Post by gonegirl on Apr 23, 2020 12:22:12 GMT -8
Hello everyone,
I am 18 and discovered I was a victim of Covert Incest in October of 2019, two sessions in with my new therapist she noticed the way I talk about my dad was, different. She made me describe how he makes me feel and the only word I could come up with was "icky". For the sake of this post, Ill refer to him as "J" instead of "my dad/father", because after realizing what happened to me, I refuse to acknowledge him as such.
My parents split when I was in 2nd grade. J is a textbook narcissist. Always emotionally abusing my mother, gaslighting her, constantly yelling at me and my older brother.
When they split, he moved into an apartment and thats when things started to happen. My clear first memory of this "icky" feeling was a memory of us having a conversation (probably retelling my day at school or what ever a 7 year old talks about). Then I remember him saying he has to use the bathroom and encouraging me to follow him (for the sake of the conversation remaining uninterrupted, or at least thats what he said), and proceeded to urinate in the bathroom with the door open, leaving me to see his exposed penis and from my foggy memory made a mocking comment along the lines of "are oyu looking at my penis?" while laughing.
From then on memories are a bit foggy. But I do clearly remember frequently having my butt tapped despite me constantly vocalizing it made me uncomfortable. (even up until I was 16 and he grabbed my butt very hard during a photo we were taking and when I got upset he said he was just "trying to make me laugh" and essentially convinced myself I was the weird one for being uncomfortable by it).
I have memories of him being resistant to leaving the room while I was changing when I was a younger kid/early pre teen (probably age 10/11-ish) with the excuse always "I'm your dad, I'm not a peeping-Tom" to which I always insisted he leave so I could change in peace and privacy.
He would give my brother and i massaged as night, only ever our backs, and I would always want to keep my shirt on and he would always say "it will feel better without a shirt" and I would always stand my ground and insist to have a shirt on. (similarily, telling me it is okay to topless sunbathe at approx age 10).
When I developed breasts, he openly asked me if my boobs grew in front of many family members.
In my later teen years (14, 15, 16, 17, 18) he would make comments, complimenting me saying "that top looks sexy" or saying he noticed I have a "really cute/good/nice butt".
It became mostly verbal and emotional at that point, constantly using me as a therapist for his troubles with dating, oversharing about the dynamics in the relationships and some times including oversharing about sexual dynamics in his romantic relationships. He would over inquire about my high school relationships, semi-frequently having conversations about sex, one time asking me if I had ever had sex in his house (age 15), always insisting he was just making sure I was making self-respecting decisions.
At 18, he said there were "sexual undertones in your childhood, but I never molested you" (second time he blatantly told me he did not molest me, first time being when I was 13/14 after saying to me "why are you always so visceral to affection? thats the type of response people who were sexually abused/assaulted have and god knows I never did that to you").
This week, I told him i would be coming over to move my things out of his house and he informed me he already packed up my entire room for me (without my permission).
Now, at 18, I have an amazing and supportive boyfriend who I want to be totally comfortable being sexually intimate with, and find myself struggling to enjoy sex. I constantly battle anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and nightmares.
I want to be able to have a healthy and enjoyable sexual relationship, and I am really struggling to do so.
I am 18 and discovered I was a victim of Covert Incest in October of 2019, two sessions in with my new therapist she noticed the way I talk about my dad was, different. She made me describe how he makes me feel and the only word I could come up with was "icky". For the sake of this post, Ill refer to him as "J" instead of "my dad/father", because after realizing what happened to me, I refuse to acknowledge him as such.
My parents split when I was in 2nd grade. J is a textbook narcissist. Always emotionally abusing my mother, gaslighting her, constantly yelling at me and my older brother.
When they split, he moved into an apartment and thats when things started to happen. My clear first memory of this "icky" feeling was a memory of us having a conversation (probably retelling my day at school or what ever a 7 year old talks about). Then I remember him saying he has to use the bathroom and encouraging me to follow him (for the sake of the conversation remaining uninterrupted, or at least thats what he said), and proceeded to urinate in the bathroom with the door open, leaving me to see his exposed penis and from my foggy memory made a mocking comment along the lines of "are oyu looking at my penis?" while laughing.
From then on memories are a bit foggy. But I do clearly remember frequently having my butt tapped despite me constantly vocalizing it made me uncomfortable. (even up until I was 16 and he grabbed my butt very hard during a photo we were taking and when I got upset he said he was just "trying to make me laugh" and essentially convinced myself I was the weird one for being uncomfortable by it).
I have memories of him being resistant to leaving the room while I was changing when I was a younger kid/early pre teen (probably age 10/11-ish) with the excuse always "I'm your dad, I'm not a peeping-Tom" to which I always insisted he leave so I could change in peace and privacy.
He would give my brother and i massaged as night, only ever our backs, and I would always want to keep my shirt on and he would always say "it will feel better without a shirt" and I would always stand my ground and insist to have a shirt on. (similarily, telling me it is okay to topless sunbathe at approx age 10).
When I developed breasts, he openly asked me if my boobs grew in front of many family members.
In my later teen years (14, 15, 16, 17, 18) he would make comments, complimenting me saying "that top looks sexy" or saying he noticed I have a "really cute/good/nice butt".
It became mostly verbal and emotional at that point, constantly using me as a therapist for his troubles with dating, oversharing about the dynamics in the relationships and some times including oversharing about sexual dynamics in his romantic relationships. He would over inquire about my high school relationships, semi-frequently having conversations about sex, one time asking me if I had ever had sex in his house (age 15), always insisting he was just making sure I was making self-respecting decisions.
At 18, he said there were "sexual undertones in your childhood, but I never molested you" (second time he blatantly told me he did not molest me, first time being when I was 13/14 after saying to me "why are you always so visceral to affection? thats the type of response people who were sexually abused/assaulted have and god knows I never did that to you").
This week, I told him i would be coming over to move my things out of his house and he informed me he already packed up my entire room for me (without my permission).
Now, at 18, I have an amazing and supportive boyfriend who I want to be totally comfortable being sexually intimate with, and find myself struggling to enjoy sex. I constantly battle anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and nightmares.
I want to be able to have a healthy and enjoyable sexual relationship, and I am really struggling to do so.