Letters to in-laws

[wifetobe]

I am not sure if any partners of survivors are reading this, but a way I helped my anger was to write a letter to my MIL, that I did not give her. I have said this somewhere else, but it really helped. I offered to share with my fiance, but he has not read it. He said he is not ready to read it, yet, because he is sure it trashes his mom. He knows she is wrong and has done a lot of damage to him, but he is not ready to see it written in words, yet. I would like him to read it, so he knows where I am coming from, but he is not there, yet. I respect that. My letter is mostly about what I am mad about, what she has done to me, and what will and will not be acceptable in our marriage and future. It helps to get a lot out. You can feel empowerment at setting your own boundaries, and about having some power of your own. I may post it one day, but I would have to edit the names out, and that would take a while.

It is hard to be in a relationship with a victim of covert incest. You feel helpless and alone, a lot. But, I am here for you, if you need help. It is scary to talk about, especially if your partner does not realize it, yet. You can feel safe venting here. Nobody knows who you are. The month I have been writing on here has helped, TREMENDOUSLY. You can't make them change, but if you really love your partner, you can help yourself to deal with the situation, until the time comes that they see what is going on. It is hard to sit there day by day feeling as if you have no say so in your relationship. I often feel my in-laws run my life. I sometimes feel my MIL is more important. It does get better, when your partner accepts it. It is rough, because there are good days and bad days, but it is better. It is hard, but you are NOT alone.

Much love,

WTB

[wifetobe]

I have edited the letter I was talking about to remove identifying names. I have not sent this, and my fiance has not read it. I refer to everyone as if we are married, b/c our wedding is this weekend. It is LONG, but it might help other spouses, by serving as a guide for personal venting. I had to split it into a couple of posts, because of the length. Here it is:

MIL,

I am not sure how to even begin this letter. I am very angry, but I am very torn. Unfortunately, you are the mother of the man I love. I say unfortunately, because if you were anyone else, I would never waste another breath on you. However, because I will be forced to be around you for the rest of your life, I am going to get some things off my chest.

You are a bitter person. You need to think about how much damage you have done to your children. You raised them to satisfy your own marital needs and make you happy. You have abused them in the worst way possible. DH has anger issues related to your need to have him be your friend and companion, rather than to have him as your son. He has lost years of a quality relationship with his father, due to resentment on both of their parts, placed there by you. BIL and DH both appear to be paranoid schizophrenics. You have planted conspiracy theories in their heads. You have religiously brainwashed DH. You should be intelligent enough to realize that when you yourself are in a deep depression you can not clearly and lucidly interpret any religious values. FIL is correct; you have brainwashed your children to the point of unhealthy fixations on evil in the world. All of the energy you could have spent making them healthy, independent, functionally adult men, you spent making them emotionally crippled boys to satisfy your own selfish needs and keep them close to you.

Your behavior as a mother has been completely inappropriate. There is no excusable reason on this planet for how you have behaved and continue to behave with your son. You never should have bashed your husband the way you have to him and others. Also, you continue to ask him to hide things from his father and lie. This is starting to affect my life, now.

Furthermore, I will no longer tolerate your manipulation and controlling behavior. It is not acceptable for you to say negative things about me to DH or anyone else. It is not acceptable for you to make remarks about my parents to DH, either. Just because you choose to say negative things about your spouse and his parents to other people, it does not mean DH wishes to take part in those types of conversations about me and my parents. You have controlled and manipulated your own husband and children, and you probably do not know anything different, but the rest of the world does not work this way. I do NOT hide money from DH. I will NOT ask my children to lie for me. I will NOT bad mouth DH to my children. I will NOT tell my children or their partners how horrible their grandparents (YOU) are, as you did. I guess the point is this….you are a manipulating, abusive, controlling woman, and I am not. I will NEVER forgive you for trying to convince DH I am manipulating and controlling. I will NEVER forgive you for saying bad things about my parents to DH. I will NEVER forgive you from trying to break us up. You lied and manipulated, but we can see through it. I always could, but now DH does, too. You succeeded for a while, but you will not anymore. For a while, you managed to control DH into not telling me about your little conversations about me and how I am trying to take him away from you and control him and so on. However, now I know. Your crying displays will not work. Your "I was desperate, because I am losing my son" will not work. Buying him things will not work.

[wifetobe]

(cont'd)

Guilting him into visiting will not work. Calling him with your computer problems, car problems and other favors will not work. You have your own husband for these things. If you are unhappy with FIL, tell him. If your sex life is good or if it sucks, tell FIL. Neither DH nor I have ANY desire to hear about your sex life. If you spend too much money, tell your husband and deal with the consequences. Your son does not need to know how deceiving and sneaky you are with his father, nor do I. If you want to kiss someone on the lips, kiss your husband. Talk about his butt and how handsome he is. You are a grown woman with your own husband. You two should be able to find driving directions to a restaurant, figure out how to buy an EZ Tag, etc. You can come to DH for a change to visit. We resent Christmas Eve. We resent the hospital stay DH had, and your lack of concern for him. You care more about yourself and covering your lies than for your own son. I understand you have a driving phobia, but your son was having emergency surgery and wanted you to come. You did not even get him a card. You refused my offer to spend the night and have me drive you home. Then, to cover your own deception and dishonesty with FIL, you refused to loan him 396.00 to get insurance. You convinced FIL you two did not have the money to help him out for a month or two. If you cared about your son, you would have come clean with FIL about your hidden credit card and the drained savings account. You could have charged the money on your own secret credit card to help him out. It is not like he wanted a pony or something ridiculous. Your son was given a gift to go to Europe, and he asked you for 100.00 for his passport for Christmas, so he could go on an incredible trip, and you did not give him that gift. Instead, you made him feel guilty for asking, and spent way more than that on Christmas. But, you got what you wanted, we were there. And, on the subject of Christmas, you tried to outdo me by buying EVERYTHING I mentioned I wanted to get DH. Then, you tell me to take back the gifts I bought him, because you already got them and did not tell me. Your attempts to buy your son and give him the gifts you know he wants, so I can't, are transparent. Then, you give us a gift labeled to both of us, which was a slap in my face. You bought that before DH and I were together, made a big deal about how you had lost it for a year, and then, it was something you know we had no use for. DH already told you we have received bathroom accessories for our wedding. You just tacked my name onto a gift you purchased for DH before I came into the picture, and then did not even bother to conceal the fact you purchased it without me in mind. In the future, I would rather you not buy me a Christmas present. You made such an obvious difference in our gifts, and you bought me tacky things that even you would not ever dream of putting in your own home. You made it very clear what you think of me. You bought me gifts you knew I would not like. I like the wallet, and it was a nice gift. However, what ruined it was you telling me about it, and then saying if it was not right, you would keep it. It is like you bought a gift and whoever could use it would get it. The briefcase was nice, but you could have asked DH if I already have one, which I do. I spent a lot of time trying to pick out gifts for you and your family. I just want it clear that from now on, DH will give me a list of stuff he wants, and after I decide what I am getting for him, I will pass the rest on to you. You ruined Christmas this year, because you manipulated the situation, I could not get DH what I wanted to. Same thing with birthdays. DH agrees with me on this. It is not fair to take the pleasure of gift giving away, and make it into a competition. Also, in the future, we do not need you calling us to bug us and remind us of what time we are supposed to be at your house. We are adults, and we can tell time. You will not take away from our private Christmas time together, by making us hurry and rush to get there. You can open gifts without us, and then we can have a gift exchange with our presents, once we arrive.

You have paid absolutely nothing for our wedding, until the pictures. How do you think that makes him feel? It places more financial obligations on my parents, who have already provided your son with a place to live, utilities, insurance and the deductible for his car to get out of the shop. You make him feel guilty about money, so he won't say anything to FIL. DH resents the fact that he KNOWS when BIL or BIL get married, they will have rehearsal dinners, grooms cakes, flowers, ministers and etc paid for. You should chew on how much you have ruined our wedding. We are having no rehearsal dinner, because you whined about how broke you were. So, I was left feeling terrible, and did not want to even suggest a rehearsal. DH wanted his brothers to be groomsmen, but you said you did not want to pay to rent 3 tuxedos. Then, you made our day about you, because you did not want to sit there alone. What about what DH wants? It is his wedding, not yours. You only paid for half the pictures, which DH had to force you to do. You would have been perfectly happy to pay for nothing. That really shows your son you care. And, what about your husband? He feels good about himself, because he thinks he is paying for what you all are responsible for. I sent you a spreadsheet long ago with the groom's side's financial obligations, which you obviously ignored and never showed FIL. Imagined how humiliated and embarrassed he would be if he knew he was not paying his actual part for his son's wedding, and then to realize another man was paying his share. Then you ruin it for me, because I have to see you sitting there in the front row, knowing everything you have said about me and my parents, and worse, knowing you tried to stop our marriage from happening. I have to directly face your direction when I say my vows, while knowing you don't want another woman to have your son.

[wifetobe]

(cont'd pt.2)

It is horrible that you have to make your kids believe you care about them, because you deceive your husband for them. You make them think you care, because you are taking such a huge risk for them by lying and deceiving your own husband. Really, you make them feel guilty into not spilling the beans to FIL, because "you helped them so much, because you care" and "you were the only one there for him." There is no doubt in DH's mind that FIL would leave you if he knew half of the things you have hidden from him. DH feels guilty about so many things, that he should not feel guilty about. No child should feel that by being honest they will be responsible for the downfall of their parent's marriage. You are NOT my mother. I will not lie for you or listen to you talk about other people anymore. Yes, you are forcing me to lie, because WE are paying you money back that FIL does not know about, and when the day comes he finds out, he will be furious at all of us for hiding it from him. And no, my mother does not do this for me. You think she does or hides money from my dad for whatever reason (this is apparent by your remark about making the check out to my dad so my mom does not spend it).

My views on our future are this. I will never forgive you for lies you have told me. I will never forgive lies you have told about me. You caused your son unnecessary pain and suffering by trying to split him up from the one person he loves and who loves him. I will not forgive you for that. I will NEVER understand how DH forgave you for the HORRIBLE lies you told me about him. You are so lucky he still speaks to you. Not many people would forgive their mother for such disgusting lies and manipulation. Nor, will I ever understand how he wants you to share our wedding, after all the things you tried to do to prevent it and make it a financial burden, not to mention taking the joy away from him of having his brothers stand up for him as groomsmen. HOWEVER, you are DH's mother. I can not cut you completely out of my life; unless that is the decision he comes to. I will never tell him to disown you, but you will not cause us anymore grief or guilt in our life. Everyone who resides in that house is an adult, and they are capable of coming to see DH. So, he will no longer feel guilty about not coming out there all the time. If the negativity, lying, controlling, manipulating, bad mouthing, deception, inappropriate sexual conversations, etc stop, then you will be welcome in my home. However, do not think DH will hide these conversations you two have anymore. I don't know why you would want to try to put negative thoughts in your son's head about his wife, anyway. Do you want him miserable and paranoid for the rest of his life? You have been such a horrible role model for how a healthy marital relationship functions; we have a lot to work on. He thinks everyone is deceptive and untrustworthy, such as you are. Your son and I are paying for your insecurities in your own life. He does not have a handle on trust or anger, because of you. I will not stop DH from seeing you or talking to you, as you think I will. You should realize he has a brain, and he is not that easily swayed. However, I guess to you he is a puppet you can manipulate, because you always have. You need to realize, though, I am his wife, and with your constant bad mouthing me and making snide remarks, he will eventually tire of it. If you continue, you will not be welcome in my home. Along with that, if you do not stop, you will not spend time with our children. I will not have my kids around someone who discusses inappropriate things, and more importantly, bad mouths their mother and maternal grandparents. You do not even know my parents, yet you bad mouth them and say they are lying about their finances, which DH never should have told you about in the first place. The religious control will stop, too. I am not Wicca or anything else bizarre like that, as you have suggested. Also, my parents are not sinning or participating in evil with genealogy, as you told DH. You will not have any hand in brainwashing my children with your religiously manipulative techniques. DH and I will decide the appropriate way to raise our children with religion. We will not allow either set of parents or grandparents to discuss religion with our children until they are adults. My children will not be brainwashed with the Illuminati theory. Conspiracy theory is a key element in the foundation for paranoid schizophrenia, and I will not let my children be crippled into thinking the world is evil and everyone is out to get them, as your mother did to you and you did to your sons.

I think I have said all I need to say for now. Before you bad mouth me or tell anyone about how awful I am, think about what I have said. DH is a very angry man, and has realized a lot about you. You probably want to stop further damage by squashing your urge to verbally trash me to DH, FSIL, BIL, BIL, FIL, AIL or anyone else. I realize some of the things you have done are unintentional, but too many things have been intentionally deceptive and dishonest. This is the last time I give you the benefit of the doubt and allow you the opportunity to remain in my life, to any extent.

DIL


:DTold ya'll it is long, but maybe it will help somebody out.

[GreenTreesBlueSky]

Hi wifetobe,

I haven't read the unsent letter yet, but it looks like you really got a lot out!
I will read it soon, but I just wanted to say "Good For You!" for standing up for your feelings and getting them out of your head!
Just watch now for positive results showing up in your life, because it will happen. Ending the isolation makes a big difference, even in anonymous letters like yours.
I look forward to seeing you around here,
GreenTreesBlueSky

[wifetobe]

Thanks! Things are looking better!



WTB

[Moriji]

Wow, what a long letter! Like Green Trees said, I think it was good that you were able to release your angry feelings.

Anyway, I hope you had a wonderful wedding and are able to spend some time away from your husband's family.