Post by stareye on Mar 24, 2017 11:49:46 GMT -8
Hi All,
I just found this forum and joined and decided to introduce myself. I use the same nickname at one DID-forum. I'm a 39yo man and I have dissociative identity disorder. My childhood family was very severely dysfunctional. I think the biggest reason for that was the borderline personality disorder of my mother and the total emotional incapability of my father. Anyway, I was the oldest child and oddly enough I was the "golden child" and "scapegoat" the same time. This might be because my younger brother was the hiding "lost child" at the same time. My younger sister was the mirror image of my mother and my sister later told me that she had no real identity of her own until she was 16 because my mother tried to control her thoughts.
Anyway, my father was one year away for work when I was three years old and there were only my mother my brother and me. I have very little memories of that time. Just a memory fragment of one accident (that was caused by my mother to me) that left the bed blood stained (not much, my teeth just fell off) and my mother in a hysterical state. Then I remember my mother being "damaged" and the idea that I have to fix her. My mother used to seek confort from me when I was young and often she wanted to cuddle with me. Couple of times (I was about 5 yo) I remember that I said something stupid or wrong. After that, my mother literally kicked me out of bed so that I fell on the floor and hurt myself. This happened at least a couple of times.
One of my favourite hobbies of my parents was to ridicule me in front of other people. They even made a recording where they tried to make me and my brother sing (we were 4yo and 2yo) and then on the record called me selfish and stupid. Then over the years they would play this record to me just for laughs. Anyway, the sh*t went on until I totally mentally collapsed when I moved from home when I was 18yo.
One of the most discusting features of the covert incest in our family was this: my mother forced me to pop pimples on her back because she found it hugely relaxing. And you can imagine that a Borderline Queen feels that she is entitled to relaxation. So this happened on daily basis starting when I was 3 years old until I was 14. If I refused she would throw an unimaginable temper tantrum. My father clearly despised this but his hatred was always targeted on me.
Basically, I lived my childhood in constant shame and fear.
Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I found out a year ago that I have a dissociative identity disorder. It is actually no surprise. I have had a chronic migraine almost all my adult life. There have been better times and then again much worse. The discovery of DID helped a lot. Now I don't have migraines so often any more. The conflict of my alters has finally surfaced. Anyway, I've managed to stay alive this far. I have two academic degrees and I am not an alcoholic or drug addict. Still, the everyday life feels like a heavy struggle from time to time.
Stareye
I just found this forum and joined and decided to introduce myself. I use the same nickname at one DID-forum. I'm a 39yo man and I have dissociative identity disorder. My childhood family was very severely dysfunctional. I think the biggest reason for that was the borderline personality disorder of my mother and the total emotional incapability of my father. Anyway, I was the oldest child and oddly enough I was the "golden child" and "scapegoat" the same time. This might be because my younger brother was the hiding "lost child" at the same time. My younger sister was the mirror image of my mother and my sister later told me that she had no real identity of her own until she was 16 because my mother tried to control her thoughts.
Anyway, my father was one year away for work when I was three years old and there were only my mother my brother and me. I have very little memories of that time. Just a memory fragment of one accident (that was caused by my mother to me) that left the bed blood stained (not much, my teeth just fell off) and my mother in a hysterical state. Then I remember my mother being "damaged" and the idea that I have to fix her. My mother used to seek confort from me when I was young and often she wanted to cuddle with me. Couple of times (I was about 5 yo) I remember that I said something stupid or wrong. After that, my mother literally kicked me out of bed so that I fell on the floor and hurt myself. This happened at least a couple of times.
One of my favourite hobbies of my parents was to ridicule me in front of other people. They even made a recording where they tried to make me and my brother sing (we were 4yo and 2yo) and then on the record called me selfish and stupid. Then over the years they would play this record to me just for laughs. Anyway, the sh*t went on until I totally mentally collapsed when I moved from home when I was 18yo.
One of the most discusting features of the covert incest in our family was this: my mother forced me to pop pimples on her back because she found it hugely relaxing. And you can imagine that a Borderline Queen feels that she is entitled to relaxation. So this happened on daily basis starting when I was 3 years old until I was 14. If I refused she would throw an unimaginable temper tantrum. My father clearly despised this but his hatred was always targeted on me.
Basically, I lived my childhood in constant shame and fear.
Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I found out a year ago that I have a dissociative identity disorder. It is actually no surprise. I have had a chronic migraine almost all my adult life. There have been better times and then again much worse. The discovery of DID helped a lot. Now I don't have migraines so often any more. The conflict of my alters has finally surfaced. Anyway, I've managed to stay alive this far. I have two academic degrees and I am not an alcoholic or drug addict. Still, the everyday life feels like a heavy struggle from time to time.
Stareye