lovers so I'll wait for those to come in the post.
If anyone can make any sense of the brain dump above, I'd be very interested in hearing others views and experiences.
Kind Regards
Steve