Post by wookiecoat on Dec 11, 2014 10:32:37 GMT -8
Hello, I am not sure where to start, so I will start at the beginning.
I come from a broken home. My father was an alchoholic/drug addict, and so was my mother at various times. She was a big advocate of 12 step programs and would participate in them when my parents were apart. They had a break up/make up cycle of about six months- meaning they would have a “mini divorce” at least once a year, with my Father disappearing for months at a time. Usually this would be in a very dramatic fashion, like stealing the rent, pawning our TV, or stealing my mother’s car. This finally peaked when I was 12 years old, with them finally divorcing. He continued to come and go for the next five years, as if the formal divorce never happened.
During my entire childhood I was “the responsible one” and “so mature”. Both of my parents would confide their sexual histories, problems they were currently experiencing in their marriage, emotional difficulties, financial difficulties, etc. When my Dad would leave, I would be my Mother’s counselor. She would cry on my shoulder. She would tell me how she felt and encourage me to do the same. I was so proud to be special enough to have her share this information with me. Up until last year she would mention how we had a “special relationship”. It always made my skin crawl and I didn’t know why.
My younger brother had no expectations placed on him, and my older brother left the house as soon as he could. This put me in the awkward spot of being both a scape goat and a golden child. I was forced to be the man of the house whether I liked it or not. I married young, mostly to escape. She threw a tantrum right up until the wedding, and continued it afterwards. She was addicted to some sort of pills by this point (I am not sure what) and she decided to stop working. At 20 years old I took in my brother (who was 17) because I was afraid she would OD and he would find her corpse. She moved in with relatives, and when that imploded she moved in with my wife and I.
This was a nightmare, and lasted six months. I had to kick her out or my wife would leave me. She eventually got help or kicked her addictions and managed to get a decent place to live and a vehicle. She still would call me to yell at me or vent about her worries, fears, and frustrations but our relationship was marginally better. It morphed into a new relationship where whenever she had a problem she would call me. Sick? Call wookiecoat. Car broke down? Call wookiecoat. Sad/depressed? Call wookiecoat. This would usually wreck y whole day, and make my wife jealous. My wife said she refused to compete with her for my time and affections. I just felt caught in the middle.
Once we had children the dynamic changed again, with her wanting to be “Grandmother of the year”. She would schedule visits and cancel half the time. She tried to monopolize all the holidays/birthdays. Tension between her and my wife increased, until my wife just avoided her at all costs. This would usually build up until we had a fight which led to me being “punished” for six months at a time. She would go no contact for my “bad behavior”. In effect, I had replaced my father- we would “break up” and “make up”.
After years of praying, I took a job in another state. The primary reason was cost of living, but she was definitely a factor. What was so disturbing was when I told family about the move, they asked when I would move her up- because I always took care of her. This led to some serious soul searching. I read “Boundaries” by Cloud, and “Covert Incest” by Adams. I finished with “Narcissistic predicaments” By Renee Pittelli. I decided to go no contact to give my marriage and myself time to heal.
It has been a real challenge breaking the old habits. I still worry about my Mom more than my immediate family. I keep wondering IF there is even a chance of making things better, or if I should try. It has been a year, and i am realizing I may need therapy to deal with the guilt and shame. I want to keep my marriage and my sanity intact. Reading other posts here has been very comforting. I realize I am not the one who is crazy, and I am not alone. Thanks for reading this.