Post by Oedipus on Feb 6, 2018 6:45:58 GMT -8
Wow, I can’t believe this username wasn’t already taken.
I’ve known about the term ‘covert incest’ for at least a year, but I guess I’ve downplayed it’s influence on my negative thought- and behavioural patterns until recently, when I found this community. Reading about your experiences made me fully understand the impact that emotional incest has had on me. There’s a tremendous difference between knowing something and truly seeing it, feeling it.
My story is typical. Grew up with a (then) emotionally unstable and anxious mother, who of course turned me into a surrogate spouse from the get go. I have a memory of her crying and telling me that we’re all alone in this world and that nobody likes us or want anything to do with us, I remember consoling her with tears in my eyes. That’s when I learned that keeping other people happy was my responsibility alone, at the tender age of four.
I also have memories of her threatening to send me away to China or Africa. One incident was particularly traumatic: I had done something that my mother didn’t like, she let me know that she’d had enough and told me she’d abandon me and never come back. I remember screaming, wailing and pleading her to stay as she was walking towards the door. I was 4 or 5. I was terrified. She did acknowledge her mistake and apologized, but the damage was already done.
My abuse was mainly emotional, so I can’t say that my mother ever really made me feel that ‘icky’ sensation that is often mentioned here, though there were some lack of boundaries. Thing is, I’m Nordic, so nudity isn’t as big of a deal here as in other cultures. It’s therefore been hard for me to know if having her and (later) my stepfather walking naked around the house was normal or not. Though I don’t see open nudity outside the sauna and leaving the bathroom door open quite necessary nor appropriate.
Speaking of my stepfather, he came into the picture when I was about 5-6. He seemed nice and I was thrilled to finally have a father figure in life, a role that he ultimately didn’t even want to fill, and didn’t. He did provide for us but did not take part in raising me, at least he took my place as my mother’s spouse, so life felt slightly more normal for a while.
Time went on, we had built a house, I got a baby sister and my mom and stepdad married. When I entered my teens, things started to go downhill. My stepfather would pretty much drink every weekend and start fighting with my mom for whatever reason. It never really got physical but I always feared it would, and of course, I saw it as my responsibility to make sure it didn’t. This went on for a good 4 years. I feel like I lost a good part of my youth during that time, for four years I dreaded the very thing all teenagers should be able to look forward to, the weekend. Luckily, they eventually divorced.
So that’s about the tip of the iceberg to keep it short, this is after all only an introduction. There was also a lot of bullying and other crap that further shattered my self-worth.
How am I doing today? I’m in my mid-twenties and have struggled with emotional instability pretty much my whole life, and it got progressively worse as I reached adulthood. I fill the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m currently fighting a long-lasting depression and all the other problems that come with it, with the help of meditation, meds, my therapist and the occasional ingestion of psychedelics.
To the surprise of no-one, I also have issues with intimacy. I haven’t been able to have enjoyable sex in over 4 years now, and so far, I’ve only been in one long-term relationship. It was what you’d expect, passionate, unstable and in the end, toxic. Lasted for about 19 months.
I’ve also struggled with porn-addiction and messed up fantasies that have further wrecked my sex-life. But at least it makes sense to me now, I can’t blame myself anymore. The shame I’ve felt all my life has slightly lifted and the appeal of these things have actually faded now that I know where they’re coming from.
I consider finding this community to be a milestone in my ongoing recovery. I can’t promise to be that active of a member, but I would at least like to continue reading your experiences in the hope of remembering more about my past, or just to remind myself that I’m not alone.
It felt good to write this. Thanks for reading, and take care.
I’ve known about the term ‘covert incest’ for at least a year, but I guess I’ve downplayed it’s influence on my negative thought- and behavioural patterns until recently, when I found this community. Reading about your experiences made me fully understand the impact that emotional incest has had on me. There’s a tremendous difference between knowing something and truly seeing it, feeling it.
My story is typical. Grew up with a (then) emotionally unstable and anxious mother, who of course turned me into a surrogate spouse from the get go. I have a memory of her crying and telling me that we’re all alone in this world and that nobody likes us or want anything to do with us, I remember consoling her with tears in my eyes. That’s when I learned that keeping other people happy was my responsibility alone, at the tender age of four.
I also have memories of her threatening to send me away to China or Africa. One incident was particularly traumatic: I had done something that my mother didn’t like, she let me know that she’d had enough and told me she’d abandon me and never come back. I remember screaming, wailing and pleading her to stay as she was walking towards the door. I was 4 or 5. I was terrified. She did acknowledge her mistake and apologized, but the damage was already done.
My abuse was mainly emotional, so I can’t say that my mother ever really made me feel that ‘icky’ sensation that is often mentioned here, though there were some lack of boundaries. Thing is, I’m Nordic, so nudity isn’t as big of a deal here as in other cultures. It’s therefore been hard for me to know if having her and (later) my stepfather walking naked around the house was normal or not. Though I don’t see open nudity outside the sauna and leaving the bathroom door open quite necessary nor appropriate.
Speaking of my stepfather, he came into the picture when I was about 5-6. He seemed nice and I was thrilled to finally have a father figure in life, a role that he ultimately didn’t even want to fill, and didn’t. He did provide for us but did not take part in raising me, at least he took my place as my mother’s spouse, so life felt slightly more normal for a while.
Time went on, we had built a house, I got a baby sister and my mom and stepdad married. When I entered my teens, things started to go downhill. My stepfather would pretty much drink every weekend and start fighting with my mom for whatever reason. It never really got physical but I always feared it would, and of course, I saw it as my responsibility to make sure it didn’t. This went on for a good 4 years. I feel like I lost a good part of my youth during that time, for four years I dreaded the very thing all teenagers should be able to look forward to, the weekend. Luckily, they eventually divorced.
So that’s about the tip of the iceberg to keep it short, this is after all only an introduction. There was also a lot of bullying and other crap that further shattered my self-worth.
How am I doing today? I’m in my mid-twenties and have struggled with emotional instability pretty much my whole life, and it got progressively worse as I reached adulthood. I fill the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m currently fighting a long-lasting depression and all the other problems that come with it, with the help of meditation, meds, my therapist and the occasional ingestion of psychedelics.
To the surprise of no-one, I also have issues with intimacy. I haven’t been able to have enjoyable sex in over 4 years now, and so far, I’ve only been in one long-term relationship. It was what you’d expect, passionate, unstable and in the end, toxic. Lasted for about 19 months.
I’ve also struggled with porn-addiction and messed up fantasies that have further wrecked my sex-life. But at least it makes sense to me now, I can’t blame myself anymore. The shame I’ve felt all my life has slightly lifted and the appeal of these things have actually faded now that I know where they’re coming from.
I consider finding this community to be a milestone in my ongoing recovery. I can’t promise to be that active of a member, but I would at least like to continue reading your experiences in the hope of remembering more about my past, or just to remind myself that I’m not alone.
It felt good to write this. Thanks for reading, and take care.
