Post by stillscared on Jul 21, 2015 20:49:08 GMT -8
My father was and is to this day a very abusive man. Mostly psychological and some physical. He and my mother are still together. I spent the majority of my childhood in constant despair and terror. Both of my parents have done and said things (other than touching) that would be considered inappropriate. Mom because she was lonely. Dad because he wanted to hurt, humiliate and shame me.
I begged my mother for help. She in turn gaslit me, emotionally blackmailed me, told me all kinds of terrible things to keep me from seeking help. I was taught not to seek trust, love or any kind of relationship outside of the family. Anything to keep our secret. In short, my mother and I relied heavily on each other for emotional support and survival over the majority of my childhood. She has suffered emotional abuse at the hands of several people her whole life. Despite her shortcomings, she is a beautiful person. I wanted her to know that I love her and I love her because she is so deserving of love. I have often felt that she is the only person who loves me. Yet, she chooses this relationship with my father to her detriment - and to her children's. As a kid, I always tried to protect her when my father went after her. Someone needed to try to protect someone. She didn't feel she could protect me.
I have a sister several years older than me, but she got out and away as soon as she could. She is very distant. I only really started to understand recently. I tried to get away without abandoning my family. My father has had his own problems. My parents tried the best they could. I went through years of therapy to try to heal from the depression, PTSD, low self esteem, etc. Once in my mid 20s, I realized I might not learn how to make real relationships of my own. I told my mom "I love you, but I know now that being in this abusive marriage is your choice. A close relationship with you means I end up intermittently being abused by dad and abandoned by you because of his instructions at the drop of a hat."
In one way, she always told me her relationship with her husband was more important than any other. But then she'd beg me not to "leave her" as I am "all she has" emotionally. After everything, I could not bear to hurt her. She was all I had too. I convinced myself to stick with my family because of my parents good qualities. I knew I would still have to take some abuse. My father at least uses my depression as proof I am sick and troubled. Proof that he does nothing wrong.
I figured I had moved to big cities, graduated serious higher education, found some career success - I could "do this." I had found some pretty nice friends. I thought I'd eventually heal more and improve my life. Find my own partner.
10 years later, it was still mom and me. I did not figure out how to be there for her and find a partner of my own. I'm now going through one of the darkest times because of personal and career issues. For the first time in 15 years, I'm suicidal. My father has convinced my mother not to talk to me at all. He has access to her phone, email and so on. I see this would have to happen but it is the worst time. I wish it happened when I was doing okay and had more hope.
I literally have no one to confide in but a therapist i cannot see regularly because of my job. I wish i had the courage and strength to pull away from her when i still had a chance of finding my own partner. Continuing to submit to abuse all those years, it didn't matter how much therapy I did or how much else I accomplished.
I'm still depressed and suffer from low self esteem and mild paranoia and PTSD. My eating disorders have gone from anorexia and bulimia to overeating. My struggle to control emotions makes me fear I might have developed a personality disorder. Despite my friendly appearance, I show some avoidant characteristics. I've never had a serious romantic relationship. I think I probably won't and that I will not get the chance to be a mother.
This is the time of life when everyone is pretty settled and preoccupied with their own partners and families. There is no way to practice trying to develop deep relationships where you can count on someone. I have no confidant. And I am scared. I feel I wasted my life and like there's still so much to get through all alone.
I'm devastated. I don't know how I'm going to start over alone. I have terrific friends but they are busy. I wanted so badly to have a partner. I spent so much time feeling responsible for my mother. No one will want to give someone like me a chance. I don't know how to make myself vulnerable but not turn people off or fall prey to other abusers (my usual pattern).
Does anyone find a way to get through this and find a loving partner who will give them a chance? Everyone I know has lost hope that I will find that. I think I've pretty much given up. I've learned a job is a job. Money mostly goes for me than it comes. Friends are really busy. Youth and beauty goes. Hobbies can be a healthy escape/opportunity for me time if you have a partner/family. But after a while, they're just a distraction that can only distract so much.
I don't want to live anymore but I don't know how to kill myself, tie up loose ends and maintain some sort of dignity. I feel so deficient. I've always dreamed of the day I would have a healthy, appropriate partnership with someone - raising a healthy family. I don't even know if it's worth asking, is there hope?
I begged my mother for help. She in turn gaslit me, emotionally blackmailed me, told me all kinds of terrible things to keep me from seeking help. I was taught not to seek trust, love or any kind of relationship outside of the family. Anything to keep our secret. In short, my mother and I relied heavily on each other for emotional support and survival over the majority of my childhood. She has suffered emotional abuse at the hands of several people her whole life. Despite her shortcomings, she is a beautiful person. I wanted her to know that I love her and I love her because she is so deserving of love. I have often felt that she is the only person who loves me. Yet, she chooses this relationship with my father to her detriment - and to her children's. As a kid, I always tried to protect her when my father went after her. Someone needed to try to protect someone. She didn't feel she could protect me.
I have a sister several years older than me, but she got out and away as soon as she could. She is very distant. I only really started to understand recently. I tried to get away without abandoning my family. My father has had his own problems. My parents tried the best they could. I went through years of therapy to try to heal from the depression, PTSD, low self esteem, etc. Once in my mid 20s, I realized I might not learn how to make real relationships of my own. I told my mom "I love you, but I know now that being in this abusive marriage is your choice. A close relationship with you means I end up intermittently being abused by dad and abandoned by you because of his instructions at the drop of a hat."
In one way, she always told me her relationship with her husband was more important than any other. But then she'd beg me not to "leave her" as I am "all she has" emotionally. After everything, I could not bear to hurt her. She was all I had too. I convinced myself to stick with my family because of my parents good qualities. I knew I would still have to take some abuse. My father at least uses my depression as proof I am sick and troubled. Proof that he does nothing wrong.
I figured I had moved to big cities, graduated serious higher education, found some career success - I could "do this." I had found some pretty nice friends. I thought I'd eventually heal more and improve my life. Find my own partner.
10 years later, it was still mom and me. I did not figure out how to be there for her and find a partner of my own. I'm now going through one of the darkest times because of personal and career issues. For the first time in 15 years, I'm suicidal. My father has convinced my mother not to talk to me at all. He has access to her phone, email and so on. I see this would have to happen but it is the worst time. I wish it happened when I was doing okay and had more hope.
I literally have no one to confide in but a therapist i cannot see regularly because of my job. I wish i had the courage and strength to pull away from her when i still had a chance of finding my own partner. Continuing to submit to abuse all those years, it didn't matter how much therapy I did or how much else I accomplished.
I'm still depressed and suffer from low self esteem and mild paranoia and PTSD. My eating disorders have gone from anorexia and bulimia to overeating. My struggle to control emotions makes me fear I might have developed a personality disorder. Despite my friendly appearance, I show some avoidant characteristics. I've never had a serious romantic relationship. I think I probably won't and that I will not get the chance to be a mother.
This is the time of life when everyone is pretty settled and preoccupied with their own partners and families. There is no way to practice trying to develop deep relationships where you can count on someone. I have no confidant. And I am scared. I feel I wasted my life and like there's still so much to get through all alone.
I'm devastated. I don't know how I'm going to start over alone. I have terrific friends but they are busy. I wanted so badly to have a partner. I spent so much time feeling responsible for my mother. No one will want to give someone like me a chance. I don't know how to make myself vulnerable but not turn people off or fall prey to other abusers (my usual pattern).
Does anyone find a way to get through this and find a loving partner who will give them a chance? Everyone I know has lost hope that I will find that. I think I've pretty much given up. I've learned a job is a job. Money mostly goes for me than it comes. Friends are really busy. Youth and beauty goes. Hobbies can be a healthy escape/opportunity for me time if you have a partner/family. But after a while, they're just a distraction that can only distract so much.
I don't want to live anymore but I don't know how to kill myself, tie up loose ends and maintain some sort of dignity. I feel so deficient. I've always dreamed of the day I would have a healthy, appropriate partnership with someone - raising a healthy family. I don't even know if it's worth asking, is there hope?