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Post by omg200 on Apr 25, 2008 0:15:58 GMT -8
Hello im glad that i found this forum and i hope this will help me understand what is really going in my family.
I would like to know if my mothers behaviour is clear covert incest behavour or there is some other background , because things have alot of similarities and all this is hard for me because i dont wanna judge anyone and have a guilts inside me.
Im aware that i might overreacted but based on all i cannot ignore everything,so here is my story:
Im 28 years old male living with mother ( 51 ) , im child of alcoholic father who mentally abused family and i can feel all
consequences still today even if this ended like 7 years ago.
I dont doubt in mothers love even if i never felt it right way , but on the other side all this is also strange relationship,
alot of fight and arguments between both in a way that doesnt seems like mother-son relationship and that worries me.
The relationship is more alike husband-wife relationship.
Last 2 weeks behaviour from mother suddenly changed , although in past i already noticed some small deteils which could look like in a way covered incest , or at least not normal behaviour from mother.
One of those i remember was cleaning in my room the dust,while dressed in revealing clothes ( underwear ).
All that happened directly infront of my eyes even if there was choice that she could covered herself fully.At least i think most of mothers behave diferently in this situations more appopriate.
Im not sure if covered incest can be in a way overnight situation , but last 2 weeks this behaviour was different , visible
different from most of years before.
Here are those situations which confused me because i dont seem them as natural mothers behaviour.
1.alot of hughs and different tone of talking:
( she got home talking to me about health and how worried she is , while hugging me around waist , later mentioning
how she need to dress better and carry about herself better - i dont know real reason or connection with health issue )
2.kisses on my neck ( short kisses )
3.hugs while me helping her
( i helped her something and she said to me: like you look so tall - cuddly way of talking and again hughs )
4.hugs while normal talk and sentence which i dont understand:
( random chat about furniture on how some friends have positioned bedroms and living rooms , after that she said:
- and in our home your bedroom is there .. and mine in that direction ... ( she showed visually )
After that she laughed and she was kinda "shy" ...
5.offering me help in bathroom to wash my back and talk:
Entering and saying: i wont look( 2x ) and telling me: if you will get a GF she should wash you like that too ...
( kinda looked by words like - you should tell her ... )
This is also weird because i think every son can alone decide what to do with GF and when to have her.
6.later "coincidental" question:
- She was in sexy underwear and asking me if she look sexy ( kinda masked question but basically meant same thing )
That happened 1 hour after bathroom sentence which i found quite weird coincidence ( although i might be wrong ).
7. "accidental" naked upper body:
- She went from her room throught door and stopped infront of door there and changed in a way i could directly saw her
naked body ( didnt looked like random thing - she could also cover and changed in her room before )
7. dressing infront of me:
She came into kitchen and dressed her nylons infront of me , while tell me to tend to find a GF ...
So this were last happenings which worried me , i also heard opinions that this maybe means that i need to find GF , i mean
this behaviour ( although mother knows how hurt i was at my last relationship ).
I find this theory very strange because i dont see logical explanation why would all attention then be on her , if this is
real reason behind that and why would i need learn how to find GF from all those sexually somehow connected situations.
Problem in this relationship is because all is acting like very normal thing and beside that mother is kinda controlling
my life ... like nothing is ok , always is something wrong , in a way this is psychically hard for me , and with last
happenings that is even harder , because i dont know real reason for such behaviour.
In a way all happenings could look also like her sexuall desires for myself and that she is just masking all with those
like "normal" events.
One the end i would just like to ask 2 questions:
- is this typical covert incest desire / behaviour or there is possible way of explanation ?
( which has nothing to do with this )
- does covert incest parent really wants sexuall intercourse or this is just way of controlling
and manipulating the child ?
Thank you in advance for answers , which will help me to live better with knowing what is really happening around me, i wish
nice weekend to all , M.
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Post by portlander on Apr 25, 2008 10:39:14 GMT -8
One the end i would just like to ask 2 questions: - is this typical covert incest desire / behaviour or there is possible way of explanation ? ( which has nothing to do with this ) - does covert incest parent really wants sexuall intercourse or this is just way of controlling and manipulating the child ? Regarding the first question, YES this is typical. Very typical. There seems to be two main "branches" (if that's the right word) of CI behaviour. In one branch, the parent uses mostly emotional pressure as the hook to enmesh themselves. I.e., I need your help, I can't get by without you, etc. There may be little of no nudity or sexuality involved. The parent is using the child to fill the emotional, if not the sexual, role of a spouse. In the other branch, the focus is on nudity and/or implied sexuality rather than emotional dependency. And of course, there's frequently an intermingling of the two. Regarding the second question, I think NO, sexual intercourse is not the goal. At least not in my case. In my case, my stepmother did many of the things you describe: walking around in underwear and or revealing clothing (or less), "accidental" exposure, walking in on me bathroom or bedroom, etc. As time went on, she got bolder and more explicit but there seemed to always be a line she wouldn't cross. At the peak of her behaviour, the thing she finally got "busted" for when I was 15, was this: One evening I was sitting on the couch, leaning forward watching TV. She comes into the TV room wearing a housecoat with nothing underneath and zipped all the way down in the back so her bare butt was showing. As if this wasn't enough, she bends over right in front of me to pick up something off the floor and shoves her butt right in my face; If I hadn't reflexively jerked back, I think my nose would have touched her labia. Over the prior year, she'd been increasing doing "accidental" exposures in front of me in the presence of my dad although not nearly as explicitly. This time he'd finally had enough. He'd been sitting in a La-Z-boy on the other side of the TV room reading a magazine. I guess when I jerked back it caught his attention. But all through these various incidents over the years, I never once got the feeling that she was after intercourse with me. In fact, I remember having the distinct impression that if I had taken the cue and tried to kick it up to the next level then all hell would have broken loose. I don't know how I knew this, but I definitely remember having that distinct impression. I suspect that by always staying just short of actual intercourse, she could tell herself that she wasn't doing anything wrong or harmful to me. |
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Post by seayshore on Apr 25, 2008 15:01:04 GMT -8
I suspect that by always staying just short of actual intercourse, she could tell herself that she wasn't doing anything wrong or harmful to me. (quote)
I agree with that, it was always all the other things, the building of sexual tension that was more exciting (it seemed) I flat out asked my step father one night if he wanted to have sex in the living room floor since every one was asleep when I came home from a date and found him naked with an erection sitting on the family room couch. Oh no, he didn't want that...it would kill your mother he said. I'm getting sick....
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Post by portlander on Apr 25, 2008 15:30:05 GMT -8
I used to sometimes wonder - and dare I say it, even fantasize - about what would have happened if my stepmom HAD gone that extra step. And it used to bother me that I had those thoughts.
I'd like to think that I would have restrained myself - not because she was my stepmom but out of respect for my dad because she was his wife. But would I really have been able to handle it ? I don't know, I just don't know. A kid of that age should never be put into the position of having to even consider the possibility.
Of course in my case, the other part of the equation was that when she wasn't making nice to me and doing these sort of things, she was an absolute b-tch to be around. And she could switch between nice and b-tch in the blink of an eye, in an almost bipolar or borderline sort of way.
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Post by omg200 on Apr 25, 2008 21:13:59 GMT -8
Hello , i understand now that my instincts were right in my case ... about behaviour pattern when changing from nice person to b-tch is same ( a clear mental disorder ) , about "like accidental nudity" and tease part i can just say that those individuals are real actors in their "branches" ... masters of disquising ...
They wanna create feeling like nothing is really there ...
What i still dont understand is WHY they are doing this if sex isnt real goal , if i understand here is all about having child in their posession , because they are scared they will loose.
or something in this correlation.
Like showing inner fear , that is at least how i see things ... and this is this abuse thing , because they in reality manipulate with person although they maybe arent aware of consequences... M.
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Post by portlander on Apr 26, 2008 9:23:16 GMT -8
What i still don't understand is WHY they are doing this if sex isn't real goal , if I understand here is all about having child in their possession , because they are scared they will loose. or something in this correlation. Well, the WHY of it is the biggest thing that has troubled me all these years, and I'm still not sure I have the whole answer. I've considered several theories, some of which we've discussed on this board: - She was "regressing" to a more carefree time when I was younger and it would have been more okay to be naked in front of me.
(There may be a LOT of truth to this. Even to this day, she swings between acting like I'm an adult and acting like I'm an 8-year old. What's really weird is, she'll starting acting like I'm an 8-year old and I'll start feeling like an 8 year old)[/li][/ul] - She was molested or otherwise victimized when she was that age. By re-creating the situation with me as the victim and herself in control, she can make the situation end "better" for me than it did for her. This might put her own demons to rest by re-creating it as a "not-so-bad" thing.
(This is F'ed up and twisted. But it's SO F'ed up that it just might be applicable.)[/li][/ul] - Maybe just the opposite? Maybe she WASN'T sexualized as a teenager and somehow thinks she "missed" something and is trying to vicariously re-live it through me? And by not having been sexualized herself, she didn't grasp the harm it could do me.
(Slightly less likely than the above, I think, but I can't exclude it)[/li][/ul] - She was just trying to yank my dad's chain and get a response out of him.
(There was probably a large part of this towards the end, but I don't think it was a factor at the beginning)[/li][/ul] - My wife's theory: She was trying to "Bait" me into making a move, to get me into trouble with my dad.
(That seems awful risky, but she WAS devious and cunning enough to think like that. It might explain a couple things but not everything)[/li][/ul] - She was covertly rebelling against the "church lady" face that she had to wear in public because of our social standing - she inwardly really wanted to be a nudist/exhibitionist, and in front of me was her only opportunity.
(Maybe. She always really "played the role" of church-lady to a 'T' in public. But I've seen so much of her B-tch face that I just can't take her Church face seriously. Plus, she'd always be the first to publicly and strongly condemn any else's immodesty, to the extent that it reminds me of the line from act 3 of Hamlet: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks") [/li][/ul]Could be any of these. Or maybe a mixture of several or all. Or maybe some other factor that we haven't yet considered. |
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Post by eric on Dec 24, 2008 11:40:02 GMT -8
Hi there I found many simularities in my life with my mom, so were is the healing where do we go from now Eric
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