Post by luluofthevalley on Sept 7, 2020 9:12:06 GMT -8
Before I get into my story I'll tell you a little bit about me. I love God, tea, nature, natural skincare products, and ballet. My dream is to live a simple, traditional life out in the country.
This is hard for me to write but I'll do my best.
When I was 5 years old I wandered into the living room and froze at what I saw on the T.V. It was a pornographic film. My big brother, who was around 11 at the time was watching. He took one second to turn his head towards me and listlessly motion for me to go away, and then seamlessly turned his head back towards the T.V. He made no real effort to make sure I actually did go away or shield my eyes from the T.V. I was confused, scared, frozen, and broken. I never was the same.
A similar thing happened when I was 11. I walked into the bathroom and there on the bathroom floor was a magazine of naked women open. I froze again. That same year I wandered into the T.V. room and my brother was watching another adult film. Again, no attempt to turn the channel or shield it from me.
There were countless other times throughout my childhood when I would be on his laptop and I would see pornographic images pop up, or wander into the T.V. room and see sexual images because he or my other brother would be watching.
I also remember my brother introducing me to a Hollywood movie that had many graphic sex scenes in it. I don't remember how old I was, but I know I was no adult. Maybe 'introduce' is the wrong term. His explanation could very well have been prompted by my having wandered into the room and asked him what he was watching but I can't really say for sure as I don't remember that part. What I do remember, vividly, was that during a sex scene, my brother casually and intellectually explained to me the personality of the main character. As if what was happening on screen at the time was as casual as going to the bank.
Anywho I didn't know these memories were significant or traumatic until my therapist pointed it out to me. I didn't know that showing a child sexual images could be seen as abuse. Because my brothers never touched me, and never intended for me to see the images (except possibly for the last instance) I never thought of myself as having been abused as a child. But the PTSD symptoms that I have been battling since the age of 5 always told a different story.
I'm kind of lost and confused because I don't see nor hear a lot of stories about victims of sexual abuse being abused by being shown pornographic images. Can anyone relate to this?
Also, do you think this is a form of incest even though my brothers never touched me or gave me any type of sexual attention?
Thanks,
Lulu
This is hard for me to write but I'll do my best.
When I was 5 years old I wandered into the living room and froze at what I saw on the T.V. It was a pornographic film. My big brother, who was around 11 at the time was watching. He took one second to turn his head towards me and listlessly motion for me to go away, and then seamlessly turned his head back towards the T.V. He made no real effort to make sure I actually did go away or shield my eyes from the T.V. I was confused, scared, frozen, and broken. I never was the same.
A similar thing happened when I was 11. I walked into the bathroom and there on the bathroom floor was a magazine of naked women open. I froze again. That same year I wandered into the T.V. room and my brother was watching another adult film. Again, no attempt to turn the channel or shield it from me.
There were countless other times throughout my childhood when I would be on his laptop and I would see pornographic images pop up, or wander into the T.V. room and see sexual images because he or my other brother would be watching.
I also remember my brother introducing me to a Hollywood movie that had many graphic sex scenes in it. I don't remember how old I was, but I know I was no adult. Maybe 'introduce' is the wrong term. His explanation could very well have been prompted by my having wandered into the room and asked him what he was watching but I can't really say for sure as I don't remember that part. What I do remember, vividly, was that during a sex scene, my brother casually and intellectually explained to me the personality of the main character. As if what was happening on screen at the time was as casual as going to the bank.
Anywho I didn't know these memories were significant or traumatic until my therapist pointed it out to me. I didn't know that showing a child sexual images could be seen as abuse. Because my brothers never touched me, and never intended for me to see the images (except possibly for the last instance) I never thought of myself as having been abused as a child. But the PTSD symptoms that I have been battling since the age of 5 always told a different story.
I'm kind of lost and confused because I don't see nor hear a lot of stories about victims of sexual abuse being abused by being shown pornographic images. Can anyone relate to this?
Also, do you think this is a form of incest even though my brothers never touched me or gave me any type of sexual attention?
Thanks,
Lulu
