Post by sadie on Mar 3, 2016 8:12:12 GMT -8
Hi.
I feel kinda silly writing here, since i just minutes ago came across the term covert abuse, and still feel like I might be overreacting.
I'm divorced from the most wonderful man in the world becouse sexual grattification has always been an issue for me. I've always had the feeling like it was never enough, and that i couldn't let my self go. My ex has anxiety issues and together the issues got to be too much to handle. After our devorce i fell in to the habbit of using sex with random strangers for comfort. Often when being drunk out of my mind. I told myself i was just catching up on lost time, but it never really stoped or helped. I always felt selfdisgust and shame afterwards. I kept upping the anti to try and reach grattification. Once i had sex with a good friend of mine on him and his pregnant wife's 10 year aniversary. Once i woke up after a one nighter covered head to toe in bruising after being spanked so hard. Always I've felt horrible and as a filthy human being after. Several times I've tried to "quit" the habbit. It's resulted in me using masturbation and internet porn as a crutch in stead. Again followed by shame and disgratification. It seemed so Strange to me, that even though i was aware of this, I was unable to stop. I've recently joined sex and love addicts anonimous, but still feel to ashamed to talk to a therapist. I keep telling myself that there's nothing really wrong with me.
And then i came across this term, covert abuse. Something fell in to place.
My parents divorced when i was about ten years old, but had been apart on and off for years before that. My mom had a severe alcohol problem and was in Rehab twice. I've always felt slightly uncomfortable being alone with my dad, even though he never touched me in any way. We would only be with my dad in the weekends, and i remember the tired cuddly look he would get in his eyes when he too Got too much to drink. I've always conciddered our family sexually liberal, I've showered with both my parents being litteraly in direct eyesight of their genitals. My dad had pornography in the bathroom as long back as i remember and it is through that pornography that i Got aquinted with sex. He would also comment on my body when i was in a swimsuit, telling me i should work out, couse he thought i looked unhealthy, despite always having been slim. I remember there being a stripper at my moms 40th birthday when i was 7 years old. It's been a family with sexual teasing, such as very adult joke telling. I remember a summer with my dad, uncle and smaller brother. My uncle set up an issue of a porn magazine as decoration during lunch, couse it was funny to him and my dad how uncomfortable it made me and my brother. I've always thought it was a natural part of growing up, but i now see that it's made me somewhat distant to my own sexuality. It hasn't felt like "mine" , more like belonging to whomever felt like claiming it.
I'm afraid that i might be guilty of abuse myself. I don't have any kids, but i remember growing up, i would engage in fights with my brother for fun. For some reason i knew that the genital area was a sore spot for him, and pinching him really hard there would often really effectively end the fight with me the winner. My brother has his own share of issues, and I'm afraid I've contributed to Them.
I feel so much shame, all around. And I'm so horribly lonely. I hope this Can be the first step towards recovery.
I feel kinda silly writing here, since i just minutes ago came across the term covert abuse, and still feel like I might be overreacting.
I'm divorced from the most wonderful man in the world becouse sexual grattification has always been an issue for me. I've always had the feeling like it was never enough, and that i couldn't let my self go. My ex has anxiety issues and together the issues got to be too much to handle. After our devorce i fell in to the habbit of using sex with random strangers for comfort. Often when being drunk out of my mind. I told myself i was just catching up on lost time, but it never really stoped or helped. I always felt selfdisgust and shame afterwards. I kept upping the anti to try and reach grattification. Once i had sex with a good friend of mine on him and his pregnant wife's 10 year aniversary. Once i woke up after a one nighter covered head to toe in bruising after being spanked so hard. Always I've felt horrible and as a filthy human being after. Several times I've tried to "quit" the habbit. It's resulted in me using masturbation and internet porn as a crutch in stead. Again followed by shame and disgratification. It seemed so Strange to me, that even though i was aware of this, I was unable to stop. I've recently joined sex and love addicts anonimous, but still feel to ashamed to talk to a therapist. I keep telling myself that there's nothing really wrong with me.
And then i came across this term, covert abuse. Something fell in to place.
My parents divorced when i was about ten years old, but had been apart on and off for years before that. My mom had a severe alcohol problem and was in Rehab twice. I've always felt slightly uncomfortable being alone with my dad, even though he never touched me in any way. We would only be with my dad in the weekends, and i remember the tired cuddly look he would get in his eyes when he too Got too much to drink. I've always conciddered our family sexually liberal, I've showered with both my parents being litteraly in direct eyesight of their genitals. My dad had pornography in the bathroom as long back as i remember and it is through that pornography that i Got aquinted with sex. He would also comment on my body when i was in a swimsuit, telling me i should work out, couse he thought i looked unhealthy, despite always having been slim. I remember there being a stripper at my moms 40th birthday when i was 7 years old. It's been a family with sexual teasing, such as very adult joke telling. I remember a summer with my dad, uncle and smaller brother. My uncle set up an issue of a porn magazine as decoration during lunch, couse it was funny to him and my dad how uncomfortable it made me and my brother. I've always thought it was a natural part of growing up, but i now see that it's made me somewhat distant to my own sexuality. It hasn't felt like "mine" , more like belonging to whomever felt like claiming it.
I'm afraid that i might be guilty of abuse myself. I don't have any kids, but i remember growing up, i would engage in fights with my brother for fun. For some reason i knew that the genital area was a sore spot for him, and pinching him really hard there would often really effectively end the fight with me the winner. My brother has his own share of issues, and I'm afraid I've contributed to Them.
I feel so much shame, all around. And I'm so horribly lonely. I hope this Can be the first step towards recovery.