Hello - Any Thoughts

[civ]

Hi,

I am not a victim (except a very minor victim and fortunately I was old enough to deal with it).

However, my partner is; but there is more and it isn't coming out.

She is 36. We had been going out for eighteen months. Sexually - there were, I see now, some fairly big signs of CSA eg. kshe couldn't kiss, sex was NEVER intimate. There were also some signs of physical abuse: she would always tell me to hit her when I was angry; and she would be paranoic about bruises that we would get just playing around.

But overwhelming is CI. We were doing fine - really well after eighteen months. Then she went back to see her parents, and she just turned on me. She started having no time for me; and then actually hated me. We've broken up now two years on from her turning point, but since then I've read enough to see that this is not a simple break-up; and am keen to help her out and maybe get back together if she can deal with things.

The real question I have - and I have posted everywhere...is this.

For a series of reasons, I think she feels she betrayed me sexually in the past two years. She did it once before, and the pattern is identical. And I think, I think, that aged thirty four, thirty five and thirty six, she has probably done something with her father. Her whole manner speaks guilt, and bonds of shame.

The normal literature on CSA basically doesn't talk about continuation into adulthood - it seems to be very very one way: powerful parent, weak victim.

But the CI pattern continues into adulthood - the child feeling responsible well into their life, and feeling compelled to satisfy the needs of a father. I am wondering if CI can some degree of sexual aspect. Gut feeling: I think they french kiss. I think that because I think he wouldn't dare anything more; and because she could never french kiss me. I think she feels horribly dirty and just cannot get out of the hole she feels she is in. It must be impossible to try to tell me.

Does anyone know of anything similar?

[Moriji]

I think if I hadn't rebelled and separated from my parents, I would still be in a covertly incestuous relationship with my mother. In books that I've read, the relationship can continue all the way into adulthood. If the bonds are very strong, the "child" may feel guilty about separating. I know when I was in college, I had a difficult time asserting my indepedence. I felt like I "had to" do what my mother wanted me to do.

By the way, how did you find out about the abuse? Did you ever discuss it with her? Or did you just notice an usually close relationship between her and her father?

[civ]

A couple of things...

1. She went crazy when she was with her parents and started ignoring me at that point and pandering to their needs.

2. She couldn't french kiss.

3. She'd made a right pig's ear of her life until then.

We talked. She of course denied for two years. And then...then she read Courage to Heal.

And then...she agreed. She doesn't remember, but she knows it's right.

[Moriji]

civ said:

A couple of things...

1. She went crazy when she was with her parents and started ignoring me at that point and pandering to their needs.

2. She couldn't french kiss.

3. She'd made a right pig's ear of her life until then.

We talked. She of course denied for two years. And then...then she read Courage to Heal.

And then...she agreed. She doesn't remember, but she knows it's right.

I am interested in hearing more about #1. Describe crazy in detail. To which parent was she pandering to? Both?

[civ]

OK. Crazy means being ultra-aggressive towards me, and just virtually licking the floor to please them. It wasn't really possible to distinguish who it was go at the time, but in retrospect, it was her father.

She also went OCD and insisted on over-cleaning everything. It was hell. Really. It was just awful living with someone who treats you like that.

Still..

[Moriji]

Are you hoping by any chance that she will come to terms with her past and that you'll be able to patch things up with her? That's the impression I'm getting.

Sadly, many abuse survivors choose to ignore their problems and go on with their dysfunctional lives. I wish the best for both of you, but unless she takes the initiative to change, there really is nothing you can do about it.

[victimswife7]

I think Morji is right. It won't change. I have been dealing with dh and his ma for 4 years. Bad part is I knew about this unusually close relationship with his mother before we married. I thought it would change once we got married. Boy was I wrong.

Longstory short. DH has to have his ma on every outing and every vacation we go on. They pal around together and his ma acts like she is the mother of my child. She orders me around telling me what to do, kind of like I am the servant. She even gave dd her first hair cut without me. When I asked about dd reaction mil said "that is just between us girls." I got upset and dh of course took his mommy's side.

When i had my dd it was mainly about dh becomming daddy and MIL becoming granny. MIL was in the delivery room with us. Any woman who has had a baby can tell you that it is no walk in the park. After I delivered her i had suffered a 4 degree tear and the doc were stitching me up. MIL started crying and dh when over to comfort her. MIL started crying and dh went to comfort her. I had physical pain of my own but no one seemed to care. I asked dh if his ma was alright and then I saw the look on my OB/GYN face like we were all insane. That is one thing that etched in my memory was that look on teh docs face when dh was comforting his ma and me asking if his ma was alrgiht. I had suffered a 4 th degree tear and was going into kidney failure along with the pain of having a baby and we were worried if his ma was alright?

The nurses gave the baby to dh and dh took he baby to his ma. and they oooh and ahh. I was wanting to see the baby. I could not see her for at least 2 hours then MIL came back telling me what the baby looked like.

Sorry to hijack your post but this is what it is like dealing with this kind of behavior from a spouse.