Post by robert3070 on May 30, 2015 12:00:36 GMT -8
This is a new one for me. I have never discussed my personal issues on line with people I don't even know exist. I guess it's time to come into the 21st century.
As many of the posters put into their threads, I have similar issues in my past. I grew up with parents who divorced when I was 13 and spent most of my teenage years living with my mother. I did live with my father for some time, but ended up back with my mother for various reasons. Before the divorce, they had problems, but for me, it was just a sad situation that I had hoped would get better. It never did and they divorced.
My mother seemed to have a very unusual relationship with my father. She even called him Daddy as we were growing up, rather than by his first name or some other typical pet name. She says that was for the sake of the children, but she even called him that when the children were not around. So I'm told by my father anyway. After the divorce, my mother would constantly tell us how devastated she was and this was the worse thing to happen to her. She would constantly dwell on the fact that they met in high school and he (My dad) was her best friend and other things. She told us that although we lost our father (he left and was unavailable for many years after the divorce) we have no idea what she was going through. She said it was much worse for her than for us. A statement I simply could never understand. This was her husband and although I understand she was hurt, it is certainly much worse loosing your father! She basically denied all of us children the right to grieve the loss of our father. Although he wasn't dead, it was almost as though he was since he was not around anymore.
As time went on my mother had dated a little bit, she started hanging out with some strange people and got into some drug use. During that time, she decided she didn't need a man anymore. I was probably 14 by then. I still remember nearly every night, she would call us kids into her room and ask us to give her back rubs. She would be nearly naked and play the guilt trip on us if we didn't want to do it. My sisters were a bit smarter than me and would both vanish at the first sign mom wanted her stupid back rub. They had no interest in helping her and would go so far as to tell her NO! Were not your slaves! Stupid me felt bad for her and endured the experience which I hated. It was night after night and just ridiculous. This went on until I finally moved out at 18. As time went on, she would want to tell me all of her problems. She used to refer to my sisters as the "Kids". They were 4 years younger than me, but hardly young enough for me to call them kids. I hated that reference and constantly reminded my mother, they aren't my kids, they are my sisters. I have never had children with you. My mother would laugh and say I'm being silly. It's just her way of describing them. I also remember as I got older and started to have an interest in girls. My mother would have something negative to say about each one. One girl I liked was form New York and had an accent. We were in CA and she had just moved here. For some reason she took a liking to me and I was pretty happy about it. My mother made sure I felt guilty for liking this girl. She didn't try to prohibit me dating her, since she knew I would do it anyway, but she constantly told me how girls from New York are terrible and she just wants you to get her pregnant so she can get support from you. Remember I'm 16....I think mom was a bit wacked at this time. Eventually the guilt got to me and I stopped giving this girl much attention and whatever we had disappeared. Maybe another year or so later, I met another girl. She was local but my mom had all kinds of insults about her as well. That didn't last either. My mother said several times, you would rather spend time with these girls than me because you hope to (four letter curse word to describe sex) them. That's more important to you than helping your poor old mother out. I was sickened by that statement and told my mother she is being sick. Why the hell would my mother be jealous of me having sex with a girl. I'm not going to live with you forever and I hope to get married someday and yes sex will be part of my life! It was like my mother wanted to compete with the women I had desires for.
There were many other bizzare things my mother did. One of my sisters began staying with her friend more than at home. Our mother would call her a slut and a whore because she didn't want to be at home. I always thought my sister was being mistreated but my mom would say she out all night, you know she sleeping around. I was about 18 so my sister would have been 14. I know my 14 year old sister wasn't sleeping around in the early 1980s. She just hated living with our mother. Im sure my sisters had their issues as well and I can't say they weren't affected as badly or even worse. I can only speak for myself.
After leaving the house just after my 18th birthday, I tried to break all ties with my mother. It didn't work and she still tried to get me to come over or she would want to come over to my apartment. Again doing the same stupid things like asking for back rubs while nearly naked and talking about her problems with the "Kids". Again as if I should look at my sisters who are not much younger than me as "The Kids". It was disgusting. My sisters had both moved 400 miles away to the city I was thinking of. However I didn't have a job there to go to, so I couldn't leave just yet. Shortly after they moved, I was offered a job in that city and I left our home town never looking back. I needed the separation from the life I hated so much. I felt like I would never be able to enjoy myself. Of course I was single and not dating anyone. I was just so relieved to be in my own place and not having to see my mother naked!
I started my life in the new city and things went well. I wanted to find a partner, but it seems every time I would meet a woman I liked I had a problem. I could go up to nearly any woman I was attracted too and make tons of small talk. I'm a pretty talkative guy and I have pretty good confidence. For some reason, as soon as I suggest that we go from friends to dating, I felt like vomiting. I just had this overpowering force making me not ask to take it to the next step. I really thought it was like a phobia. It was amazing, I had a very great job and was admired by many for it. I could endure almost anything, I had no fear of women but the thought of even indicating to a woman I wanted sex just made me feel so guilty it was like I just got caught raping a child. The feeling has always been unbearable. In my entire adult life, all my relationships had to be started by either an aggressive woman who made the first advance, or on line where I never had to look at her and give her some indication that I wanted her sexually. Amazing isn't it. People say it's a fear of rejection. No it isn't. I have no problem being rejected, I simply can't handle the pain, sickness and feeling of being pulled into a tunnel I felt when letting a woman know I am interested in her as more than a friend.
It has been far more of a nightmare than most people can understand. Of course friends want to tell you it's just self confidence. Anyone who has been through this knows its anything but self confidence. It's like a phobia that only happens when my mind knows I'm going to tell her I like her as a woman. I eventually lost my good job due to it. I wanted someone to know I needed help, but I didn't know how to ask for it. I made some mistakes trying to make myself the victim and it got me into some problems with work. I realized later how stupid that was, but when you watch all your friends date, marry and start families and you can't even ask a lady to dinner without wanting to vomit, it's really hard to not give up and try something drastic.
Today I'm nearly 50 years old. I have been married twice, but the first one was on on line meeting where I never had to suggest my desire to her in person, but that marriage failed. My second marriage was to a foreign lady who was the aggressor so I also was able to bypass that feeling I have. Sadly the second one did use me but she got caught before she got herself legal. I loved both of these ladies and I have always tried to be a great husband when I had the chance. Perhaps too much so.
Now that I am divorced again, I still find many woman talking to me, but as soon as I consider asking for her phone number or suggesting dinner, I feel the urge to vomit again. The problem is still there and I wonder if I will ever get past this issue before I die.
Thats my life. Anyone else have anything similar? I imagine counseling would be helpful. I tried that before, but out of 3 different counselors, only one was actually reasonable and tried to work through my problems. The first 2 didn't have a clue. The first one focused on my clothing and told me I needed to dress better as I have shoelaces that have the tie loops hanging off my shoes like a little boy. I think this lady needed a job as a fashion coach, not a therapist. I'm sorry but women dress in many different ways and date guys who do too. That was BS. The next one focused more on my ability to masturbate. It took me 2 lessons to realize this guy was on his own trip. The third one was helpful. Unfortunately I didn't realize what my issue was at the time and we focused on issues with my father. It was he we asked me if I still felt my feelings toward my father were the problem. He said I seemed to have those issues pretty well resolved. He was right, I did. It wasn't for a few years that I actually figured out how much the actions of my mother were really affecting me. I just wasn't in a position to hire a new counselor at that point.
As many of the posters put into their threads, I have similar issues in my past. I grew up with parents who divorced when I was 13 and spent most of my teenage years living with my mother. I did live with my father for some time, but ended up back with my mother for various reasons. Before the divorce, they had problems, but for me, it was just a sad situation that I had hoped would get better. It never did and they divorced.
My mother seemed to have a very unusual relationship with my father. She even called him Daddy as we were growing up, rather than by his first name or some other typical pet name. She says that was for the sake of the children, but she even called him that when the children were not around. So I'm told by my father anyway. After the divorce, my mother would constantly tell us how devastated she was and this was the worse thing to happen to her. She would constantly dwell on the fact that they met in high school and he (My dad) was her best friend and other things. She told us that although we lost our father (he left and was unavailable for many years after the divorce) we have no idea what she was going through. She said it was much worse for her than for us. A statement I simply could never understand. This was her husband and although I understand she was hurt, it is certainly much worse loosing your father! She basically denied all of us children the right to grieve the loss of our father. Although he wasn't dead, it was almost as though he was since he was not around anymore.
As time went on my mother had dated a little bit, she started hanging out with some strange people and got into some drug use. During that time, she decided she didn't need a man anymore. I was probably 14 by then. I still remember nearly every night, she would call us kids into her room and ask us to give her back rubs. She would be nearly naked and play the guilt trip on us if we didn't want to do it. My sisters were a bit smarter than me and would both vanish at the first sign mom wanted her stupid back rub. They had no interest in helping her and would go so far as to tell her NO! Were not your slaves! Stupid me felt bad for her and endured the experience which I hated. It was night after night and just ridiculous. This went on until I finally moved out at 18. As time went on, she would want to tell me all of her problems. She used to refer to my sisters as the "Kids". They were 4 years younger than me, but hardly young enough for me to call them kids. I hated that reference and constantly reminded my mother, they aren't my kids, they are my sisters. I have never had children with you. My mother would laugh and say I'm being silly. It's just her way of describing them. I also remember as I got older and started to have an interest in girls. My mother would have something negative to say about each one. One girl I liked was form New York and had an accent. We were in CA and she had just moved here. For some reason she took a liking to me and I was pretty happy about it. My mother made sure I felt guilty for liking this girl. She didn't try to prohibit me dating her, since she knew I would do it anyway, but she constantly told me how girls from New York are terrible and she just wants you to get her pregnant so she can get support from you. Remember I'm 16....I think mom was a bit wacked at this time. Eventually the guilt got to me and I stopped giving this girl much attention and whatever we had disappeared. Maybe another year or so later, I met another girl. She was local but my mom had all kinds of insults about her as well. That didn't last either. My mother said several times, you would rather spend time with these girls than me because you hope to (four letter curse word to describe sex) them. That's more important to you than helping your poor old mother out. I was sickened by that statement and told my mother she is being sick. Why the hell would my mother be jealous of me having sex with a girl. I'm not going to live with you forever and I hope to get married someday and yes sex will be part of my life! It was like my mother wanted to compete with the women I had desires for.
There were many other bizzare things my mother did. One of my sisters began staying with her friend more than at home. Our mother would call her a slut and a whore because she didn't want to be at home. I always thought my sister was being mistreated but my mom would say she out all night, you know she sleeping around. I was about 18 so my sister would have been 14. I know my 14 year old sister wasn't sleeping around in the early 1980s. She just hated living with our mother. Im sure my sisters had their issues as well and I can't say they weren't affected as badly or even worse. I can only speak for myself.
After leaving the house just after my 18th birthday, I tried to break all ties with my mother. It didn't work and she still tried to get me to come over or she would want to come over to my apartment. Again doing the same stupid things like asking for back rubs while nearly naked and talking about her problems with the "Kids". Again as if I should look at my sisters who are not much younger than me as "The Kids". It was disgusting. My sisters had both moved 400 miles away to the city I was thinking of. However I didn't have a job there to go to, so I couldn't leave just yet. Shortly after they moved, I was offered a job in that city and I left our home town never looking back. I needed the separation from the life I hated so much. I felt like I would never be able to enjoy myself. Of course I was single and not dating anyone. I was just so relieved to be in my own place and not having to see my mother naked!
I started my life in the new city and things went well. I wanted to find a partner, but it seems every time I would meet a woman I liked I had a problem. I could go up to nearly any woman I was attracted too and make tons of small talk. I'm a pretty talkative guy and I have pretty good confidence. For some reason, as soon as I suggest that we go from friends to dating, I felt like vomiting. I just had this overpowering force making me not ask to take it to the next step. I really thought it was like a phobia. It was amazing, I had a very great job and was admired by many for it. I could endure almost anything, I had no fear of women but the thought of even indicating to a woman I wanted sex just made me feel so guilty it was like I just got caught raping a child. The feeling has always been unbearable. In my entire adult life, all my relationships had to be started by either an aggressive woman who made the first advance, or on line where I never had to look at her and give her some indication that I wanted her sexually. Amazing isn't it. People say it's a fear of rejection. No it isn't. I have no problem being rejected, I simply can't handle the pain, sickness and feeling of being pulled into a tunnel I felt when letting a woman know I am interested in her as more than a friend.
It has been far more of a nightmare than most people can understand. Of course friends want to tell you it's just self confidence. Anyone who has been through this knows its anything but self confidence. It's like a phobia that only happens when my mind knows I'm going to tell her I like her as a woman. I eventually lost my good job due to it. I wanted someone to know I needed help, but I didn't know how to ask for it. I made some mistakes trying to make myself the victim and it got me into some problems with work. I realized later how stupid that was, but when you watch all your friends date, marry and start families and you can't even ask a lady to dinner without wanting to vomit, it's really hard to not give up and try something drastic.
Today I'm nearly 50 years old. I have been married twice, but the first one was on on line meeting where I never had to suggest my desire to her in person, but that marriage failed. My second marriage was to a foreign lady who was the aggressor so I also was able to bypass that feeling I have. Sadly the second one did use me but she got caught before she got herself legal. I loved both of these ladies and I have always tried to be a great husband when I had the chance. Perhaps too much so.
Now that I am divorced again, I still find many woman talking to me, but as soon as I consider asking for her phone number or suggesting dinner, I feel the urge to vomit again. The problem is still there and I wonder if I will ever get past this issue before I die.
Thats my life. Anyone else have anything similar? I imagine counseling would be helpful. I tried that before, but out of 3 different counselors, only one was actually reasonable and tried to work through my problems. The first 2 didn't have a clue. The first one focused on my clothing and told me I needed to dress better as I have shoelaces that have the tie loops hanging off my shoes like a little boy. I think this lady needed a job as a fashion coach, not a therapist. I'm sorry but women dress in many different ways and date guys who do too. That was BS. The next one focused more on my ability to masturbate. It took me 2 lessons to realize this guy was on his own trip. The third one was helpful. Unfortunately I didn't realize what my issue was at the time and we focused on issues with my father. It was he we asked me if I still felt my feelings toward my father were the problem. He said I seemed to have those issues pretty well resolved. He was right, I did. It wasn't for a few years that I actually figured out how much the actions of my mother were really affecting me. I just wasn't in a position to hire a new counselor at that point.