Post by wifetobe on Dec 31, 2003 12:08:53 GMT -8
Okay, I am back, again. I have a question for everyone. I have read alot about seperating from the abusive parent. I want to be supportive for my fiancee's hard times that are coming. BUT, here is where the question comes in. My fiancee is creating this wonderful bond with his dad, now. Which may be superficial, in my opinion, because they never talked or got along before, but since the announcement of our marriage, he has been more social with my fiancee. They have lunch once a week, if possible. That is great, but now I feel like he is building up his dad too much. He keeps secrets from his dad, still. He says none of this is his dad's fault. His dad knows nothing, etc. Also, there is the problem of his brothers. He wants to see them and spend time with them. I would liked to, also, but not out there. His brothers will not come to us. One brother has a girlfriend, and they are always together, which is good. The other brother is afraid to leave his mom. It is a long disturbing story. She has done this with all three boys, but the worst with my fiancee. Anyway, how do we, especially fiancee, separate from mom without feeling guilty about separating from the others? Now dad is the problem, to an extent. He is so happy they talk now, he forgets alot. His dad was pretty abusive, mentally and physically, as a kid. However, fiancee always says he deserved it. No kid deserves that.
Also, I have tried to get them on our turf. I know that sounds crappy, but I havea lot of anger towards them, so I can't even imagine how survivors feel. How enraging. Anyway, I invited them over for Christmas Eve, and his mom said they would come. So, I bought almost 400 dollars worth of stuff to have a nice dinner party. Then, the day before, she canceled. She had told my finacee a week before, but not me. Then, fiancee invited his brothers over, and told them they could come without her. Well, one bro was already going to his girlfriend's house. The other brother said "Mom has planned something special for dinner, and I don't want to leave mom and dad on Christmas Eve." He is 21 years old. Fiancee got pissed, b/c he said they have never done anything on Christmas Eve. She only planned this after I told her I wanted to start a Christmas Eve tradition of cooking a nice dinner for family and friends. Oh well, I will stop my rant. Sorry.
So, how do we separate without guilt about brothers and father? I say they can come to visit us, sometime. They have never come here. Never been in our house. My fiancee was in the hospital, and they did not come for a whole 24 hours. He had emergency surgery, and his mom would not come, b/c she has developed a driving phobia. That is why he has to go there.
UGHHHHHH!!!! I should have put this under venting. I don't want to overstep my bounds, b/c I am not a survivor, but am a partner of one.
WTB
Also, I have tried to get them on our turf. I know that sounds crappy, but I havea lot of anger towards them, so I can't even imagine how survivors feel. How enraging. Anyway, I invited them over for Christmas Eve, and his mom said they would come. So, I bought almost 400 dollars worth of stuff to have a nice dinner party. Then, the day before, she canceled. She had told my finacee a week before, but not me. Then, fiancee invited his brothers over, and told them they could come without her. Well, one bro was already going to his girlfriend's house. The other brother said "Mom has planned something special for dinner, and I don't want to leave mom and dad on Christmas Eve." He is 21 years old. Fiancee got pissed, b/c he said they have never done anything on Christmas Eve. She only planned this after I told her I wanted to start a Christmas Eve tradition of cooking a nice dinner for family and friends. Oh well, I will stop my rant. Sorry.
So, how do we separate without guilt about brothers and father? I say they can come to visit us, sometime. They have never come here. Never been in our house. My fiancee was in the hospital, and they did not come for a whole 24 hours. He had emergency surgery, and his mom would not come, b/c she has developed a driving phobia. That is why he has to go there.
UGHHHHHH!!!! I should have put this under venting. I don't want to overstep my bounds, b/c I am not a survivor, but am a partner of one.
WTB