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Post by kindm on Mar 1, 2015 18:03:20 GMT -8
I'm not sure where to start, though I feel relieved to have found this discussion forum. Since as long as I can remember, I felt like it was my job as a child to make my mother happy. I lived with her pain and anxiety for a large part of my childhood, became attuned to her needs, and played the "good girl" in order to get my needs met. At the same time, I remember the constant bickering from my father, the belittling, the sexual comments (not necessarily towards me, though)... My mom & dad didn't communicate much and most situations were tense with passive-agressiveness. My mom was emotionally unavailable for any member of the family while my dad turned to me and made me his best friend -- I became caught between his constant criticism and his unconditional love. When I was 12, I became incredibly depressed and contemplated suicide -- my parents were so blind to see me that they never realized the deep pain I was carrying with me. As a teenager, I wanted to grow up quickly and get out of my family house as soon as possible. I rebelled, started drinking & partying, and hung out with older kids. They never asked why, they got angry instead. I went from one abusive relationship to the next, hopelessly recreating my family dynamic. Then, when I was 22 years old, my father and I all of a sudden became best friends again. He would spend hours on the phone with me everyday, talking about my mother behind her back, complaining and being miserable. A few years ago, at age 29, I got sober after almost 15 years of drinking. I stopped talking to him every day. I took my distances. I started thinking back at my childhood and found it much easier to criticize my mother then my "beloved" father. Recently, I moved to a new city on my own. I'm very lonely, so I've been calling home more regularly. I can see my dad relishing in these moments, and I can also feel myself falling back into the claws of his narcissistic personality. I'm so scared that I'll never be able to break free from this relationship. I'm so scared that I'll never be able to break free from this pattern, and have a healthy and loving relationship with a man. I just feel so scared and lonely. But I'm happy I found you.
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Post by Moriji on Nov 24, 2017 12:39:25 GMT -8
I'm not sure where to start, though I feel relieved to have found this discussion forum. Since as long as I can remember, I felt like it was my job as a child to make my mother happy. I lived with her pain and anxiety for a large part of my childhood, became attuned to her needs, and played the "good girl" in order to get my needs met. At the same time, I remember the constant bickering from my father, the belittling, the sexual comments (not necessarily towards me, though)... My mom & dad didn't communicate much and most situations were tense with passive-agressiveness. My mom was emotionally unavailable for any member of the family while my dad turned to me and made me his best friend -- I became caught between his constant criticism and his unconditional love. When I was 12, I became incredibly depressed and contemplated suicide -- my parents were so blind to see me that they never realized the deep pain I was carrying with me. As a teenager, I wanted to grow up quickly and get out of my family house as soon as possible. I rebelled, started drinking & partying, and hung out with older kids. They never asked why, they got angry instead. I went from one abusive relationship to the next, hopelessly recreating my family dynamic. Then, when I was 22 years old, my father and I all of a sudden became best friends again. He would spend hours on the phone with me everyday, talking about my mother behind her back, complaining and being miserable. A few years ago, at age 29, I got sober after almost 15 years of drinking. I stopped talking to him every day. I took my distances. I started thinking back at my childhood and found it much easier to criticize my mother then my "beloved" father. Recently, I moved to a new city on my own. I'm very lonely, so I've been calling home more regularly. I can see my dad relishing in these moments, and I can also feel myself falling back into the claws of his narcissistic personality. I'm so scared that I'll never be able to break free from this relationship. I'm so scared that I'll never be able to break free from this pattern, and have a healthy and loving relationship with a man. I just feel so scared and lonely. But I'm happy I found you. I'm glad you found us too. It can be empowering to read other people's stories and realize that others went through similar experiences.
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