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Post by sherrie on Jun 14, 2014 22:40:40 GMT -8
I have finally found the name of what has happened "Covert Incest", It is so freeing to finally have a name and know that what is happening is wrong. I have always questioned why my relationship with my mother felt wrong and now I know
Here is some history
My mother has spend her life going from 1 tragedy to the next and I have been her only support. When I was in the 5th grade I was the one she would have sit at the table while she cried and served me alcohol so that she would have someone to drink with and that was my life going forward. She never wanted me to leave home. She would always make me feel bad when I would tell her I needed to get a real life, I time I remember her saying "who is going to open my jars if you leave" At the age of 30 I finally broke free or I thought I had. I moved 1500 miles away and she would come and stay every other month for an entire month. I have an at home business so I was stuck there with her all day every day for the whole month each time she came to stay. I am a very social person and love to do things with my friends, When ever I was going out she would look sad and lonely, which in turn would make me feel guilty for leaving her.
After years of this I couldn’t take it anymore and told her she can not come that often or stay that long. I told her if I had to I would leave my home and live in a tent in the woods to have my freedom, Now those were my exact words. Her response was ” I will find you”.
How terrible it was to discover that my mother did care how I felt. After these blow-ups of mine I would always go back to what she wanted me to be.
At the age of 41 I got married to a wonderful man, He is truly my best friend. I still continued to have problems with my mother visiting all the time and stay for a month. My Husband and I are very busy people, He works 6 days 60 hrs a week and our only day together is Sunday, I have told my mother this and that I wanted to spend Sunday alone with my Husband and that she would have to find something to do outside the house, She agreed. Then Sunday came, She sat on the back porch visiting with my husband until 2 in the afternoon when I finally told my husband “Lets go, we are going out to do something” at that point when we were getting ready to leave she finally left because she knew we wouldn’t be there anyway. She was only gone for a couple of hours and then came back. I have told her she can not use me for her life entertainment and that she needs counseling, she said she would get a counselor but has not in the 3 years after this. When I finally put my foot down, again and told her she could only come 2 time per year for 1 week she bought a house across the street and is always popping in.
I am so happy to be here and have finally discovered what it is called. I have ordered a few books and they are on their way
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Post by James C T on Jun 16, 2014 3:22:50 GMT -8
Welcome. Thank you for posting this. I'm rooting for you to find the healing you seek.
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Post by sherrie on Jun 16, 2014 7:30:12 GMT -8
Thank You James
Today I feel very guilty, The weight of it is crushing. I am having terrible self doubt. The problem is that the guilt make me think that maybe I am wrong and not seeing it correctly.
She is always trying to help, help, help maybe it is all with good intentions but when ever I am around her, all I want to do is run away, The chest pain associated with seeing her and even the thought if see her is unbelievable.
Last night my daughter took my husband and I out for dinner for fathers day, My mother was there. I was cordial, gave her hugs and spoke to her a couple of times but the guilt of not being that overly excited doting daughter is terrible.
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Post by James C T on Jun 17, 2014 11:32:57 GMT -8
Thank You James Today I feel very guilty, The weight of it is crushing. I am having terrible self doubt. The problem is that the guilt make me think that maybe I am wrong and not seeing it correctly. She is always trying to help, help, help maybe it is all with good intentions but when ever I am around her, all I want to do is run away, The chest pain associated with seeing her and even the thought if see her is unbelievable. Last night my daughter took my husband and I out for dinner for fathers day, My mother was there. I was cordial, gave her hugs and spoke to her a couple of times but the guilt of not being that overly excited doting daughter is terrible. It has been my experience that a lot of the guilt I feel is misplaced. People in my life exploit my conscience, my being a nice guy, to get what they want. It's perfectly natural to want time for yourself and time with your husband. And it's natural under the circumstances to want to run away when you're around her. It's okay to feel as you feel. I promise. |
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Post by sherrie on Jun 17, 2014 11:43:14 GMT -8
Thank you James, sometime just hearing affirming words from another person helps me to stand my ground and take a little bit of the doubt away
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Post by stellatarum on Aug 12, 2014 17:42:36 GMT -8
Hi Sherrie,
I too am a survivor of Mother/Daughter emotional incest. I can relate to you feeling of liberation to finally have a word to describe the unsettling relationship to your mother. My mother too tried to control me, use me as her entertainment, live vicariously through me... Thank god she hasn't come to visit the same way your mom does. I can't even imagine how awful those months must be. I can barely stand being around my mother for a few hours. I visit with her sometimes, but never alone anymore. I usually make sure my boyfriend, sister, or father is there. She is better behaved then and crosses boundaries less. Do you think your mother has a personality disorder? i think my mom is borderline or narcissistic, but she would never go to a therapist.
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Post by sherrie on Aug 16, 2014 18:46:21 GMT -8
Stellatarum, I don't know what is wrong with her. I have done so much research and have never been able to narrow it down to a specific disorder
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Post by amers on Jan 21, 2015 12:00:21 GMT -8
I recently read that the most compassionate people have the strongest boundaries. I was confused by this until I sat with it and realized that having no boundaries meant resentment and false compassion. I am newly aware of my own covert incest experience and know that being clear about what I can and can't do is REALLY important to having any kind of relationship with my dad. Fortunately, he is respectful of me and my wishes. I'm still working on the guilt (I don't want to be around him) and anger (wow, very self-centered to put your own needs above those of a child).
Boundaries were a mystery to me and now I know why. I really like them and I feel safer when I express them…still a work in progress though
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