Post by jmd82 on Jun 18, 2014 21:57:26 GMT -8
Over a year ago I discovered the term covert incest. Now I am going to enter therapy to try and decipher the feelings and emotions I have towards all that went on in my teen years and early twenties. Here is part of my life story:
My biological father died when I was 10 years old. He was physically abusive to my mother and me. I can remember feeling relieved at his death, as if all of it was over and things would be better. I should have known that my mother would pick another man similar to the first. Within two years of my fathers death my mother was remarried to another man. The adjustment was hard for me. My mother continually pushed for me to accept this new family which included 4 older step siblings. Of the four step children only one son remained at home. She constantly insisited that I call my step brother my brother and that I call my step father dad. Shortly after we moved in, my step brother began to peek at me. I can remember telling my mother and she would shrug it off and tell me she had to catch him in the act to do anything about it. I told her specifically that I had seen him peeking through the bathroom window at me. Her solutions was to put a plant in the window to make it all better. Eventually this step brother would poke holes in my walls to see me undressing. I showed my mother but she just ignored it. One night my mother and her new husband decided to leave my step brother and I alone for the night as they went and spent a night somewhere else. That night I saw the flash of light under the bathroom door and figured out that he was using mirrors as well as window peeping, and putting holes in my walls. I ran away that night to a friends house. When my parents came back in the morning they were upset that I had run away! Things kept getting worse. The more I fought it verbally the more I was accused of breaking the family up, of being mean, of ruining the new marriage. It eventually got to the point of my step brother grabbing my breasts and inserting his fingers in my vagina. I began to get physical to fight back instead of just being verbal and lucky for me he wilted at the opposition. My mother all the while kept telling me there was nothing she could do and that I should understand that is what boys did to girls.
Fast forward a few years and now my step father enters the arena. In the beginning, when we first moved in my mother pushed for me to like this man but I hated him. I tried hard to please her and began to call him Dad to appease her. I would even give him hugs and he insisted on kissing me on the lips. I can remember being a teenager and feeling that it was grossly wrong but I put up with it to try and satisfy the expectation of being his "daughter". Finally one day I couldn't take it anymore and I told him no more kisses on the lips. He backed off immediately but the memories still haunt me. Because of my mothers reaction to my situation with my stepbrother, I had stopped confiding in her and felt so alone. My step father swooped in and began to act like my best friend. He would complain about how horrible my mother was and at that point I was only too happy to agree. With time we were the best of friends. I felt like I could confide my every thought with him and he with me. He would often tell me that he only wished that he was younger because we would have made quite the team. I often sat on his lap and he often invited me to. Then I started to get preferential treatment. I was the one to hear all of his secrets, I would get clothes, etc. Eventually he started to tell me secrets about his sex life, the size of his penis, how my mother never statisfied him, and on went the stories. Of course I felt like I was his biggest confidante and although it was disturbing I thought I was his friend and I needed to be there for him. There were times in high school where my back would get out of place and he would adjust it for me. Eventually he claimed he couldn't adjust my back with my shirt on so he asked me to take it off. He told me he wouldn't look. I felt so immodest but I thought it was just that - my modesty. After that one time of taking my shirt off, he wanted to adjust my back and take my shirt off everytime. After that he began to comment about my breasts. Then it was over night camping trips just me and him where he would hold me all night long. It was horrible!!! But he was my only friend in the world and I cherished him so much. Even though I felt so yucky inside I felt that I was wrong and that he was just a friend to me. Then I went to college and started to suffer from anorexia and bulimia. My stepfather thought it was great. He would ask me my weight and when I came home on holidays he would take me down to the local high school locker room (he's a high school teacher) and watch me weigh in my bra and panty's all the while commenting on how beautiful my body was. He constantly wanted to take me underwear shopping, told me I was sexy, and asked what type of underwear I was wearing. And was he ever so controlling! I couldn't do anything without his approval but I considered it apart of the father-daughter relationship. He was looking out for me. When I wasn't at home, he would call me everyday and anytime I was away for awhile he would write me emails about how hard it was not to receive any physical attention from my mother and how he needed me to fill that void. Those letters made my stomache flop! There was never any intercourse or touching between the two of us but I would have dreams that there had been. Those dreams still haunt me to this day. Eventually I married and began to realize that my relationship with my step father wasn't right. I began to be sickened everytime I saw him but I couldn't figure out why. I finally just started to avoid him by not answering the phone and not visiting as often to lessen the revolting feeling I was having.
A year ago I got the gumption up to write a letter to my mother and stepfather outlining the abuse and saying I no longer wanted to be in a relationship like that. My stepfather bowed out saying he was sorry and he commented that I only remembered the worst of times and I should focus on the happy times we had. He mentioned if I ever needed anything he was always there for me - then he signed off. My mother went on to accuse me of having an affair with my stepfather and claimed I enjoyed rubbing it in her face. I have talked to her a few times since but I can't understand how she can tolerate me after accusing me of that. I also can't understand how she maintains a close relationship with the stepson who abused me and refuses to have a close relationship with me. Emotionally I am struggling. I feel rejected and alone since my own mother really wants nothing to do with me. I am struggling with the confusion of having a step father who seemed to be my best friend and who seemed to love me so very much and the realization that he was sexually abusing me. I just can't wrap my head around it all yet. I can't understand why my mother allowed all this to happen and blames me for it. I can't understand why I found deep friendship in a man who was ultimately using me - it seems at times he did have my best interests at heart. I can't understand how my mother can stay with a man like that and turn me into the enemy. I am hoping to find healing through therapy.
My biological father died when I was 10 years old. He was physically abusive to my mother and me. I can remember feeling relieved at his death, as if all of it was over and things would be better. I should have known that my mother would pick another man similar to the first. Within two years of my fathers death my mother was remarried to another man. The adjustment was hard for me. My mother continually pushed for me to accept this new family which included 4 older step siblings. Of the four step children only one son remained at home. She constantly insisited that I call my step brother my brother and that I call my step father dad. Shortly after we moved in, my step brother began to peek at me. I can remember telling my mother and she would shrug it off and tell me she had to catch him in the act to do anything about it. I told her specifically that I had seen him peeking through the bathroom window at me. Her solutions was to put a plant in the window to make it all better. Eventually this step brother would poke holes in my walls to see me undressing. I showed my mother but she just ignored it. One night my mother and her new husband decided to leave my step brother and I alone for the night as they went and spent a night somewhere else. That night I saw the flash of light under the bathroom door and figured out that he was using mirrors as well as window peeping, and putting holes in my walls. I ran away that night to a friends house. When my parents came back in the morning they were upset that I had run away! Things kept getting worse. The more I fought it verbally the more I was accused of breaking the family up, of being mean, of ruining the new marriage. It eventually got to the point of my step brother grabbing my breasts and inserting his fingers in my vagina. I began to get physical to fight back instead of just being verbal and lucky for me he wilted at the opposition. My mother all the while kept telling me there was nothing she could do and that I should understand that is what boys did to girls.
Fast forward a few years and now my step father enters the arena. In the beginning, when we first moved in my mother pushed for me to like this man but I hated him. I tried hard to please her and began to call him Dad to appease her. I would even give him hugs and he insisted on kissing me on the lips. I can remember being a teenager and feeling that it was grossly wrong but I put up with it to try and satisfy the expectation of being his "daughter". Finally one day I couldn't take it anymore and I told him no more kisses on the lips. He backed off immediately but the memories still haunt me. Because of my mothers reaction to my situation with my stepbrother, I had stopped confiding in her and felt so alone. My step father swooped in and began to act like my best friend. He would complain about how horrible my mother was and at that point I was only too happy to agree. With time we were the best of friends. I felt like I could confide my every thought with him and he with me. He would often tell me that he only wished that he was younger because we would have made quite the team. I often sat on his lap and he often invited me to. Then I started to get preferential treatment. I was the one to hear all of his secrets, I would get clothes, etc. Eventually he started to tell me secrets about his sex life, the size of his penis, how my mother never statisfied him, and on went the stories. Of course I felt like I was his biggest confidante and although it was disturbing I thought I was his friend and I needed to be there for him. There were times in high school where my back would get out of place and he would adjust it for me. Eventually he claimed he couldn't adjust my back with my shirt on so he asked me to take it off. He told me he wouldn't look. I felt so immodest but I thought it was just that - my modesty. After that one time of taking my shirt off, he wanted to adjust my back and take my shirt off everytime. After that he began to comment about my breasts. Then it was over night camping trips just me and him where he would hold me all night long. It was horrible!!! But he was my only friend in the world and I cherished him so much. Even though I felt so yucky inside I felt that I was wrong and that he was just a friend to me. Then I went to college and started to suffer from anorexia and bulimia. My stepfather thought it was great. He would ask me my weight and when I came home on holidays he would take me down to the local high school locker room (he's a high school teacher) and watch me weigh in my bra and panty's all the while commenting on how beautiful my body was. He constantly wanted to take me underwear shopping, told me I was sexy, and asked what type of underwear I was wearing. And was he ever so controlling! I couldn't do anything without his approval but I considered it apart of the father-daughter relationship. He was looking out for me. When I wasn't at home, he would call me everyday and anytime I was away for awhile he would write me emails about how hard it was not to receive any physical attention from my mother and how he needed me to fill that void. Those letters made my stomache flop! There was never any intercourse or touching between the two of us but I would have dreams that there had been. Those dreams still haunt me to this day. Eventually I married and began to realize that my relationship with my step father wasn't right. I began to be sickened everytime I saw him but I couldn't figure out why. I finally just started to avoid him by not answering the phone and not visiting as often to lessen the revolting feeling I was having.
A year ago I got the gumption up to write a letter to my mother and stepfather outlining the abuse and saying I no longer wanted to be in a relationship like that. My stepfather bowed out saying he was sorry and he commented that I only remembered the worst of times and I should focus on the happy times we had. He mentioned if I ever needed anything he was always there for me - then he signed off. My mother went on to accuse me of having an affair with my stepfather and claimed I enjoyed rubbing it in her face. I have talked to her a few times since but I can't understand how she can tolerate me after accusing me of that. I also can't understand how she maintains a close relationship with the stepson who abused me and refuses to have a close relationship with me. Emotionally I am struggling. I feel rejected and alone since my own mother really wants nothing to do with me. I am struggling with the confusion of having a step father who seemed to be my best friend and who seemed to love me so very much and the realization that he was sexually abusing me. I just can't wrap my head around it all yet. I can't understand why my mother allowed all this to happen and blames me for it. I can't understand why I found deep friendship in a man who was ultimately using me - it seems at times he did have my best interests at heart. I can't understand how my mother can stay with a man like that and turn me into the enemy. I am hoping to find healing through therapy.
