Post by brittajo on Jun 30, 2014 9:36:12 GMT -8
I have just begun therapy for what I believe to be a love and sex addiction. My therapist suggested I read a book on this topic which had a chapter on covert incest. I recognized this behavior immediately. This is an especially awkward situation for me, because I am now 29 and am back living with my parents. It seems like the worst timing ever to realize that I've been enveloped in this emotional abuse all my life and am suddenly right back here where it all started. This is why I've been seeking therapy and why I joined this forum.
I always knew that my family life was strange growing up, and that my mother was living through me in a sense, but I never knew there was a name for the extent of it. My mother was, and still is obsessed with me. She kept me close at all times. She discouraged friendships, unless it was something she could partake in herself. She enrolled me in beauty pageants, dance lessons, any extra curricular that she never had the chance to do as a child. I hated most of these activities and felt that I never had a chance to decide what I wanted to do. I was never left alone long enough to figure it out. I was a late in life baby, and she had me for what I believe were mainly financial reasons and the fact that she was lonely. My father is an alcoholic, was always drunk downstairs on the couch. They never shared a bedroom, I've never seen them hug or kiss. She actively pitted me against my father as a child. They were verbally abusive to each other at all times and she encouraged me to disdain him and be rude and dismissive to him, even if he was being friendly. Every day involved me being carted around to various dance classes, then she would bring me home, yell at my drunk father while making dinner, then we would eat upstairs in her bedroom while watching tv. I believe I slept in her bed until I was 13-14 years old.
Things started changing when I went through puberty. I remember when I told her I got my first period she gave me such an awful look. Like she suddenly didn't trust me and made me feel ashamed. When I began to date she would go through all of my diaries. If I received a valentine's day card, or any love letters, she would sneak off with it to read it in the garage. It wasn't an overprotective type of thing, she wasn't doing these things to monitor my behavior and make sure I wasn't getting into trouble...it was more like she wanted these things to be happening to her, or was jealous. It was really odd. When I started really dating my first boyfriend, (I was 16), she completely lost it. He was also from a broken home, and in retrospect, I know we were trying to escape this emotional turmoil together. I started spending every second I could with him. Most of the time we would be at his house, but if things were bad we would go to mine. My mother was actively jealous. She began fuming. She would tolerate him, but hated that I no longer wanted to spend time with her. She would go through periods of binge drinking, pill abuse, sleeping all day. She acted like she hated me, but because I was trying to emotionally detach, it became mutual. We fought constantly. She threatened to kill herself several times. I felt like I was her mother.
In many ways this behavior never really changed. It did get better when I left for college and moved away, but she was still obsessive about calling me, and always begged me not to leave after holiday trips home. I had to come back home for various reasons, I was out of work, going through an awful break up, broke. While I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I hate being here and I feel like a failure. I'm obviously having trouble becoming independent. She knows this and fosters the co-dependence. She wants me to be reliant on her and she wants me to stay home indefinitely. She's very distrustful of my therapy. I waffle between feeling like a spoiled brat and someone who has been seriously stunted by this childhood. I have serious issues with all relationships. I have a long list of ex boyfriends, and very few friends left. I am a very difficult person and I'm working on that. It's hard to know which of these problems stemmed from her and which are my own fault.
Anyway, I'm Britta. I'm eager to join the discussion.
I always knew that my family life was strange growing up, and that my mother was living through me in a sense, but I never knew there was a name for the extent of it. My mother was, and still is obsessed with me. She kept me close at all times. She discouraged friendships, unless it was something she could partake in herself. She enrolled me in beauty pageants, dance lessons, any extra curricular that she never had the chance to do as a child. I hated most of these activities and felt that I never had a chance to decide what I wanted to do. I was never left alone long enough to figure it out. I was a late in life baby, and she had me for what I believe were mainly financial reasons and the fact that she was lonely. My father is an alcoholic, was always drunk downstairs on the couch. They never shared a bedroom, I've never seen them hug or kiss. She actively pitted me against my father as a child. They were verbally abusive to each other at all times and she encouraged me to disdain him and be rude and dismissive to him, even if he was being friendly. Every day involved me being carted around to various dance classes, then she would bring me home, yell at my drunk father while making dinner, then we would eat upstairs in her bedroom while watching tv. I believe I slept in her bed until I was 13-14 years old.
Things started changing when I went through puberty. I remember when I told her I got my first period she gave me such an awful look. Like she suddenly didn't trust me and made me feel ashamed. When I began to date she would go through all of my diaries. If I received a valentine's day card, or any love letters, she would sneak off with it to read it in the garage. It wasn't an overprotective type of thing, she wasn't doing these things to monitor my behavior and make sure I wasn't getting into trouble...it was more like she wanted these things to be happening to her, or was jealous. It was really odd. When I started really dating my first boyfriend, (I was 16), she completely lost it. He was also from a broken home, and in retrospect, I know we were trying to escape this emotional turmoil together. I started spending every second I could with him. Most of the time we would be at his house, but if things were bad we would go to mine. My mother was actively jealous. She began fuming. She would tolerate him, but hated that I no longer wanted to spend time with her. She would go through periods of binge drinking, pill abuse, sleeping all day. She acted like she hated me, but because I was trying to emotionally detach, it became mutual. We fought constantly. She threatened to kill herself several times. I felt like I was her mother.
In many ways this behavior never really changed. It did get better when I left for college and moved away, but she was still obsessive about calling me, and always begged me not to leave after holiday trips home. I had to come back home for various reasons, I was out of work, going through an awful break up, broke. While I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I hate being here and I feel like a failure. I'm obviously having trouble becoming independent. She knows this and fosters the co-dependence. She wants me to be reliant on her and she wants me to stay home indefinitely. She's very distrustful of my therapy. I waffle between feeling like a spoiled brat and someone who has been seriously stunted by this childhood. I have serious issues with all relationships. I have a long list of ex boyfriends, and very few friends left. I am a very difficult person and I'm working on that. It's hard to know which of these problems stemmed from her and which are my own fault.
Anyway, I'm Britta. I'm eager to join the discussion.