Post by blueberry on Aug 15, 2018 6:12:03 GMT -8
Hello everyone.
First of all, I want to say how happy I am this forum exists. For my entire life, I've been thinking I was alone in this. Although I don't wish this upon anyone, it felt 'good' to know situations like this happened more often. As I am still stuck in it, I'd refrain from details.
Anyhow, let's just write it down real quick. Even if no one replies, it'll feel good to write it down. Say it. For the first time in my life.
My parents divorced when I was still fairly young. It's the usual story where the mom gets the custody of the children. Despite having several old siblings, I quickly fell into the pattern of playing the surrogate parent. Not only would I look after them, I'd also look after my own mother. I had no time to mourn or deal with my problems, because she was also grieving and I had to take care of her. I was older than 18 when I actually realize my whole life, my entire existence, is about her. She never saw me as her daughter. More as an extension of herself. I had to like whatever she liked and do things the way she wanted them to be. She'd also cut me off of any relationships with people outside of our nuclear family. Not only my friends would be criticized and looked down upon, but also my other family members. She'd get extremely angry whenever I brought them up. She'd make clear that the only thing I needed in my life was her. That I was spoiled whenever I didn't do things her way. Even if it was something as small as having a different way of sorting out clothes, or not liking the music she liked.
She would force me to stop doing things I like and even forced me multiple times to cut ties with people who I held very dear.
Aside from all of this, she was very emotionally abusive. She'd get angry over every small thing. Yell at me, break my stuff, or the worst: ignore me for days. Sometimes it wasn't even my fault. She'd get angry at me for something my siblings did, or because the food of our dog smelled badly, which I was to blame for somehow. She'd bestow responsibilities upon me, I couldn't handle for my young age and scold me if I wasn't able to complete the task.
I was only an adult when I realized I feared her more than anything. How I was constantly stressed. How I constantly wanted to know what she was up to, scared she'd be doing something that could make her angry at me. I thought she'd be able to read my mind. I never spoke bad about her out loud. And the rare times I did, I would whisper, scared that she'd hear it, even if she was in a completely different place.
Because of this, I never dared to tell her that some of her actions made me feel really uncomfortable. Shortly after the divorce, I once told her I didn't like how much she kissed and caressed me. It made me feel gross. After that, she got that angry, I decided I'd never ever talk back to her again.
I slept with her in the same bed till my late teens. As a kid, I thought it was fun and all, but when I grew older, I didn't want to sleep with her anymore. But she kept on asking me to sleep with her. Even now I'm an adult, she mentions every now and then she misses to have 'my warm body' next to hers.
My mom also never respected boundaries. She'd look through my stuff if she felt like it. Barge into my room at midnight to yell at me because she was overthinking some things while falling asleep which upset her. She'd ask me intimate stuff I didn't want to share with her. Sometimes, she touches me at places I feel uncomfortable about. Not in a sexual manner, but it's still disturbing to have your mom randomly grope you or squeeze your thigh when you aren't wearing undies.
Whenever I ask her why she does that. She completely ignores the question. Literally. She'll just continue and talk about something else.
When I found out about CI, I was relieved in a way. Everything made so much more sense. It also explains my current behavior, such as not being able to have a relationship with anyone.
I feel broken, and I hope I can move out soon.
Thanks for reading <3
First of all, I want to say how happy I am this forum exists. For my entire life, I've been thinking I was alone in this. Although I don't wish this upon anyone, it felt 'good' to know situations like this happened more often. As I am still stuck in it, I'd refrain from details.
Anyhow, let's just write it down real quick. Even if no one replies, it'll feel good to write it down. Say it. For the first time in my life.
My parents divorced when I was still fairly young. It's the usual story where the mom gets the custody of the children. Despite having several old siblings, I quickly fell into the pattern of playing the surrogate parent. Not only would I look after them, I'd also look after my own mother. I had no time to mourn or deal with my problems, because she was also grieving and I had to take care of her. I was older than 18 when I actually realize my whole life, my entire existence, is about her. She never saw me as her daughter. More as an extension of herself. I had to like whatever she liked and do things the way she wanted them to be. She'd also cut me off of any relationships with people outside of our nuclear family. Not only my friends would be criticized and looked down upon, but also my other family members. She'd get extremely angry whenever I brought them up. She'd make clear that the only thing I needed in my life was her. That I was spoiled whenever I didn't do things her way. Even if it was something as small as having a different way of sorting out clothes, or not liking the music she liked.
She would force me to stop doing things I like and even forced me multiple times to cut ties with people who I held very dear.
Aside from all of this, she was very emotionally abusive. She'd get angry over every small thing. Yell at me, break my stuff, or the worst: ignore me for days. Sometimes it wasn't even my fault. She'd get angry at me for something my siblings did, or because the food of our dog smelled badly, which I was to blame for somehow. She'd bestow responsibilities upon me, I couldn't handle for my young age and scold me if I wasn't able to complete the task.
I was only an adult when I realized I feared her more than anything. How I was constantly stressed. How I constantly wanted to know what she was up to, scared she'd be doing something that could make her angry at me. I thought she'd be able to read my mind. I never spoke bad about her out loud. And the rare times I did, I would whisper, scared that she'd hear it, even if she was in a completely different place.
Because of this, I never dared to tell her that some of her actions made me feel really uncomfortable. Shortly after the divorce, I once told her I didn't like how much she kissed and caressed me. It made me feel gross. After that, she got that angry, I decided I'd never ever talk back to her again.
I slept with her in the same bed till my late teens. As a kid, I thought it was fun and all, but when I grew older, I didn't want to sleep with her anymore. But she kept on asking me to sleep with her. Even now I'm an adult, she mentions every now and then she misses to have 'my warm body' next to hers.
My mom also never respected boundaries. She'd look through my stuff if she felt like it. Barge into my room at midnight to yell at me because she was overthinking some things while falling asleep which upset her. She'd ask me intimate stuff I didn't want to share with her. Sometimes, she touches me at places I feel uncomfortable about. Not in a sexual manner, but it's still disturbing to have your mom randomly grope you or squeeze your thigh when you aren't wearing undies.
Whenever I ask her why she does that. She completely ignores the question. Literally. She'll just continue and talk about something else.
When I found out about CI, I was relieved in a way. Everything made so much more sense. It also explains my current behavior, such as not being able to have a relationship with anyone.
I feel broken, and I hope I can move out soon.
Thanks for reading <3
