Post by rian005 on Jul 8, 2020 11:30:43 GMT -8
I've been confused about my childhood for a long time. I don't remember much, and what I do remember isn't great. I only have a vague sense of things, including the intense and prolonged experience of feeling 'icky' around my mother. I have issues with my older brother too, but those have a more tangible route.
I often feel unfair that I crave distance from my mum, especially as I know my dad is partly responsible. He's kind of an emotionally stunted guy, not a bad person, but not good at supporting people. My mum's had mental health issues and I know she didn't get help with that.
None of that changes the fact that I don't like for her to touch me at all, and I'm not sure why, other than that it 'feels wrong' and has done for a while. There was a time when I sought physical contact with her and also sought her approval all the time. To this day, though I have moved out, I feel an inexplicable drive to do things for her, such as the gardening or other things which my parents can well afford to get hired help for. Then I get angry and resentful that I'm doing it.
I find it hard to set boundaries, including those that allow me to freely leave whenever I want to, at a family social occasion. I feel guilty for leaving. I often feel trapped, as I frequently experience frustration and difficulty around my family, but also hate to feel left out, so I 'willingly' go into these situations even when they aren't a good space for me.
The strangest thing is that I can't really remember what has happened to cause this. I know I used to think that if I could just do the right things, like learn an instrument and join the school orchestra, things I didn't want to do, then I could make her happy and maybe she'd be proud. I remember how performance-based affection felt. This extended to me sitting through her bad-mouthing my father all the time. I thought at one point they were going to get a divorce. I think I was in my pre-teens or early teens at the time, and it was obvious she didn't have anyone to talk to.
Since I have some overt sexual abuse to me name, I often wonder if the overt and covert aspects have 'cross-pollinated', especially since my older brother was The Golden Boy in my mother's eye, yet he did inappropriate things with me. (She doesn't know, of course.)
It's all complicated by the fact that everything's different now. She still seems clingy to me, but she's not as mentally fragile as she was. I don't have to tiptoe, or worry that if any of my problems come out, she won't be able to handle it. Although I do still hide things from her. Old habits die hard, I suppose.
Sometimes I can't help but think it must be all in my head. After all, she had three children, and at least one of them turned out OK. Myself and the aforementioned older brother, maybe not so much. We both appear to have intimacy issues at the very least, and in my case, broader and further-reaching sexual issues. My family isn't good at talking, but I do know our mother used to put upon him as well. I often feel competitively angry with him for being the better son.
For example, he joined her choir. I've been fighting for most of my adult life for the freedom not be part of things my mother likes, just because she likes them, very much including choirs. And he walks right into it, as if it's nothing - as if it's what he really wants to do - and I find that unfathomable.
People don't talk about covert incest much. I struggle to watch TV or films when I detect a hint of covert. I find it easier to watch something depicting or exploring overt incest, because at least it's honestly spoken aloud. I've been thinking that if I was to hear acknowledgement of some sort of inappropriate thought, which chime with the occasional stab of unpleasant memories I get of various covert violations throughout my child and adolescence, I'd feel relieved. It would be validating.
I often feel unfair that I crave distance from my mum, especially as I know my dad is partly responsible. He's kind of an emotionally stunted guy, not a bad person, but not good at supporting people. My mum's had mental health issues and I know she didn't get help with that.
None of that changes the fact that I don't like for her to touch me at all, and I'm not sure why, other than that it 'feels wrong' and has done for a while. There was a time when I sought physical contact with her and also sought her approval all the time. To this day, though I have moved out, I feel an inexplicable drive to do things for her, such as the gardening or other things which my parents can well afford to get hired help for. Then I get angry and resentful that I'm doing it.
I find it hard to set boundaries, including those that allow me to freely leave whenever I want to, at a family social occasion. I feel guilty for leaving. I often feel trapped, as I frequently experience frustration and difficulty around my family, but also hate to feel left out, so I 'willingly' go into these situations even when they aren't a good space for me.
The strangest thing is that I can't really remember what has happened to cause this. I know I used to think that if I could just do the right things, like learn an instrument and join the school orchestra, things I didn't want to do, then I could make her happy and maybe she'd be proud. I remember how performance-based affection felt. This extended to me sitting through her bad-mouthing my father all the time. I thought at one point they were going to get a divorce. I think I was in my pre-teens or early teens at the time, and it was obvious she didn't have anyone to talk to.
Since I have some overt sexual abuse to me name, I often wonder if the overt and covert aspects have 'cross-pollinated', especially since my older brother was The Golden Boy in my mother's eye, yet he did inappropriate things with me. (She doesn't know, of course.)
It's all complicated by the fact that everything's different now. She still seems clingy to me, but she's not as mentally fragile as she was. I don't have to tiptoe, or worry that if any of my problems come out, she won't be able to handle it. Although I do still hide things from her. Old habits die hard, I suppose.
Sometimes I can't help but think it must be all in my head. After all, she had three children, and at least one of them turned out OK. Myself and the aforementioned older brother, maybe not so much. We both appear to have intimacy issues at the very least, and in my case, broader and further-reaching sexual issues. My family isn't good at talking, but I do know our mother used to put upon him as well. I often feel competitively angry with him for being the better son.
For example, he joined her choir. I've been fighting for most of my adult life for the freedom not be part of things my mother likes, just because she likes them, very much including choirs. And he walks right into it, as if it's nothing - as if it's what he really wants to do - and I find that unfathomable.
People don't talk about covert incest much. I struggle to watch TV or films when I detect a hint of covert. I find it easier to watch something depicting or exploring overt incest, because at least it's honestly spoken aloud. I've been thinking that if I was to hear acknowledgement of some sort of inappropriate thought, which chime with the occasional stab of unpleasant memories I get of various covert violations throughout my child and adolescence, I'd feel relieved. It would be validating.