Post by olga on Sept 20, 2014 16:06:53 GMT -8
Hello, all. I know these forums are not very active, but I still hope to connect with other survivors.
Let's see. My story sorta begins last year when I began journalling regularly. I did several pages each morning of stream-of-consciousness writing. My writing was bland and whiny to begin with-- after a few weeks, anger began to pour through. Specifically anger towards my parents and especially towards my mother. Revelations and memories and grief were coming up at such a rate that I began researching literature on toxic parenting on the internet. The first time I came across the definition of 'covert incest' I literally gasped, my heart started beating so fast, and my skin felt cold. Had no idea what happened to me was a thing. I just thought my mom was crazy, end of story.
Shortly after I was born, there was a horrible death in the family. Mom told me my presence healed everyone. I truly believe this was when the abuse started. From babyhood, I existed to make others feel better about the bad things that had happened or were happening.
My father was physically abusive when we were little, but when I was about 7 or so, he realized his wrongdoings and decided the solution was to withdraw from our lives completely. He, from then on, rarely spent time with us or spoke to us. When he did, it was always with some other things distracting him (television, internet, etc). To this day he rarely speaks to us.
I guess he withdrew from his relationship with my mom, too, because this was really when the emotional abuse from her began. She told me all her problems, the sexual history of her and my father and her close friends and other family members. Family secrets. She would rage at least once a day, banging plates and slamming doors and screaming til her voice got hoarse. I can't believe now that she thought this was normal mother behavior-- she truly believed she was justified in this acting out.
Since I was always an affectionate child, she sought me for physical comfort. I'm talking hand and back massages, hugs, crying into my shoulder, etc. She also, of course, confided everything to me throughout my childhood, teen years, and into adulthood. As a kid I did feel special-- like I got to know the things grown-ups did and it made me better. But things escalated when I was a teen. She wanted me to go shopping with her, help her pick out her clothes, cook, iron her clothes, clean, do her make up, accompany her everywhere, listen to her every thought she's ever had.
I now realize my mother is a narcissist. It would take ages for me to discuss the behavior and realizations that got me there, but I'll just say that she acts out for attention-- at first, my attention specifically, but if she can't get mine, she'll seek friends and my sister. Female attention, which is worth noting (she had a bad relationship w/ her mother).
One of the worst things about living with her was she violated our privacy. Or, at least my privacy. She'd search my room, look in every corner and crevice, and would read everything. She'd find things she didn't approve of and would confront me and shame me about what she found later. I could never journal for this reason.
I'm living far away now but this doesn't stop her from trying to pull her old crap on me. Like I said, last year I discovered what covert incest was, but I didn't really want to get into reading about it. It was painful at first, to realize my mother not only doesn't give a crap about my feelings, but that I exist for her purposes only in her eyes. This summer I finally began to change our relationship. I began pulling back from her, emotionally. I wasn't there for her and went weeks without answering the phone. It all was kind of building until this summer.
She went through some totally normal stressful situations that made her act out completely. She pretended like she was having a mental breakdown and she freaked out at me that I wasn't there for her when I needed her. I paid her a visit, mainly to see my other family, and at one point, she asked me to spend some time with her in the bedroom. She was lying on the bed and I sat rather far away from her. She got close to me and began rubbing her hands all over my arms and legs. "I need you," she said. "I need this. You are my strength. This is what heals me."
As you can imagine, the whole time I was cringing and totally grossed out!!!!!! I wanted to peel her off of me and throw her off the bed!! Even writing about this disgusts me. She's tried this several times since when I'm visiting, asking me to sit close to her on the couch so she can rest her head on my shoulder and run her hands along my arms.
So that event brought up even more memories, and I finally bought a TON of books on covert incest as well as having a narcissistic mother. They're shipping out as I write this.
I felt really bad because of all the anger I have towards her. I'm sure you guys know exactly what the result of this behavior is. I went through years and years of unexplained panic attacks, paranoia, bad relationships with controlling narcissists. I've been healing myself and I'm doing SO much better, but I'm ready to... I'm not sure what the right word for it is... establish boundaries, I suppose, and heal whatever else needs to heal, and hopefully one day repair this relationship. I guess I'm very optimistic.
Thanks so much for listening and reading.
Let's see. My story sorta begins last year when I began journalling regularly. I did several pages each morning of stream-of-consciousness writing. My writing was bland and whiny to begin with-- after a few weeks, anger began to pour through. Specifically anger towards my parents and especially towards my mother. Revelations and memories and grief were coming up at such a rate that I began researching literature on toxic parenting on the internet. The first time I came across the definition of 'covert incest' I literally gasped, my heart started beating so fast, and my skin felt cold. Had no idea what happened to me was a thing. I just thought my mom was crazy, end of story.
Shortly after I was born, there was a horrible death in the family. Mom told me my presence healed everyone. I truly believe this was when the abuse started. From babyhood, I existed to make others feel better about the bad things that had happened or were happening.
My father was physically abusive when we were little, but when I was about 7 or so, he realized his wrongdoings and decided the solution was to withdraw from our lives completely. He, from then on, rarely spent time with us or spoke to us. When he did, it was always with some other things distracting him (television, internet, etc). To this day he rarely speaks to us.
I guess he withdrew from his relationship with my mom, too, because this was really when the emotional abuse from her began. She told me all her problems, the sexual history of her and my father and her close friends and other family members. Family secrets. She would rage at least once a day, banging plates and slamming doors and screaming til her voice got hoarse. I can't believe now that she thought this was normal mother behavior-- she truly believed she was justified in this acting out.
Since I was always an affectionate child, she sought me for physical comfort. I'm talking hand and back massages, hugs, crying into my shoulder, etc. She also, of course, confided everything to me throughout my childhood, teen years, and into adulthood. As a kid I did feel special-- like I got to know the things grown-ups did and it made me better. But things escalated when I was a teen. She wanted me to go shopping with her, help her pick out her clothes, cook, iron her clothes, clean, do her make up, accompany her everywhere, listen to her every thought she's ever had.
I now realize my mother is a narcissist. It would take ages for me to discuss the behavior and realizations that got me there, but I'll just say that she acts out for attention-- at first, my attention specifically, but if she can't get mine, she'll seek friends and my sister. Female attention, which is worth noting (she had a bad relationship w/ her mother).
One of the worst things about living with her was she violated our privacy. Or, at least my privacy. She'd search my room, look in every corner and crevice, and would read everything. She'd find things she didn't approve of and would confront me and shame me about what she found later. I could never journal for this reason.
I'm living far away now but this doesn't stop her from trying to pull her old crap on me. Like I said, last year I discovered what covert incest was, but I didn't really want to get into reading about it. It was painful at first, to realize my mother not only doesn't give a crap about my feelings, but that I exist for her purposes only in her eyes. This summer I finally began to change our relationship. I began pulling back from her, emotionally. I wasn't there for her and went weeks without answering the phone. It all was kind of building until this summer.
She went through some totally normal stressful situations that made her act out completely. She pretended like she was having a mental breakdown and she freaked out at me that I wasn't there for her when I needed her. I paid her a visit, mainly to see my other family, and at one point, she asked me to spend some time with her in the bedroom. She was lying on the bed and I sat rather far away from her. She got close to me and began rubbing her hands all over my arms and legs. "I need you," she said. "I need this. You are my strength. This is what heals me."
As you can imagine, the whole time I was cringing and totally grossed out!!!!!! I wanted to peel her off of me and throw her off the bed!! Even writing about this disgusts me. She's tried this several times since when I'm visiting, asking me to sit close to her on the couch so she can rest her head on my shoulder and run her hands along my arms.
So that event brought up even more memories, and I finally bought a TON of books on covert incest as well as having a narcissistic mother. They're shipping out as I write this.
I felt really bad because of all the anger I have towards her. I'm sure you guys know exactly what the result of this behavior is. I went through years and years of unexplained panic attacks, paranoia, bad relationships with controlling narcissists. I've been healing myself and I'm doing SO much better, but I'm ready to... I'm not sure what the right word for it is... establish boundaries, I suppose, and heal whatever else needs to heal, and hopefully one day repair this relationship. I guess I'm very optimistic.
Thanks so much for listening and reading.