Post by robert on Jan 4, 2016 18:05:40 GMT -8
Hello Group. I'm not sure where to start. I just turned 50 years old and have almost recovered from the hurt of my divorce of 2 years ago. It seems my experience with romance has never been very good and this was just another example of being incapable of keeping a relationship working, but if you ask my friends or my daughter, they say it's because I chose the wrong partner. That seems to be the story of my life. Ever since I can remember being attracted to girls and later women something always went wrong. I never could really understand it. At 16 I would like a girl, I could easily start conversations with them and get to the point where they were obviously waiting for me to ask them out. But for some reason this feeling of guilt and shame just fell on me like a dark evil force that was taking control of my body and I would just avoid it. It happened for years. I graduated high school and started college. I remember meeting a few women that seemed interested, but that same cold, looking through a window feeling would overwhelm me the moment I wanted to go from being the social guy to the dating guy. I was never stupid enough to waste my time on women who showed no interest, the women I was talking too would sometimes approach me, but some force I could not describe seemed to overwhelm me the moment I tried to get myself to ask someone I had romantic interest in on a date. The feeling was so bad, I feared I might lose consciousness or I was probably talking 100mph and sounding incredibly stupid. So again I would just avoid going any further. College ended and I started working. I had a great job with a city. I made really good money, had outstanding credit, bought a house and drove some really nice cars. I had no one to take my money being single I was never materialistic but when tax time came the tax man said buy a house or give your money away to uncle Sam. During my 20s I tried to find a wife. I really didn't like living alone. I was in great shape, thanks to my job and very stable. I even had women I worked with and other ones who knew me from other places "become" my friends and looking back it's obvious they were waiting for me to take it to the romantic level. Believe me, I wanted to with a number of them. I had some very smart, funny and attractive ladies calling me just to see how things were going. Again, each time I would think I want to ask her to dinner, or see if she maybe wants to go further, that dark evil force put me in what felt like a force field where I felt I was no longer there and whoever was starting to ask these questions wasn't me. Knowing I wasn't in control, I would just change the subject to something else and things seemed to go back to normal. Even though normal sucked, it was better than feeling like I was being put behind glass looking in at my world! Time went on, I lived alone, and I did not like it. I watched my friends move on with their lives but I kept living alone. Friends and family kept asking me when I was going to find someone. To my disappointment my Grand Mother said to my Grand fathers inquiry, some people don't want to get married and enjoy being single! I thought OMG, nothing could be further from the truth, but I didn't know what to say. Everyone liked to tell me it was "self confidence" and I just needed to work on that. People have no idea what I was going through. I did Military time facing an enemy who wanted to kill me, I worked in Law Enforcement where co-workers died and you working your safe little factor job is going to tell me to get self confidence. I can't say the words here that I used then!
I started counseling when I was in my early 20s. I knew something was wrong, but didn't understand what. Most of the time, the therapy focused on my father who left when I was in my late teens. Certainly that hurt, but it wasn't the problem. I had so many hours discussing what a jerk my dad was, yet nothing helped. I still felt like great, we all agree dad was an ******* and if I see him again I will share with him some of the insults I wrote in my countless letters a couple of the counselors made me write. But it didn't help me feel any better when it came to being with women. I changed counselors a few times and the second to last one I saw focused more on teaching me how to masturbate than on what the hell is going on in my head! This guy even gave me a book on self fulfillment and when I realized I don't need help with pleasing myself and would rather focus on this feeling of a dark force that comes over me when I try to find romance, he became angry and billed me $30 for this book I was supposed to find some joy in. I went without counseling for a while after that but eventually started talking to this older lady counselor. She talked about my father but realized quickly the problem wasn't with him. She said what I said too, Dad is irresponsible and you probably have a few words you could give him, but I don't think that's the problem. She started delving into issues with my mother. It was like a light went off in my head. My Mom? She was always there for me, but she was annoying. I told her how after Dad left, she started to focus on me and confiding all her problems in me. Calling my sisters "The kids" while talking to me as if I wasn't one of " The kids". She would ask me to come lie in her bed with her and give her back massages while she lied there nearly naked, moaning in this nearly sexual way and telling me how good I am YUCK! She would confide all of her daily life problems in me and tell me how she would never get married again and didn't need another man to tell her what to do. I remember meeting a girl at school who I thought was rather cute and asked my mom for advice on what to say. She gave me a lecture as though I had betrayed the family trust and started accusing me of being like my father. Telling me how I would rather go spend time with some girl who will have sex (she used much more colorful words) with me rather than spend time helping my family. The girl hadn't even said yes yet! I think that about explains my problems with women. There were other girls that would call or come by to see me and she would say something similar to them. I even recall her telling one girl that I have more important family issues to contend with than to spend my time with her. This girl told me later she didn't know what was wrong with my mother, but she was a strange lady! Sadly, my mother didn't want me to hang out with this girl, but she had no problem with me hanging out with my friend who got me into countless problems with the police and found himself in state prison a number of years later! Good call Mom! Thank god I never was convicted of anything.
Anyway, this counselor said you sound like you were emotionally attacked. It's like a form of sexual abuse, but without the sex. I thought that was a little strange, but she explained it better and how many single mothers do this to their sons and the effects have a terrible effect on your relationships. She said I feel guilty for wanting a natural desire. She said of course you would rather be a girl your age and you are supposed to want to have sex with that girl! She said it would be completely bizarre to chose your mother over a mate. This woman hit my feelings right on the head. I met with her more times, but as luck would have it, I lost my job (and my insurance) with the city due to some attitude problems I had. Sometimes those happen when you are so frustrated with your life that you show it in ways you shouldn't. I didn't have any citizens complaints, just management not liking my attitude. During all this time, I was so fed up with how I felt in my personal life that I just didn't care anymore. I had even thought about ending it all, but fortunately I didn't do that. It's too bad I didn't meet this counselor long before I had already ruined my career.
I learned later that what this counselor had addressed was called covert incest. I had no idea there was such a thing. Interesting, had my mother not tried to show men she didn't need them by using her son, perhaps her son would have grown up normal enough to have a regular life and not hate it. Maybe he would have actually had a family and felt worthwhile in the world. But no, I was her answer I guess. As time went on, she would even tell me about men she was dating and tell me some very graphic things I just refused to listen too. It got so bad that I had to tell her the old phrase, "too much information". She said she thought we could share things. I never really knew what to say to her after all those years. I know she has no idea what she did to me, now she has passed away so she will never be able too. I don't blame her, she had her own issues, but she certainly damaged what could have been a much better life for me. Luckily I had one woman who married me for a short time and gave me a daughter. Of course that woman and I divorced as she had too many of her own issues. I was also married one more time to woman from Eastern Europe but I discovered she used me and when she got caught she did tried to do some devastating things but did not succeed. So now I live my life single, doing a job I don't enjoy just being thankful I have my little girl. She certainly has her own life now, which is a little sad, but I certainly would never expect her to fulfill the role of a mate for me. The last thing I want to do is do to her what my mother did to me. She doesn't deserve that, then again neither did I!
Maybe discussing my issues here will be a help until I can find more professional counseling to help me perhaps life a more normal life now that I am over 50 years old. I guess I have a few more years of dating left. If I can somehow learn to not be so controlled by those feelings, my life would be so much better.
I started counseling when I was in my early 20s. I knew something was wrong, but didn't understand what. Most of the time, the therapy focused on my father who left when I was in my late teens. Certainly that hurt, but it wasn't the problem. I had so many hours discussing what a jerk my dad was, yet nothing helped. I still felt like great, we all agree dad was an ******* and if I see him again I will share with him some of the insults I wrote in my countless letters a couple of the counselors made me write. But it didn't help me feel any better when it came to being with women. I changed counselors a few times and the second to last one I saw focused more on teaching me how to masturbate than on what the hell is going on in my head! This guy even gave me a book on self fulfillment and when I realized I don't need help with pleasing myself and would rather focus on this feeling of a dark force that comes over me when I try to find romance, he became angry and billed me $30 for this book I was supposed to find some joy in. I went without counseling for a while after that but eventually started talking to this older lady counselor. She talked about my father but realized quickly the problem wasn't with him. She said what I said too, Dad is irresponsible and you probably have a few words you could give him, but I don't think that's the problem. She started delving into issues with my mother. It was like a light went off in my head. My Mom? She was always there for me, but she was annoying. I told her how after Dad left, she started to focus on me and confiding all her problems in me. Calling my sisters "The kids" while talking to me as if I wasn't one of " The kids". She would ask me to come lie in her bed with her and give her back massages while she lied there nearly naked, moaning in this nearly sexual way and telling me how good I am YUCK! She would confide all of her daily life problems in me and tell me how she would never get married again and didn't need another man to tell her what to do. I remember meeting a girl at school who I thought was rather cute and asked my mom for advice on what to say. She gave me a lecture as though I had betrayed the family trust and started accusing me of being like my father. Telling me how I would rather go spend time with some girl who will have sex (she used much more colorful words) with me rather than spend time helping my family. The girl hadn't even said yes yet! I think that about explains my problems with women. There were other girls that would call or come by to see me and she would say something similar to them. I even recall her telling one girl that I have more important family issues to contend with than to spend my time with her. This girl told me later she didn't know what was wrong with my mother, but she was a strange lady! Sadly, my mother didn't want me to hang out with this girl, but she had no problem with me hanging out with my friend who got me into countless problems with the police and found himself in state prison a number of years later! Good call Mom! Thank god I never was convicted of anything.
Anyway, this counselor said you sound like you were emotionally attacked. It's like a form of sexual abuse, but without the sex. I thought that was a little strange, but she explained it better and how many single mothers do this to their sons and the effects have a terrible effect on your relationships. She said I feel guilty for wanting a natural desire. She said of course you would rather be a girl your age and you are supposed to want to have sex with that girl! She said it would be completely bizarre to chose your mother over a mate. This woman hit my feelings right on the head. I met with her more times, but as luck would have it, I lost my job (and my insurance) with the city due to some attitude problems I had. Sometimes those happen when you are so frustrated with your life that you show it in ways you shouldn't. I didn't have any citizens complaints, just management not liking my attitude. During all this time, I was so fed up with how I felt in my personal life that I just didn't care anymore. I had even thought about ending it all, but fortunately I didn't do that. It's too bad I didn't meet this counselor long before I had already ruined my career.
I learned later that what this counselor had addressed was called covert incest. I had no idea there was such a thing. Interesting, had my mother not tried to show men she didn't need them by using her son, perhaps her son would have grown up normal enough to have a regular life and not hate it. Maybe he would have actually had a family and felt worthwhile in the world. But no, I was her answer I guess. As time went on, she would even tell me about men she was dating and tell me some very graphic things I just refused to listen too. It got so bad that I had to tell her the old phrase, "too much information". She said she thought we could share things. I never really knew what to say to her after all those years. I know she has no idea what she did to me, now she has passed away so she will never be able too. I don't blame her, she had her own issues, but she certainly damaged what could have been a much better life for me. Luckily I had one woman who married me for a short time and gave me a daughter. Of course that woman and I divorced as she had too many of her own issues. I was also married one more time to woman from Eastern Europe but I discovered she used me and when she got caught she did tried to do some devastating things but did not succeed. So now I live my life single, doing a job I don't enjoy just being thankful I have my little girl. She certainly has her own life now, which is a little sad, but I certainly would never expect her to fulfill the role of a mate for me. The last thing I want to do is do to her what my mother did to me. She doesn't deserve that, then again neither did I!
Maybe discussing my issues here will be a help until I can find more professional counseling to help me perhaps life a more normal life now that I am over 50 years old. I guess I have a few more years of dating left. If I can somehow learn to not be so controlled by those feelings, my life would be so much better.