Post by mattk on Jan 16, 2019 9:50:59 GMT -8
Thanks for setting this up, many of your stories resonated with me quite profoundly.
My story fits some elements of covert incest. It involves my mother. I don't have much memory of anything overtly sexual, though she did dress provocatively at home. I also wonder about what may have happened to my brother who always had deep anger issues and still has. He left home very young, around 14. I was around 8 at the time and that is when my memories kick in of my mom being very emotionally dependent and telling me things that, in hindsight, I had no business being privy to. She talked about my fathers infidelities, for example, and was very committed to turning me and my brother against him - saying he had abandoned us, etc. There are plenty of other examples of things that she would discuss with me that were really not age appropriate, perhaps not appropriate at all between mother and son. But once my brother left I became her emotional support and we would have long 'talks' - actually it was really her doing most of the talking - well into the night. I remember feeling very mature, special, and I'd assume a persona of a wise arbiter of all sorts of disputes, fears, arguments. But in reality I was a child of 8,9, or 10, in no way equipped to manage or understand the very adult situations that I was meant to help her work through. Did so and so love her or just want her for sex? Should she marry this guy or not? One thing I had always thought is that it made me fairly good at listening or interacting with some adults, particularly women, at certain ages. (This changed as I entered teenage years, when my own anger came out - drugs, booze, older crowd, low level criminality). In many of your stories I've read, I've noticed a bit of a pattern of other potentially abusive figures entering your life. This brought back memories of a relationship I formed when I was maybe 10 or 11 with a woman in her mid-20s. Again, looking back, this was a pretty strange relationship. Very physical, always sitting on her lap, lots of affection and physical closeness. I'm not sure if I have invented it but I have some memories of her taking me to her room and me touching her breasts. But for the most part she was very nice and probably pretty positive in my life - she would take me places and treat me to things, was motherly in a way that my own wasn't. But there was something off about it. I do remember another, older matriarchal figure in my life got worried and put a stop to it. She was an amazing women and looked out for me a lot. Anyway, will write more at some stage as I get my thoughts a bit clearer in my head, but I wonder how the way my mother treated me affected those other relationships - and not just in me seeking them out, though that too - but also in attracting (?) them.
Will leave it there but to say I'm doing ok these days. I've had fairly deep bouts of depression throughout my life but have been much better the last few years. I sometimes worry about sustaining romantic relationships, and various addictive behaviours towards sex. I still need to work through alot of that and I guess this board revealed some issues that I'd papered over that seem like they may be part of the puzzle.
Thanks for reading, sorry it's long and jumbled!