Post by barnes66 on Feb 16, 2015 18:15:31 GMT -8
My parents got divorced when we were 3 and we got raised by our grand parents. My Dad got remarried then he decided to leave the Country to come to Canada. After few years, he immigrated us to come here from Africa with my step mom, my step sister and my real sister. My mom stayed back home but we kept in touch with her.
The communication we had with her was through my dad around that time so we would write a letter to her and give it to my Dad then he would mail it. We stayed in touch by writing back and forth with her. Then I don`t know why but my sister and I got caught up with things here and we just stopped writing to her.
Then she send another letter asking why we stopped we stopped writing to her and why we were doing this to her and that she misses our love but we never responded. I don't why me and my sister did this. I feel so terrible.
Then I recall my Dad telling us that my mom had send a letter telling him that she is not feeling well and she wants our pictures to see how much we have grown since the last time we have seen her .
She also wrote the number for us to call where she was staying with my aunt back home. We asked my Dad to take the photos of us but he never followed through with it.
Mind you my sister and I were only 15 and 12 without jobs and we were still getting used to a new country. We didn't know were to go about to get cameras for pictures and every communication we had was through my Dad who didn't seem to care that much at that time.
We were not familiar with the system here since it was so different from Africa.
We never follow through with all that until my step mom started nagging my Dad to go and buy a long distance card so we can talk to my mom.
He finally complied and the next morning my step mom dialed the number for us and she connected where my mom was staying - She was going to pass the phone to us to talk to her once she connects to her .
Then she asked to speak to my mom but instead of passing the phone to us, she stayed on the phone silent and exchanged few words with whoever picked the phone then she said okay and hung up the phone.
She told us that she was informed that my mom had passed away few months ealier .So it was too late .
Apparantely,my mom got ill around the time we lost touch with her and she left the city where she was staying for work and went back to her Moms village . She died there few months later - which were she got buried.
My Dad admitted that my mom had sent a letter few moths prior telling him that she is not feeling well and she was afraid that she is wasn't going to make it.If she doesn't -she ask if my Dad can take care of us.
I felt numb but I didn't cry or fell apart .I just tried going on with my life.I don't if I was just in denial.
Then years later my moms brother ,my uncle found me and my sister on Face book and we reconnected. I hadn't seen him since I was 5 back home. We caught up and I asked him what had really happened with our mom and how she died. He told us that our mom tried desperately to get hold of us on her last days.
She kept pushing my uncle to find us because she really wanted to talk to us. At some point he googled my Dads name trying to locate us to no avail - mom got desperate and frantic to get hold us.
From what my uncle said, she knew that she was dying because she kept saying things like ``.I am going to die and I will never see my kids again``.
She kept telling uncle to find us over and over because she really wanted to talk to us before she died on her last days:(. I am actually tearing up typing this.
To this day, we don't know how she died. My other Uncle told us that she just got sick with flu like symptoms and then boom she was gone in 2 weeks. However, my aunt told us that she had cancer in her uterus.
My Grandmother, her mom who is still alive today told me that someone had something to do with her death and when she she died she came to my grandmother dreams explaining how she really died / who was behind it.We don't know for sure what really killed her. She was only 35 when she passed away .She had me and my sister when she was a teenager which explains why she was still a young mom when we were teenagers by the time she passed away.
I am now 29 and living on my own.I now reliazed that I haven't properly grieved her death expect few occasions when I would burst into tears when I think about her.
Lately, I have been thinking about her allot and wishing if she was still alive so I could talk to her ,now We have access to a computer ,phone and discovered face book, skype etc unlike back then when we were younger living with my Dad .
Everything was through him and we didn't have access to these deivces .I have been breaking down crying when I am alone at home.I also feel guilty because I never got to say good bye when she passed away and how we stopped communicating with her until it was too late. I just feel so bad thinking how she must have went through without our love and support and us by her side when she took her last breath.
I feel bad thinking how she must have felt when couldn't get hold of us ,knowing that she was dying/ us being continents away.
She must have thought we stopped caring about her when we stopped writing to her
I keep getting memories on how she lived with us when she separated from my Dad but the my Dad never sent her enough money to help her. She couldn't afford to raise us so she sent us back to him but he decided we stay our grand parents my Dads parents. I keep thinking about
-How she took us back for a holiday right after to stay with her because she missed us.
-How she used to visit us every chance she got at our grand parents
-How she spoke to me when I got my period
-How she used to buy us gifts on holidays
-How she told us not to forget about her before we left the country
-How she sent me a cd of my favourite singer back home when I asked her to
I keep thinking about the happy and sad moments we shared with her when I was little girl. I can still feel her love for us even though she is no longer with us
I want to tell her that I love her and I am sorry - that we didn't mean to hurt her but I cant.My sister and I are thinking to fly back home to see her grave in the future/talk to her as if she is still alive. Would that give us closure and make us feel better? How can I say sorry to her when she is no longer alive to hear me?
