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Post by GreenTreesBlueSky on Dec 21, 2003 17:38:44 GMT -8
Hi,
I'm new to the group, and want say hi to everyone. I've been in and out of therapy for the past 20 years, in and out of Alcoholics Anon, Sex Addicts Anon, reach a point of feeling I've reached mastery in life, but keep coming back to feeling I haven't resolved it all after all. My mother chose me for her confidante and surrogate, and I enjoyed the special place I had in her life. She died 21 years ago, four days after Christmas, and that started my plummet into recovery, grieving and general dysfunctional behaviors. This year I felt I would finally put to rest the estrangement between me and various family members, but then came to the conclusion I should apologize for having cut them off. Today, however, I had the thought that, not once did my sister even ask why all of this difficulty in my life. She seems to have concluded it is the result of my lack of character or will power. I didn't intend to let it all loose in this first post, so I'll close for now, and post in the autobiography section later. I feel almost overwhelmed with sadness, but have enough psychological skills now to maintain better than in the past, and look forward to participating in this group. Thank you all for being here
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Post by wildlavender on Dec 23, 2003 3:07:10 GMT -8
Hi there Green Trees Bkue Sky, I am glad to welcome you into our group! I am looking forward to hearing your story. I have found that recovery goes on for the rest of our lives, but at different levels and different intensities. I know how you feel; just when you think you are done, something else pops up that you must deal with. And in my case, I never seem to see it coming. But the great news is that you have been so active in your recovery and have found this group which I highly recommend. I can write without fear of judgement or harassment.
My take on the family thing concerning your sister is that there is a high probablity that she won't understand when you try to explain about your recovery unless she , herself, has gone through some therapy also. There is not much we can do to change family perceptions. I have tried that myself, but have always gotten blamed in the end. I guess because they do not want to change their preconceived ideas about mom and dad or even permit themselves to think (what they feel) is the unimaginable. I really don't know your situation that well, so I may be way off base here. But for me I was always seen as the blacksheep or the crazy one. I have talked to a sister after 14 yrs, and sad to say, things were basically the same . I tried to answer her questions, but it alll must have been too painful or something. All I know is I could not get a hold of her by phone or internet ever again. She cut be off again. And to think she was the one who called me!
Also, I want to mention, that we survivors who went through trauma and disfunctional families tend to want to be the first ones to apologize for everything even when it is not necessary. We were groomed to take the blame. What do you feel you did wrong? Share your feelings? Took nessasary absence from those who hurt you ? In my opinion, one needs to seperate from family -(at least for awhile) to go into therapy and have a chance to heal.
You've done a lot of work. You have come a long way and see your self much differently than your sister probably does. Usually, the family still will see you in the same old family role you had to play before just to survive. Be careful!! Buttons can be pushed and chains can be yanked. And they think they have the right to this and not respect your boundaries. They may do this unconciously or not, but it still hurts. The child in you can suffer all over again. You, the adult, need to be very protective of the younger you that was abused.
You may want love and understading like we all do, I know, but maybe they have not made the progress you have made, am I correct? There are those of us humans that become humble and want to stop pretending and take responsibility for our healing ; seek therapy and groups, but there are those humans that are grandiose and believe that they are just fine and have no reason to change , heal, or make amends. They feel it is somebody else who has the problems. They are not the "real" people you can relate to. It would be so nice if we could all be together with our famililes in a healthy fashion but I think that can only happen in make-believe. I realize that the truth can be painful, especially during the holidays. I have tried many times to reach out to my family but only came away hurt and rejected. I love myself more than that to put myself in their power and control and go through that again. Even if it is only a Christmas card, something always comes back in some smart-aleck quip or veiled insult. And when confronted about it , they deny everything.
I am just being truthful from my position. Feel free to write to me about what you think. I just want you to examine your intentions and what you truly expect to happen. Take care of yourself. Share with one of your support groups. I didthat once, and they told me that it did not sound like a good idea to contact someone who abused me in the past. I went right past their advise and got bit. I learned to listen more seriously from then on and stopped the magical thinking. Just because I had gotten in touch w/my feelings, etc., did not mean he had. Supportive friends can see things from an objective viewpoint.
Most of all, Green trees Blue skies, follow your heart, listen to your gut, w/a bit of reason thrown in. You sound like a fellow who loves life and wants to share some love and happiness. But be careful who you try and do this with. One can be most vulnerable around family members. Looking forward to hearing from you. I hope I did not scare you off. Once I get to writing, sometimes I get long - winded! Wishing you peace and blessings, wildlavender
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Post by Moriji on Dec 24, 2003 19:50:24 GMT -8
Wildlavender, what an incredible post. Wow! GreenTrees, whenever you're ready to write more about your experiences, we'll be here for you.
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