Post by bbnfrn on Aug 25, 2014 10:01:54 GMT -8
I'm sorry to call this topic this.
I know this is enormous, but this is my journey, I am very confused.
Help? I feel like I need it but i don't know what to ask for. I don't know where to begin, I thought i had a perfect life. I really really did.
If you have the time and patience, please read this. I need to share my confusion, if that is ok with you. I don't really have friends that know who I really am.
About 5 years ago, when i was 19, I had a panic attack (I had another one when i was 15, long story) my life hasn't been the same since, and I was just watching TV.
If you asked me 5 years ago I would have told you my life is perfect, parents are perfect, I am very privileged and lucky (and I really am, but maybe everything isn't perfect).
I don't know what is happening to me, for the past year and a half I have been discovering so many things about myself and I am just confused. Where was I living?
All of this started when I met my boyfriend 7 years ago, I didn't believe in relationships, or anything casual, I just, had a lot of crushes very easily. But with him, after our first conversation I thought to myself "he is going to be my boyfriend" not in a "I'm determined to get him" kind of way, it was just a feeling as if I knew it would happen.
We had a very intense relationship for a year, I said nothing about how I felt, only the positive. But he made me feel very insecure, he looked right into me. He said things like: "your breasts are one bigger than the other", "You and your weird shoes!", "I love how your front teeth aren't perfectly straight". Those things absolutely crushed me, I died inside each time he said them.
(nowadays i realized that he said them innocently, he doesn't want me to be perfect and he really really loves those things, he was in no way saying them to put me down)
so, after a year, i had enough, i broke down and told him that he treated me badly and that a lot of things he did with me were wrong. He was my first time. I was so crazy about him that I had no sexual boundaries, I did everything in every way. That ruined my self esteem for some reason, like I gave away something that was the reason he loved me. Like having given away those things he couldn't love me anymore.
I was always in control, every guy was in love with me, I was fun, outgoing, etc etc. As soon as i met him, I became a shy, insecure, mess it could only be his fault.
The poor guy withdrew, felt horrible about himself. He is the most amazing human being I know and I made him feel like a horrible person, but all the things I was doing to myself mentally (telling myself i look horrible, I'm not worth anything if we have already had sex, my crooked teeth make me ugly and unworthy) i thought he was doing them. I even, at some point, accused him of being a narcissist.
We broke up. We kept sleeping together, I don't know why, because it hurt me emotionally. He was confused as to how that could be since most of the times I started it.
I was trying to act like I didn't love him. I went to live in New York for a couple of months to study. I slept with two other guys (we were broken up), I didn't want to, I just couldn't say no. I am paralyzed, cannot say no. I feel like something horrible will happen, i dissociated from my body. I hate myself for doing that to this day, i cheated myself.
Went back to my country, five months later had a panic attack watching TV.
Since them, I cannot relax. EVER. I feel like something horrible is going to happen and I am going to die.
I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of dieing without having fulfilled my duties, being a bad daughter, girlfriend, person.
That same year we got back together and have been together since, even though I have never felt such love as I do with this man, he makes me feel alive, he LOVES me and teaches me to love beyond lust, perfection, selfishness etc.
I am ashamed to say, I have had multiple crushes, contemplated leaving, thought he was the problem for a long time, kissed someone else (we were fighting a lot, I told him about it), constantly think that I miss the lust, perfection and selfishness.
Having constant panic attacks. I never understood the concept of panic attacks because mine was mostly just panic, it wasn't an attack, and it didn't last 20 minutes, it lasts my whole existence.
Can't sleep, need to have episodes of friends playing in the background. Feel like the left side of my body is weird, scared of objects on my left. Whose are these hands? they don't feel mine! I am going to die , cancer? plane crash? are my parents going to die? my boyfriend? maybe not, if i do this. Or if they do at least my last words to them will have been nice.
In 2012, I moved to Italy, where my father was born. I moved away from home, away from my boyfriend (he was going to come meet me in 3 months and we would travel together) and everything changed. I left because I needed to, i had graduated college and I thought I NEEDED to get away. I went there, learned italian, got involved in the culture, really enjoyed myself.
My boyfriend came, our relationship somehow got a lot better, I no longer felt I wanted out. I no longer blamed him for things, and started listening to him much more.
Something very strange started happening, I got started doing some soul searching and started becoming angry at my mother, out of nowhere. Did some google searches, realized she had manipulative narcissistic traits. Got super angry, started noticing some weird interactions she had with me and how incredibly scared and put down i really felt.
about my mother: she always was absolutely gorgeous, is still gorgeous in her 50s, has had plastic surgery, constantly comments on how she is fat now, ugly, old. Tells me im beautiful all the time, comments on how i look, walk, act. What are you wearing? etc. Brags a lot, lies a lot. everyone is always telling me how much she loves me, her friends stop me at a family party to say how much she loves me and how amazing a mother she is. It always annoyed me.
She acts like a child, we always need to take care of her, the whole family, if you don't, her wrath will crush your soul. She has no real friends, just complimenting machines.
Came christmas my parents came to visit me, the idea is that we would go to the town my dad was born in. Throughout the trip, I was angry at my mother, but obviously hid everything. I hide ALL OF my feelings, no one had any idea i had panic attacks. I'd be sitting at the dinner table, dieing inside and asking someone to pass the salt, please.
Earlier that year, my grandmother, the most nurturing, beautiful, incredible woman in my life, died. (She was my fathers mother, she was italian) My dad, being the proud man he is, suffered in silence, my mom doesnt let him wallow in his sadness because according to her, sadness shouldnt be fed. Don't feel it, do something else. this made me very angry at her.
My connection to my father was always enormous. He was my source of nurturing and love because my mother is a child. I love her so much, but my interaction with her consists in taking care of her. I couldnt stand to see her suffer. So my dad was almost GOD to me.
So this visit to his hometown was a big deal, we would go, meet our distant family, all of the people my dad hadnt seen since he was very young. As soon as we got there, something was off. First of all, he didn't really speak italian that well, he told me he did. He didn't let me teach him anything, because he was too proud.
He was incredibly prejudiced about his own country, you'd think he was an ignorant tourist. He would lie, brag, one up everyone. This was his family!! I had a nice time, met some cousins, felt connected. Cried! finally i met these amazing people i kept hearing about. I heard the stories, took pictures. But he? It was like he was USING this as an opportunity to talk his mother and us and himself up.
Someone complimented this guy on his nice house, my dad would say, yeah, we just bought a house too! someone said, my daughter has a car, he would say that I have an apartment. I asked him to please stop. It embarrassed me. My mother told me to let him be because he looked like he needed to do this.
Basically, I saw, my hero, my father, my god THE MOST AMAZING person i knew in a whole different light. He was pathetic, manipulative, dishonest, emotionally unavailable, he is an emotional leech, he is completely broken, HE IS A NARCISSIST!
He never read my final dissertation but he bragged about it to everyone. He made me sing at family parties saying how talented I was.
He uses me so I can reflect his feelings back to him. I am heartbroken. My boyfriend always said it seemed like my mother was competing with me. Now i know why, because I was my father's perfect girl.
He ignored the existence of my boyfriend for a very long time, when i said i was moving to italy and that he'd come and we would live together, MY FATHER STOPPED TALKING TO ME, STOPPED INTERACTING. Like we were now broken up.
Ever since that christmas in italy, I AM SO ANGRY at him, I kind of hate him. But I can't hate him because he had such a horrible childhood, I was the only thing that helped him. I made him feel normal and acceptable. But I can't do that forever can I?
Helping him was never a simple thing, it's not enough to give him a hug and ask him what is up, he will sigh and say "nothing". I need to stop existing. Do things the way he wants me to, somehow reflect his feelings back to him. He uses me to filter his feelings.
One day he said he was in pain because he busted his ass to carry a watermelon home because I wanted it, but then i told my mom, I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. I don't know what he is talking about, then he said jokingly : Let me say that you wanted it!!! play along, come on!
NO!
I am now living in england, I am literally running away. The other day he was playing tennis and had an accident, fell, broke his rib, arm and twisted a knee. He is fine now, everything is ok. thank god.
But he told me, that the night he had the accident he took a picture of himself on the mirror, bleeding, bruised... to send it to me.
WHAT? why would he do that? Why doesnt he send it to my mother? why doesnt he not send it to anyone. That's how he decides to tell me! instead of giving me a call and letting me know. He needs to send me a horrible picture.
Why would he do that? because he needs to feel his pain through me.
He always complained to me about how my mother doesnt take care of him. My mother doesnt like going out but he does. My mother spends all of his money (when he clearly encourages her to).
IT IS LIKE HE LIKES TO SUFFER. and make me feel bad about it?
I could go on and on and on, lately i have realized how inappropriate our relationship was, It was always me against my mother, but at the same time i had to cater to her needs because, poor her. she needed me.
so did he.
when i was a child he would sniff my neck and pretend to fall down and say "im in love" i'd giggle.... it was clearly a sexual feeling i was having. and he would tell me he was in love. When i remember that now, i feel deeply disgusted.
He would tell me stories that had something sexual in them. Not terribly so, but definitely inappropriate. He would caress my breast area (when i didnt have them yet) and say: "I have to do this now while i still can, because you are going to grow up soon".
Poor guy, i know he is not some incredibly twisted person, just very hurt. I don't want to make him sound like a horrible father. Don't judge him too harshly. His mother also treated him like her little husband. (but thats a whole nother story)
When i was 9 i wrote in my diary, i don't want to grow up, i don't want him to stop loving me.
I have been researching a lot and I am pretty sure my parents are a Borderline/Narcissist couple. my mother being the borderline (waif) and my father being the narcissist.
It seems like he chose someone that was going to make his life hell, and she chose someone that would cater to her every whim. He self sacrifices and in return he wants your soul.
If we all go out together, he will comment on how short on cash he is, and how physically tired, but my mother will go in every possible store. and spend a lot of money. and he insists I buy stuff too, But didnt he just say he was short on cash? I am so confused. He then buys me things, with a martyr look in his face, suffering. And doesnt let me carry the bags. I have to hurry to get them from the cashier, and later on he will snatch them from my hands.
Oh how he suffers. and it is all my fault. even though i don't want him to.
I know i'm rambling but the reason I am confused is this:
I felt my life was perfect. I had nothing to complain about. I was incapable of love and very self obsessed but didn't know it. How did finding true love, being in this relationship with my boyfriend made me see my parents in such a different light? As soon as i started seeing these things about my parents, my relationship with him is amazing, I am no longer scared of commitment, I no longer have crushes on everyone, I no longer feel SO insecure. I no longer despise the fact of getting married and having children. And my anxiety is FINALLY starting to become more controllable. why is that?
I don't remember my childhood, I remember being 11 and my life from then on. But before that, I remember almost nothing. But I feel like I am traumatized and I don't know why. I don't know if something happened.
Another detail is:
Whenever I would read about Narcissists or BPDs and think of how much pain I was in because of my parents there was a slightly sexual feeling. For the past 3 years i have been watching porn which is something I HATE. And not just normal porn. And I have also realized that all of my relationships are slightly sexual, my best friends are all men and lesbians.
What does it mean when a girls friends are all men and lesbians!?
I couldn't even begin to know how to interact to a normal girl.
I sometimes don't want to go out when i know no one I could have some sort of sexual tension with is going to be there, I feel dead inside.
So here it is, my craziness, the story of how meeting someone made me stop seeing my life with rose colored glasses. But I'm very confused because it seems like I am the only one who sees this. Everyone thinks my parents are amazing.
I can't really talk to my brother, he scares me, he makes me feel so incredibly inferior, I am scared I will say these things and he will be like no wtf, are you crazy? whats wrong with you? he is not a very friendly guy.
I talk to my boyfriend but he doesnt understand my family structure, he can't imagine anything like it. he just seems shocked.
I am very confused, lost, and feel entirely alone in this. What happened to me? am i right in thinking this about them? they never beat me or anything! I don't know :/
Anyway, if you read this far, I am eternally grateful to you, please leave a comment, tell me what you think, I really need to know that someone else knows this. I am so tired. So alone.
Thank you ever so much, I wish you all the best in whatever you are going through, psychological pain is very very real.
Hope you have a nice day!
I know this is enormous, but this is my journey, I am very confused.
Help? I feel like I need it but i don't know what to ask for. I don't know where to begin, I thought i had a perfect life. I really really did.
If you have the time and patience, please read this. I need to share my confusion, if that is ok with you. I don't really have friends that know who I really am.
About 5 years ago, when i was 19, I had a panic attack (I had another one when i was 15, long story) my life hasn't been the same since, and I was just watching TV.
If you asked me 5 years ago I would have told you my life is perfect, parents are perfect, I am very privileged and lucky (and I really am, but maybe everything isn't perfect).
I don't know what is happening to me, for the past year and a half I have been discovering so many things about myself and I am just confused. Where was I living?
All of this started when I met my boyfriend 7 years ago, I didn't believe in relationships, or anything casual, I just, had a lot of crushes very easily. But with him, after our first conversation I thought to myself "he is going to be my boyfriend" not in a "I'm determined to get him" kind of way, it was just a feeling as if I knew it would happen.
We had a very intense relationship for a year, I said nothing about how I felt, only the positive. But he made me feel very insecure, he looked right into me. He said things like: "your breasts are one bigger than the other", "You and your weird shoes!", "I love how your front teeth aren't perfectly straight". Those things absolutely crushed me, I died inside each time he said them.
(nowadays i realized that he said them innocently, he doesn't want me to be perfect and he really really loves those things, he was in no way saying them to put me down)
so, after a year, i had enough, i broke down and told him that he treated me badly and that a lot of things he did with me were wrong. He was my first time. I was so crazy about him that I had no sexual boundaries, I did everything in every way. That ruined my self esteem for some reason, like I gave away something that was the reason he loved me. Like having given away those things he couldn't love me anymore.
I was always in control, every guy was in love with me, I was fun, outgoing, etc etc. As soon as i met him, I became a shy, insecure, mess it could only be his fault.
The poor guy withdrew, felt horrible about himself. He is the most amazing human being I know and I made him feel like a horrible person, but all the things I was doing to myself mentally (telling myself i look horrible, I'm not worth anything if we have already had sex, my crooked teeth make me ugly and unworthy) i thought he was doing them. I even, at some point, accused him of being a narcissist.
We broke up. We kept sleeping together, I don't know why, because it hurt me emotionally. He was confused as to how that could be since most of the times I started it.
I was trying to act like I didn't love him. I went to live in New York for a couple of months to study. I slept with two other guys (we were broken up), I didn't want to, I just couldn't say no. I am paralyzed, cannot say no. I feel like something horrible will happen, i dissociated from my body. I hate myself for doing that to this day, i cheated myself.
Went back to my country, five months later had a panic attack watching TV.
Since them, I cannot relax. EVER. I feel like something horrible is going to happen and I am going to die.
I'm not scared of death. I'm scared of dieing without having fulfilled my duties, being a bad daughter, girlfriend, person.
That same year we got back together and have been together since, even though I have never felt such love as I do with this man, he makes me feel alive, he LOVES me and teaches me to love beyond lust, perfection, selfishness etc.
I am ashamed to say, I have had multiple crushes, contemplated leaving, thought he was the problem for a long time, kissed someone else (we were fighting a lot, I told him about it), constantly think that I miss the lust, perfection and selfishness.
Having constant panic attacks. I never understood the concept of panic attacks because mine was mostly just panic, it wasn't an attack, and it didn't last 20 minutes, it lasts my whole existence.
Can't sleep, need to have episodes of friends playing in the background. Feel like the left side of my body is weird, scared of objects on my left. Whose are these hands? they don't feel mine! I am going to die , cancer? plane crash? are my parents going to die? my boyfriend? maybe not, if i do this. Or if they do at least my last words to them will have been nice.
In 2012, I moved to Italy, where my father was born. I moved away from home, away from my boyfriend (he was going to come meet me in 3 months and we would travel together) and everything changed. I left because I needed to, i had graduated college and I thought I NEEDED to get away. I went there, learned italian, got involved in the culture, really enjoyed myself.
My boyfriend came, our relationship somehow got a lot better, I no longer felt I wanted out. I no longer blamed him for things, and started listening to him much more.
Something very strange started happening, I got started doing some soul searching and started becoming angry at my mother, out of nowhere. Did some google searches, realized she had manipulative narcissistic traits. Got super angry, started noticing some weird interactions she had with me and how incredibly scared and put down i really felt.
about my mother: she always was absolutely gorgeous, is still gorgeous in her 50s, has had plastic surgery, constantly comments on how she is fat now, ugly, old. Tells me im beautiful all the time, comments on how i look, walk, act. What are you wearing? etc. Brags a lot, lies a lot. everyone is always telling me how much she loves me, her friends stop me at a family party to say how much she loves me and how amazing a mother she is. It always annoyed me.
She acts like a child, we always need to take care of her, the whole family, if you don't, her wrath will crush your soul. She has no real friends, just complimenting machines.
Came christmas my parents came to visit me, the idea is that we would go to the town my dad was born in. Throughout the trip, I was angry at my mother, but obviously hid everything. I hide ALL OF my feelings, no one had any idea i had panic attacks. I'd be sitting at the dinner table, dieing inside and asking someone to pass the salt, please.
Earlier that year, my grandmother, the most nurturing, beautiful, incredible woman in my life, died. (She was my fathers mother, she was italian) My dad, being the proud man he is, suffered in silence, my mom doesnt let him wallow in his sadness because according to her, sadness shouldnt be fed. Don't feel it, do something else. this made me very angry at her.
My connection to my father was always enormous. He was my source of nurturing and love because my mother is a child. I love her so much, but my interaction with her consists in taking care of her. I couldnt stand to see her suffer. So my dad was almost GOD to me.
So this visit to his hometown was a big deal, we would go, meet our distant family, all of the people my dad hadnt seen since he was very young. As soon as we got there, something was off. First of all, he didn't really speak italian that well, he told me he did. He didn't let me teach him anything, because he was too proud.
He was incredibly prejudiced about his own country, you'd think he was an ignorant tourist. He would lie, brag, one up everyone. This was his family!! I had a nice time, met some cousins, felt connected. Cried! finally i met these amazing people i kept hearing about. I heard the stories, took pictures. But he? It was like he was USING this as an opportunity to talk his mother and us and himself up.
Someone complimented this guy on his nice house, my dad would say, yeah, we just bought a house too! someone said, my daughter has a car, he would say that I have an apartment. I asked him to please stop. It embarrassed me. My mother told me to let him be because he looked like he needed to do this.
Basically, I saw, my hero, my father, my god THE MOST AMAZING person i knew in a whole different light. He was pathetic, manipulative, dishonest, emotionally unavailable, he is an emotional leech, he is completely broken, HE IS A NARCISSIST!
He never read my final dissertation but he bragged about it to everyone. He made me sing at family parties saying how talented I was.
He uses me so I can reflect his feelings back to him. I am heartbroken. My boyfriend always said it seemed like my mother was competing with me. Now i know why, because I was my father's perfect girl.
He ignored the existence of my boyfriend for a very long time, when i said i was moving to italy and that he'd come and we would live together, MY FATHER STOPPED TALKING TO ME, STOPPED INTERACTING. Like we were now broken up.
Ever since that christmas in italy, I AM SO ANGRY at him, I kind of hate him. But I can't hate him because he had such a horrible childhood, I was the only thing that helped him. I made him feel normal and acceptable. But I can't do that forever can I?
Helping him was never a simple thing, it's not enough to give him a hug and ask him what is up, he will sigh and say "nothing". I need to stop existing. Do things the way he wants me to, somehow reflect his feelings back to him. He uses me to filter his feelings.
One day he said he was in pain because he busted his ass to carry a watermelon home because I wanted it, but then i told my mom, I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. I don't know what he is talking about, then he said jokingly : Let me say that you wanted it!!! play along, come on!
NO!
I am now living in england, I am literally running away. The other day he was playing tennis and had an accident, fell, broke his rib, arm and twisted a knee. He is fine now, everything is ok. thank god.
But he told me, that the night he had the accident he took a picture of himself on the mirror, bleeding, bruised... to send it to me.
WHAT? why would he do that? Why doesnt he send it to my mother? why doesnt he not send it to anyone. That's how he decides to tell me! instead of giving me a call and letting me know. He needs to send me a horrible picture.
Why would he do that? because he needs to feel his pain through me.
He always complained to me about how my mother doesnt take care of him. My mother doesnt like going out but he does. My mother spends all of his money (when he clearly encourages her to).
IT IS LIKE HE LIKES TO SUFFER. and make me feel bad about it?
I could go on and on and on, lately i have realized how inappropriate our relationship was, It was always me against my mother, but at the same time i had to cater to her needs because, poor her. she needed me.
so did he.
when i was a child he would sniff my neck and pretend to fall down and say "im in love" i'd giggle.... it was clearly a sexual feeling i was having. and he would tell me he was in love. When i remember that now, i feel deeply disgusted.
He would tell me stories that had something sexual in them. Not terribly so, but definitely inappropriate. He would caress my breast area (when i didnt have them yet) and say: "I have to do this now while i still can, because you are going to grow up soon".
Poor guy, i know he is not some incredibly twisted person, just very hurt. I don't want to make him sound like a horrible father. Don't judge him too harshly. His mother also treated him like her little husband. (but thats a whole nother story)
When i was 9 i wrote in my diary, i don't want to grow up, i don't want him to stop loving me.
I have been researching a lot and I am pretty sure my parents are a Borderline/Narcissist couple. my mother being the borderline (waif) and my father being the narcissist.
It seems like he chose someone that was going to make his life hell, and she chose someone that would cater to her every whim. He self sacrifices and in return he wants your soul.
If we all go out together, he will comment on how short on cash he is, and how physically tired, but my mother will go in every possible store. and spend a lot of money. and he insists I buy stuff too, But didnt he just say he was short on cash? I am so confused. He then buys me things, with a martyr look in his face, suffering. And doesnt let me carry the bags. I have to hurry to get them from the cashier, and later on he will snatch them from my hands.
Oh how he suffers. and it is all my fault. even though i don't want him to.
I know i'm rambling but the reason I am confused is this:
I felt my life was perfect. I had nothing to complain about. I was incapable of love and very self obsessed but didn't know it. How did finding true love, being in this relationship with my boyfriend made me see my parents in such a different light? As soon as i started seeing these things about my parents, my relationship with him is amazing, I am no longer scared of commitment, I no longer have crushes on everyone, I no longer feel SO insecure. I no longer despise the fact of getting married and having children. And my anxiety is FINALLY starting to become more controllable. why is that?
I don't remember my childhood, I remember being 11 and my life from then on. But before that, I remember almost nothing. But I feel like I am traumatized and I don't know why. I don't know if something happened.
Another detail is:
Whenever I would read about Narcissists or BPDs and think of how much pain I was in because of my parents there was a slightly sexual feeling. For the past 3 years i have been watching porn which is something I HATE. And not just normal porn. And I have also realized that all of my relationships are slightly sexual, my best friends are all men and lesbians.
What does it mean when a girls friends are all men and lesbians!?
I couldn't even begin to know how to interact to a normal girl.
I sometimes don't want to go out when i know no one I could have some sort of sexual tension with is going to be there, I feel dead inside.
So here it is, my craziness, the story of how meeting someone made me stop seeing my life with rose colored glasses. But I'm very confused because it seems like I am the only one who sees this. Everyone thinks my parents are amazing.
I can't really talk to my brother, he scares me, he makes me feel so incredibly inferior, I am scared I will say these things and he will be like no wtf, are you crazy? whats wrong with you? he is not a very friendly guy.
I talk to my boyfriend but he doesnt understand my family structure, he can't imagine anything like it. he just seems shocked.
I am very confused, lost, and feel entirely alone in this. What happened to me? am i right in thinking this about them? they never beat me or anything! I don't know :/
Anyway, if you read this far, I am eternally grateful to you, please leave a comment, tell me what you think, I really need to know that someone else knows this. I am so tired. So alone.
Thank you ever so much, I wish you all the best in whatever you are going through, psychological pain is very very real.
Hope you have a nice day!