What about...

[dare]

..the people who say it isn't real?

I went to Amazon.com to check out "Trapped in a Mirror" that was a suggested buy in the Books thread.. and one of the reviews there.. supposedly from a Doctor, said that this isn't a real problem?

I just can't believe that some people out there think that covert incest behaviour shouldn't be written about or talked about! It angers me that someone is saying it's all made up!

[Moriji]

No one is immune to denial of sexual abuse, not even therapists. Part of the reason I started this site is to counter their propaganda. Back when I started this site, when you googled covert incest, all you would get were all these web pages by people whose kids left them and they would be angry at these therapists for "brainwashing" their kids. I didn't see anyone of them looking inward to see if anything they were doing caused their children to leave them. But such is the nature of denial. They'd rather come up with all these crazy beliefs then to believe in the truth that they may be abusive.

[dare]

Thanks for finding a place for us, Moriji. It feels nice to be validated!

[shadowstar]

ditto.

[dane]

I am ticked at the pormotion of the problem on the internet, it seem like people are making fun of the whole problem just to make money.

[portlander]

Aside from those perpetrators that have a vested interest in denying the existance of CI, perhaps some of these supposed professionals are just speaking from Hubris: If they haven't solved a problem then ergo it doesn't exist.

Some of these negative reviewers on Amazon seem to be also posting the same negative review, almost word for word, re every book on the topic. Makes me wonder if maybe they aren't protesting just a little bit too much. After all, if they don't believe the phenomenon exists, why do they keep reading and reviewing books on it ?

But I can see where at least one of the negative reviews is coming from. As reviewer R-- G-- on Amazon points out, there IS such a thing as Dependent Personality Disorder. According to DSM-IV, DPD is characterized by 5 or more of:

1. Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others

2. Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life

3. Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval (this does not include realistic fears of retribution)

4. Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)

5. Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant

6. Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself

7. Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends

8. Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself.

But while that may be an overlapping component with CI, in some cases more so than others, I don't think it's the whole story. CI would seem to be more about not respecting boundaries.

The best definition I've seen of CI was at www.dfcards.com/didjaKfall00.html where the author writes: "The following defines covert incest and sexual abuse toward male or female children (18 and under) by an adult:

1. Repeated use of sexual language, gestures, and sexual name-calling

2. Directly seductive language. Direct requests (solicitation) for sexual activity

3. Exposure to sexually revealing clothing

4. Intrusive interest in child's sexual development (i.e. menstruation, genital size)

5. Inappropriate sexual interest in child's clothing (i.e. fit, style)

6. Exhibitionism: exposure of sex organs, frequent and/or deliberate nudity

7. Repeated explicit quizzing about child's sexual curiosity and interest

8. Direct and intentional scrutiny of the body (clothed, or when bathing or dressing)

9. Use of child as a peer for adult emotional expression, as a confidant/counselor regarding personal (adult) needs and problems; as an exclusive, special, intimate companion."

Now, in my situation with my stepmother, this is a spot-on definition except for 2, it never quite got that far. And on 9, although she would occasionally tell me confidences and talk about topics that are inappropriate for mothers to talk about with sons, I never got the feeling she was establishing a 'dependancy' on me. I was never treated like the "Man of the House"; I was never "Her Little Man"; nor did it ever seem like I was a 'substitute' for my dad. I never felt trapped in a "Psychological Marriage", as Ken Adams described it in Silently Seduced.

But every situation is different. For me, 9 was the least of it. Perhaps for others, 9 was the most of it.

My gut feeling is that, with CI, something else is going on too, beyond mere DPD, but I don't yet know what it is.