Post by amers on Jan 21, 2015 7:01:28 GMT -8
Almost 50 here. I have done lots of therapy over the years and it wasn't until I read KM Adams book, Silently Seduced - When parents make their children partners - Understanding Covert Incest. that the pieces fell into place. I felt shattered and enlightened all at the same time. There was never anything that was physically sexual that occurred. There were no innuendos. Nothing seemingly wrong except for the completely inappropriate and massive emotional support that my dad expected of me.
When I was 8 my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. With her out of the picture as a spouse, my dad leaned on my older sister for the transactional duties of a spouse (e.g. shopping lists, cleaning duties, etc...) but he came to me for all things emotional. I have memories of him crying on my shoulder telling me at age 10 that he had no money. I was terrified. What could I do? It was such an awful time and I spent many years and lots of money dealing with the abandonment of my mother never thinking that the more egregious act was on my fathers part. He put his own needs before mine, a small child.
Reading all the symptoms and behaviors that Covert Incest Survivors display caused my jaw to drop and heart squeeze painfully. I could connect to every single thought and behavior. It all fit. I'm angry at my dad although I know he was clueless about the impact of what he was doing and probably was a victim himself. I'm pretty pissed that it took so long to figure this out given all the therapy I have done. I'm also so deeply saddened by the loss of innocence and the self destructive behaviors I developed while all the time being a high achiever and taking care of everyone else.
I've never posted anything to any website really. Not even FaceBook. I'm busy, working a lot and it has always felt a waste of time. Now I need to deal with this and this is as good a way as any.
I would like to find a support group but can't bring myself to go to an Incest Survivors group. I know the issues are similar, but I am pretty sure I can't hear about the sexual aspect and not minimize my own experience because I never had that happen. Wow...even ickier. I know the shock will wear off and I will reorient around this new knowledge, probably seek more professional support. Ultimately, I would like to have a good relationship with my dad. Years ago I did do some anger work with him but it now feels like it was the tip of the iceberg. I also know that if I don't find some resolution with him, I will be distant and silently angry until he dies. I know he did the best he could and I owe it to myself to try to find some peace...in time. Not now. I am riding a wave of anger and despair.
When I was 8 my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. With her out of the picture as a spouse, my dad leaned on my older sister for the transactional duties of a spouse (e.g. shopping lists, cleaning duties, etc...) but he came to me for all things emotional. I have memories of him crying on my shoulder telling me at age 10 that he had no money. I was terrified. What could I do? It was such an awful time and I spent many years and lots of money dealing with the abandonment of my mother never thinking that the more egregious act was on my fathers part. He put his own needs before mine, a small child.
Reading all the symptoms and behaviors that Covert Incest Survivors display caused my jaw to drop and heart squeeze painfully. I could connect to every single thought and behavior. It all fit. I'm angry at my dad although I know he was clueless about the impact of what he was doing and probably was a victim himself. I'm pretty pissed that it took so long to figure this out given all the therapy I have done. I'm also so deeply saddened by the loss of innocence and the self destructive behaviors I developed while all the time being a high achiever and taking care of everyone else.
I've never posted anything to any website really. Not even FaceBook. I'm busy, working a lot and it has always felt a waste of time. Now I need to deal with this and this is as good a way as any.
I would like to find a support group but can't bring myself to go to an Incest Survivors group. I know the issues are similar, but I am pretty sure I can't hear about the sexual aspect and not minimize my own experience because I never had that happen. Wow...even ickier. I know the shock will wear off and I will reorient around this new knowledge, probably seek more professional support. Ultimately, I would like to have a good relationship with my dad. Years ago I did do some anger work with him but it now feels like it was the tip of the iceberg. I also know that if I don't find some resolution with him, I will be distant and silently angry until he dies. I know he did the best he could and I owe it to myself to try to find some peace...in time. Not now. I am riding a wave of anger and despair.