Post by eric1959 on Oct 3, 2020 16:12:29 GMT -8
There are two things that make me very uncomfortable, being judged and pointing out mistakes I've made. I want, no I have to be the REAL me but I don't know who I am except an extension of my mom. I never worry about god's judgment, he can't hurt me, I already live in hell.
The one thing I do know is that I have very serious emotional pain, and I like to stay busy because busy distracts me from feeling that pain. I haven't grown up emotionally, I was too busy taking care of my caretaker who should have been taking care of me. If emotionally I was a bike rim, it would be damaged at the hub
As a teenager I often cried myself to sleep, many evenings I would end up at St. Genevieve kneeling at the vestibule door crying uncontrollably and begging god to take my life. Something was obviously wrong, I didn't know what until I was 45 or 50 years old.
If it were not for drugs I would have been dead at 15. What you must understand is that drugs are like an old friend, they never judged me they were always there for me when no one else was, and no one ever was because I kept all my pain inside, trust is difficult for me. What I'm doing right now is difficult for me because I don't like being in the spot light and I'm not used to standing up for myself.
I've never had an intimate relationship with anyone and it wasn't because I was unattractive, or because I couldn't find someone, I was beating people back. Nick loved me more than anything, had he treated me like crap I would have never left him. We gravitate to what were familiar with. I knew that I had a fear of commitment, and I had a deep seated belief that I wasn't worthy of love.
I used to say that when my mom dies I'll finely be free. It was a terrible thought but I found out how difficult it was for me to focus on my mother, but without mother we wouldn't have the word smother would we.
It is never fair for a mother to make her child a pawn to supply her emotional needs, because she isn't happy with her marriage. It is never fair for a father to allow this to happen to his child, without doing something to protect that child. This is what was happening to me for years because I was taking algebra in junior high when my parents actually separated. For years I was the mini husband of my mothers with my dad still in the house, yes I know what enmeshment is.
It's very important to understand the earlier the covert incest, the earlier the enmeshment, the earlier the role of surrogate partner the more deeply rooted the template becomes. My mom was smothering me and my dad resented me. I grew up walking on eggshells.
My dad wasn't emotionally available so my mom used me for emotional support. I gave and gave and gave never thinking about my needs, I hate my mom for what she did to me. I attract or I'm attracted to narcissists like my mother, people who will use me just like my mom did, again we attract to that what we are familiar with, do I need to be loved or do I love to be needed.
My idea of a successful person is much different than most, I started out with nothing and still have most of that left, I am very successful because I'm still alive, god watches over me. When I had the 10 plus years sobriety I again was just keeping busy and when I was having difficulty keeping busy my distraction was gone and those feelings overwhelmed me and I decided to kill myself. The day that I picked I received a call from my dad, very unusual my dad never called much, he told me he loved me and it was real. I waited my whole life to hear my dad say that and that day out of all the days of my life was the best day for him to say that. God had a hand in that, I started using drugs that day instead of suicide, my dad died the next day.
I sat contemplating as to why I get ripped off so often when I realized our lottery was going to start at my apt complex, my number got called when most of the prizes were gone. The manager told me there was a nice doormat left, I smiled who says god doesn't have a sense of humor. I'm a doormat, again that's what I'm familiar with. Use me use me use me
I thought back to when I was 4-5 years old, I wouldn't allow my mom or any woman to hug or kiss me. That was not some passing phase, and was not normal, it amazes me that a child as young as that knew that his caretaker was sucking the life out of him.
Why do I write this, because I need to challenge myself and the #1 challenge is to do things that feel uncomfortable. If you were allowed to grow up this probably wouldn't be a challenge but this is very uncomfortable for me, I'm very ambivelant at putting this out there, I could never do this if my mom were alive but I'll find every excuse not to do it. My life has been destroyed, I live the life not worth living
I also posted this because I need to tell my story, for years I've had to deal with guilt and shame alone, and I did nothing wrong, and hopefully I might help someone who has been a victim of emotional incest while they are still young
I love the therapist who took a mother into the bathroom to have tea, yes that is very unacceptable, but that was her point because emotional incest is unacceptable. If you know anyone doing this to their child, stop them immediately.
I remember when Robin Williams softly said to Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting, it's not your fault and he kept repeating that line, I cried for about an hour, I actually posted this on Facebook recently, my siblings might not understand I haven't heard from any of them, they may be upset thinking I'm dragging my dead mothers name into the dirt, they don't realize I've been rather nice because my mother was toxic to me period.