|
|
Post by sadnesseen on Sept 30, 2007 12:07:18 GMT -8
It has been going on for decades [ covert incest ]. I recently remembered everything 5 years ago. Long story short : I lived in my parents bedroom for over 9 years. My sister and brother had their own bedrooms. My sister left for college in 1964 [ I was 4 years old ]. I never got her bedroom until I was 9 1/2 years old. I slept in a bed in the corner of my parents bedroom. How sick is that? My father slept in the cellar most of the time. My mother made me her husband since I was born. My brother and sister deny anything bad happened to me. My sister said maybe I was just afraid of the dark. My brother stays aloof and disconnected. My mother blames me for being sick with high fevers. My wife has been helping me through this for the last 5 years. But I am mentally damaged and destroyed from what my mother, and father/sister/brother did to me. Difficult to come to terms with.
|
|
|
|
Post by seayshore on Oct 1, 2007 16:54:00 GMT -8
Welcome to the group!
|
|
|
|
Post by sadnesseen on Oct 1, 2007 19:23:02 GMT -8
Thank you. These issues are very painful and very difficult for me to deal with. I blocked out my childhood abuse for so long. Even though no sexual abuse took place, it felt weird living in my parents bedroom. Especially since my sisters bedroom was empty since 1964 when I was 4 years old. A child should have his own bedroom at 2 or 3 years old in my opinion! The thing is, I can't change what happened to me. But now, at 47 years of age, I'm trying to let go of it. But its very very difficult. I guess I must have coped with it over the years by making people laugh, taking drugs and being obsessed with music and songwriting. But for decades I've suffered with severe bouts of anxiety and depression, suicidal thoughts and self destructive behavior. Sometimes cutting myself to release stress, taking pain medication to relieve my pain etc. It actually makes me physically sick to think that I lived in my parents bedroom for most of my childhood. I can only imagine why : my mother didn't want to have sex with my father anymore. She used me as her new husband, her sounding board, her soldier to fight against my father. And so on. But still, I allowed this sick pattern to go on for decades. I was true to my parents needs. I had my own life and friends, but I finally moved out of their house when I was 28. After my relationship with a woman I thought I was in love with ended, I moved right back in 3 years later. Became their caretaker. Moving back into their house was like moving into their bedroom all over again. Luckily, I married the woman of my dreams and moved out again in 1997, only to be constantly bothered and manipulated by my mother. And my father was her partner in crime. I existed for THEM first, according to my parents. My wife is even traumatized by my mother dumping/complaining about my father to her every time we went there, which was usually 3 times a week. Thats right. We live in the same town becuase I didn't want to leave my parents because they were old. The one great thing about me moving back to this town was I was able to finally have the relationship with my father I never had. He died 3 years ago, and I think after he died, all this hatred and rage toward my mother surfaced.
But sometimes they DID get along. But it was always different. I never knew what to expect. I wish I died at birth so they would never get a chance to do what they did to me. It was never validated either. My mother somehow even tried to blame me for not having my own bedroom whenever I confronted her about it for the past few years. The thing is, shes 85 now. So I feel sorry for her. If only I dealt with this stuff 20 years ago... But either way, it is beyond disgusting. Bottom line : I was never raised to BE anything, not an individual, just a bit player in their sick twisted marraige. But all of this rambling, its just a tiny piece of a very very sick puzzle. As much as I feel sorry for them, I don't think I can ever forgive them for what they did to me. And that includes the emotional and verbal abuse I constantly got from my sister. She also thinks I should live for THEM and only for THEM. She refuses to admit living in their bedroom was bad and that I wasn't as abused as much as she was.
But I don't have any connections with her whatsoever. She has been dead to me for quite some time. My mother I still see every few weeks. Its difficult because I feel ill when I visit her, I feel sorry for her because shes old but....it's very confusing. After all, I never wanted to be her husband. Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations. I've been having a very hard time coming to terms with this stuff. I WISH I COULD JUST FORGET ALL ABOUT IT!
|
|
|
|
Post by tulipa on Oct 1, 2007 20:52:01 GMT -8
Hello Sadnesseen, This is a great place to vent your frustrations best thing about it is the members here understand what it is you are going through and how difficult it is to heal and find a way out of it really.
I can totally relate to your statement "I WISH I COULD JUST FORGET ALL ABOUT IT" ... shame we can't really since we did nothing wrong but have to deal with all the fall out. And i'm guessing like me you can't just forget about it no matter how hard you try because in one way or another it affects you ie. depression, sickness etc.
I can also relate to what you said about blaming yourself for allowing the situation to continue on long after you feel at an age where you should be able to cut it off do what is necessary to change things I do this a lot because I was at an age where I could have left home and got out of the situation I was in, but its not easy not in anyway and I don't know if we should even be blaming ourselves for our own sick parent's behaviour...
I hope you find a way of dealing with your problems, and its great you have a supportive wife
I was only musing about relationships today and how many people who are victims/survivours of covert incest have decent realtionships....
Take care Tulipa
|
|
|
|
Post by sadnesseen on Oct 2, 2007 19:27:36 GMT -8
Thanks, I guess it's a struggle for everyone going through this kind of thing. I'm trying to let go of guilt, hatred, rage and anger. Needless to say, it isn't easy. But I am trying. It's been a weird few days...when I found the covert incest page and I read it, I cried and had a sickening anxiety attack. My body shook in fear and disgust. I hope it doesn't happen again. It scared me.
But anyway, it is so helpful to see that I am not alone in this experience. To be reminded of the fact that others go through these things make me a little less self absorbed. Thanks again for sharing that with me.
|
|
|
|
Post by angelajane on Oct 7, 2007 13:08:05 GMT -8
How proud your wife must be of you that you have begun to deal with this....so you can look at it, then get rid of it and go out and enjoy your life. Sadly my husband is still in denial.
|
|
|
|
Post by sadnesseen on Oct 14, 2007 10:55:49 GMT -8
Yes, I was in denial for so many years. My wife helped me see things that were difficult for me to admit even though I already knew I grew up in an incredibly sick family. Then once I saw the twisted sickness of the family I grew up in, it was extremely overwhelming. I need to take care of myself and my needs first and foremost. Because I was used and abused for decades, I have absolutely nothing to give that family I grew up in. I should have cut off from them decades ago but now is better than never.
|
|
|
|
Post by tulipa on Oct 14, 2007 19:13:27 GMT -8
Thats why we have the defence mechanism of denial to help us cope not always a healthy way but it is overwhelming I agree. One thing I hope you don't feel is guilty for cutting them off so you can take the time to heal and put yourself first and your needs I hope you find a way of doing this and I hope healing comes your way .....
|
|
|
|
Post by sadnesseen on Oct 19, 2007 21:04:00 GMT -8
To read these words from all different people is overwhelming and extremely helpful. I never quite found so much understanding, inner wisdom and insight being shared. Seems to be working better than the therapist I see right now. And speaking of cutting off from my family, I just spoke to my mother today. It's difficult, but I try to call once or twice a week. I try to visit a few times a month. Sometimes I just seem to get depressed when I go there so I can't go too often. I just feel so bad my mother is 85 now, and she can't get around too well. I wish she would live with women her age or in a senoir community. I think its just sad she lives alone in that house. So the bottom line is : Regardless of what devastating psychological damage she has done to me, I feel sorry for her and feel bad she has to suffer with all those pains of being 85.
So...its hard to cut off from family when you live in the same town. More is expected of me, but that has also destroyed me somewhat. My sister and brother live hours and hours away, so they have a buffer zone. My only hope would be moving as far as possible. If we had the money, we would do that. But that hope has been dashed for 10 years now. We're stuck. So, its easy to be cut off from my sister and brother. Though my brother I will talk to sometimes, I will never talk to my sister again. But since my father died, it does seem harder to visit my mother. I really wish my father was there. I'm not sure she ever really loved him.
I really want my father to be there, but he's been dead for 3 years so it's highly unlikely he'll be showing up anytime soon.
I must really miss my father still, after all.
|
|
|
|
Post by sadnesseen on Nov 4, 2007 10:50:27 GMT -8
Wow. My therapist helped me take my inner child out of my parents bedroom where I grew up. Pretty intense. I never realized therapy can work so well in resolving these traumatic events. But I think it worked, partly because I was VERY ready to reassemble my brain regarding past traumas and partly because I have a therapist that knows how to do this.
Now...where do I go from here I wonder?
|
|
|
|
Post by seayshore on Nov 5, 2007 20:20:08 GMT -8
....forward. Thank you for sharing.
|
|
|
|
Post by nickatnite on Nov 9, 2007 7:22:07 GMT -8
But I am mentally damaged and destroyed from what my mother, and father/sister/brother did to me. Difficult to come to terms with.
Just these 2 lines is necessary enough to make yourself realize that you have a chance to survive .
Trust me I have . Because i knew i was " f**k##ed" , Everything was looking so vague for me , but now i am picking up . Trust me you can too . You need to believe in yourself , you wanna know why ? because life is short and you only live once.
"Just once"
|
|
|
|
Post by sadnesseen on Nov 18, 2007 9:33:17 GMT -8
That makes me think : I've always maybe knew how to survive. Maybe I just never knew quite how to live? Not sure. I just wish I didn't have to think of the past every single day.
|
|
|
|
Post by tulipa on Nov 18, 2007 22:44:14 GMT -8
wow thats me I survive most of the time but what about living  ?? I ask myself constantly this question what is it to live..... to be happy to be normal ...... Life is short thats for sure ...... |
|
|
|
Post by sadnesseen on Nov 19, 2007 20:47:57 GMT -8
Well I wish I can count my blessings more as the old cliche goes. But its hard to count your blessings when you've been cursed with a toxic family I suppose. Its a day to day struggle.
My biggest problem is I still stay connected to my mother even though she is severely toxic to me. When I say connected, I mean I call or visit her twice a month. My bitterness, resentment and rage never goes away. I may have to totally disconnect even though I may feel guilty if she dies and I never speak to her again. Its very conflicting and very frustrating to not really know WHAT to do. Maybe the things she says now still trigger the same old toxic junk. And with the holidays coming up, I DO NOT want to visit her. Why can't I take care of ME first? SHE certainly never did.
|
|
