Post by jscience on Apr 5, 2021 13:34:06 GMT -8
Hello, I'm Jason, a 43 year old, married with two daughters (4 and 7).
I recently tried to initiate an affair with an ex girlfriend after ten years of marriage. This is the same ex girlfriend that I had an emotional affair with whilst engaged to my now wife, and I seem to obsess over the need for female attention, especially from a fantasy female. My wife is devastated. I have moved to a different continent from my parents and have not seen them in ten years. My wife noticed early on that any kind of interaction with my parents seems to trigger self destructive, self sabotaging and narcissistic behaviors in me, and has asked me to cut them out of my life many times. I do so for a while, but always end up getting in contact again, always initiated from their side, and I let them because I feel guilty cutting them out like that. This invariably triggers the above-mentioned behaviors over a period of a few days. Ive been to various therapists over the years trying to find out whats wrong with me that I seem to sabotage any good things in my life (work, family, holidays) and cross relationship boundaries so easily (I was a serial monogamist for 15 years before meeting my wife). I was eventually diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression and ADHD, and medications for these seemed to help prevent some of my behaviors. It has taken a very long time to admit that it is simply my parents, in particular my mother contacting me that acts as a trigger, and I still don't know how this happens, despite me being aware of it and being on my guard when it happens. We had both just interviewed for our dream jobs in our dream city, and I went and initiated an affair. I went out and got very drunk one night and forwarded this whole email thread to my wife, who as you can imagine, is devastated to find out that what she thought was a marriage that we could continuously work on, was something I had given up on in a matter of days. My kids are devastated too, as I was their hero, and now I seem to have recreated the same pattern as my own childhood. She thinks I am psychotically abusing her by sending her this email thread that denigrates her and raises the other woman to fantasy levels, and I'm not sure I disagree.
The covert incest I experienced as a child went like this. From when I was around ten years old, my father started having an affair with a family friend. My mother started turning to me for emotional support during this time and would often have me sleep in the same bed as her at night to hold and comfort her. My father came back to my mother after a year or so, but then started a repeated pattern of leaving my mother for the other woman, then leaving the other woman for my mother (probably happened around 6-7 times). Each time he left, my mother would turn to me for the emotional support and I would have to take care of her. This started to become very uncomfortable in my teenage years,and my mother started treating me as a romantic partner at around that time, complimenting me on my looks, going out for dinners with just her and I, and I would always be the one to fill her drink at social gatherings. By the time I was 16 I was big enough to be able to punch my father in the face the last time he told us he was leaving for the other woman again, and did so, but have felt bad about it ever since. Most of what I remember from my childhood is coming home to find my mother crying in a heap somewhere and me having to comfort her. My father and mother eventually reconciled and are still together today, and I idolized this as an amazing love story. In retrospect, I think I developed anxiety and trust issues through never knowing when my father was going to leave again. I also developed an obsession with woman who have dumped me in the past - I always try really hard to win them back instead of trying to move on, and let it keep me miserable for years, rather than a few months, despite knowing that the relationship had ended for a reason (case in point was the ex from 10 years ago, who herself is now happily married and told me she didn't want anything to do with this). I don't know if my childhood experience is connected to my hurtful behaviors described above, it could be that I'm just a bad person making selfish choices. My wife definitely thinks they are connected, but I'm not sure if she is just trying to find a rational reason for her pain. For me, if they are connected, it does not happen consciously, so it is hard for me to pin down. I would appreciate any insight from anyone with similar experiences.
Thank you