Post by tc on Feb 15, 2015 15:49:56 GMT -8
Hi all...I wanted to introduce myself as well. I can certainly relate to what has been said. I'm the youngest of two males. My brother is six years older than I. My incestuous relationship was with my mother. Both of my parents have passed (dad in 2001) and mother in 2013. My father suffered from untreated depression (he refused help of any kind until shortly before his death at 76) and was emotionally unavailable to say the least. I remember him as being very quiet, morose and irritable most of the time. He was unhappily employed all of his adult life and socially isolated and avoidant. However, he came alive on stage...like a Jekyll/Hyde...dad was a song and dance man that entertained others with skill and ease. People loved him. I've inherited many of his traits for better or for worse. He was a tall man...6'4" with large hands and could be quite intimidating and downright frightening when he became angry--which he did quite often (the only time he really came alive at home). My mother used to verbalize that she had three boys (sons)...my father being one of them. My father was jealous of my relationship to my mother and often made this known when push came to shove by stating that she always chose me over him. My parents were obsessed with cleanliness--germ phobic. They were 'old school' in that there wasn't 'active parenting' on their part. I remember my mother's response to my inquiries later in life: "I don't know, you boys just grew." was her response. Avoidance of any real feelings or communication was the norm. Despite their germ phobia, for some reason my parents were quite liberal with their nakedness. Seeing my mother or father disrobed to some extent was a daily occurrence. I saw my mother naked until I was 21 years old. She left her bathroom door open while she was getting ready for work in the morning, using the toilet or getting out of the shower. I regularly saw her breasts and pubic hair. I remember seeing her leg while she sat on the toilet and hearing her douche. Nothing was ever said. No real attempt was made to 'cover up'. Mom's nakedness came to an end when at the prompting of a psychiatrist, I went home and as he told me to do told her to put some clothes on. In addition to the nakedness (and I don't know how this came about) my mother wiped me. I don't know how long this went on for...but it went on long enough that I made up a little song I sang to call her to me. I was 8 maybe 9 at the time. She would have me bend over the side of the tub and then she would wipe me until I was 'clean'. As I write this, I feel profound sense of shame and embarrassment. I'm 51 years old now. As I indicated, my mother died 2 years ago at 84 from Alzheimers. Up until the time when her illness debilitated her mind, I always kept my guard up around her. Her attempts to hug or kiss me felt 'icky'. She was a very needy demanding woman. It was never enough. At the very end of her life, I felt safe enough to come out and extend myself in compassion to her...in an effort to comfort her as an old woman who was dying. I guess that was my attempt to make some peace with her. Needless to say, her legacy lives on. There is more I would like to share, but I realize I've already gone on for quite some time. Thank you for reading.
