No contact with mother, and sister now suffered stroke

[rivercurrents]

Hi folks

I'm glad to have found this place.

I'm just so sad and angry right now...  and simultaneously missing my family, and also not wanting them to ring...

I experienced my childhood as being my mother's emotional spongemop.  We had huge marital type arguments with tears and make up hugs when I was 5.  I agreed with her that my dad was the problem and she was a victim (and that I was the problem and being like 'him' if I disagreed with her about anything).   I used to sit on her lap in front of TV until I was about 13 (I felt icky but did it anyway because I was her 'special' boy).   My sister was the scapegoat and never really got any love.  My room was next to my parents with some of my mother's things in my cupboard, while my sister was right down the end of two hallways away from the rest of us.

My sister developed eating disorders, extreme jogging, alcohol and smoking, drugs, and is underweight.

This mother's day I invited my mother over and it was a disaster,  she complained about everything including my parenting, ignored me and my wife and kids and the whole time went on and on about herself and how wise and happy she is (clearly not).

I spoke how I didn't like the way she was being with me and she drove off in a huff.

Then followed some emails where first she acknowledged her mistakes and then later a sickly poem where she minimized her problem all away again.  Then I unpacked her poem and she replied WHATEVER!  and I never heard since...

Then I think she must have started offloading on my sister (her next target).  Sadly last month a week before her 42 birthday she suffered a serious brain hemorrhage and now she has trouble speaking and is paralyzed on her right side.

My dad died of strokes which started when I was 19, and I was the only person to care for him for 6 months while he was visiting Austria (I left NZ for Europe at 19).  I developed a fear of stroke that even now at 39 is still with me.  And now the same thing has happened to my sister.   I believe my mother caused (indirectly) both dad's and her stroke, and if I don't manage my stress levels and my life and relationships etc I feel I will be next.

I am literally terrified of the phone going.   Tomorrow is my daughter's 7th birthday.   No doubt they may both ring to wish her happy birthday and I don't want to answer the phone.   I don't want to slip back into being the caregiver of my mother, or my sister....    My mother scares me because I still don't feel strong and confident to be myself and not slip into carrying her when she rings (I still have nightmares I'm in my childhood home and my mother is overpowering me and pushing me down or out of the house if I try to stand up to her), and being reminded of my sister's brain injury scares me especially since dad's stroke and my fears of stroke..  and now I'm afraid to exercise or lift weights, and every headache terrifies me into a state of panic and I can't relax or sleep well without waking up screaming that I'm having a brain hemorrhage charging round the house in panic.  My wife thinks it's funny but she has no idea the terror I am experiencing.

My question to anyone here is, am I being wise in avoiding contact with my mother and limiting contact with my sister right now?   Are these fears things I should face or protect myself from?   My marriage is hard too.   My wife has emotional problems and she needs me a LOT so I don't have a lot of spare resources to go round.  She is pregnant with soon to be her first child.

Thanks for listening.


Here is the sickly sweet poem my mother wrote to me a few months back.



TO DEAR ******.



I’m pained when you hurt son and need you to know

I may disappoint you but do love you so.

What’s past has now long gone – as I will be too

in time, so what’s precious is contact anew.



God knows how I tried with the knowledge I had

to mother my children the best that I could.

I did what seemed right at the time, all with love

and care and compassion, and help from above.



In time you may look back and hopefully see

some memories of mother to treasure, maybe?

Parenting’s difficult – you’re now to find out

It’s full of decisions, work, pain, and much doubt.



Now two thousand fourteen –we’re adults my son.

As life moves on forward I hope to become

your mother more valued for all that I gave

of my heart and my life, to both children I love.


FROM MUM.


---

My reply:

I'm not hurting, so if you feel pain, it's your pain. Please own that. I'm not responsible for your pain. Your 'need' for me to know that you 'love me' is a need I cannot meet for you. I either feel loved by someone or I don't. I don't feel loved by you. I feel 'needed' by you.


Contact with me may be 'precious' for you. Not for me. The thought of contact with you makes me feel uncomfortable.


My memories are what they are, and I accept the past. I won't falsify memories in order to bolster a need of yours to feel 'treasured' by me.


I do not find parenting so difficult anymore. I am learning to enjoy parenting and marriage (as I believe we are supposed to - for everyone's sakes).


The only thing I regret is that it has taken me until nearly age 40 to express myself this clearly and honestly to you. And yet, that is what happens when a child feels they carry the weight of responsibility of their parents happiness (a burden that it is not right for me to bare, then or now). To survive, children learn to subjugate their own truth in trying to meet their parents needs. But it is wrong. My true responsibility is to learn new, less disempowering and burdensome (and resentment building) ways of relating as a husband and father (and son).

I do still feel uncomfortable at the thought of contact with you. I get the feeling you regard me as a possession that is obliged to give you something back in return for all the heavy 'things' that you gave (of your 'heart and life') to me. This feels pressurey and very uncomfortable. I am a fellow human being. I need to feel you are relating to me as an independent person. Perhaps when I feel this, we can share time together. But I honestly don't know for sure. I just don't get the feeling you are getting this...


her response to mine:


WHATEVER ****** !








   

[ayenga]

In Al-Anon we have a saying, "Going to an alcoholic for love and understanding is like going to a hardware store for bread." When people are sick they don't usually understand. We have the responsibility to take care of ourselves and to "detach with love". That is that hardest thing I have had to try to learn to do. I usually work out my feelings and thoughts with my sponsor and that has been in my favor several times. My brother has always disrespected me. I have wanted to tell him what I think about his behavior towards me for years. I feel so wronged and justified in my feelings. But I cannot change him. I can go head to head with him but my sponsor tries to encourage me not to bring up the past. By doing so I am trying to control his behavior. I am trying to change him and that is not my job or my business. I can change myself and act differently with him. I have choices when he disrespects me in that moment. And I can choose to protect myself and take of myself. I have decided recently not to stay at his house any longer when I visit the city he lives in. Even though I cannot afford it I stay at a B&B. I don't feel safe from their unhealthy behaviors and I don't trust my nascent abilities to speak up for myself without caving and feeling victimized.
After a year of talking and fuming to my sponsor, when I did speak to my brother I merely said that when my parents died I would not be coming to their city any more and what did that mean to our relationship? The look of relief on his face was enormous. He was ready for me to blast him with accusations. After all he grew up in my house as well and is as wounded. I don't trust him. He is not in recovery. I take care of myself around him and that makes me sad. But i do have contact with him and in my heart I love him.
IN the book Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adams, he talks about holding our parents accountable. I can really relate to that. My sons have been damaged by the generational trauma of cover incest. I am accountable. But I also have been wounded. My younger son in particular has said some very painful things to me. I hope several things in the process of recovery: that there is a modicum of gentleness, that there is a trajectory of improvement accompanying the anger and despair ( that the anger doesn't loop without helping bring about recovery), that our higher power helps us realize that our good intentions are helpful but others have their own path (i.e. we can't save them). I have seen how changing myself changes the dynamic of the family. I have found this reading on responsibility helpful. It comes from the Al-Anon book, Courage to Change. "Today, after lots of Step work, I believe I am responsible for the following: to be loyal to my values: to please myself first; to keep an open mind; to detach with love, to rid myself of anger and resentment; to express my ideas and feelings instead of stuffing them; ....to be realistic in my expectations; to make healthy choices; and to be grateful for my blessings."
What I do know and continue to be amazed by is that it takes lots of support.
Thanks for sharing.