Post by rachel on Apr 20, 2014 16:25:33 GMT -8
Hello,
I'm grateful to find this forum which acknowledges covert incest. In my late 40's, I'm just starting to explore the impact of covert incest by my father on my life. I am the eldest of 4 children of post-secondary school educated and professionally employed parents. Although my mother was in the home when she was not working, from about age 10 I was effectively forced to be my father's confidante and caretaker and a primary caretaker for my younger siblings as well. From adolescence, I was aware that he desired me sexually, although there was no physical sexual contact that I recall. My father's coercion of me into the "wife" role was supported by his instiling in me a profound sense of fear and efforts to subject me to his total control which began when I was very young.
At a young age, I quietly feared and disliked my father -- "quietly" because my fears prevented me from being more vocal as did my mother being "on-side" with my father. I recall whispering to my mother when I was five years old that I was "scared of daddy;" my mother's response to this evidently was to talk to my father about this. A few hours later I was summoned to the living room to face the two of them, my mother by my father's side instructing me that in fact I wasn't scared of my father, but rather I respected him.
My father had age-inappropriate expectations of my abilities and behaviour from a very young age. From the time I was a toddler at least, he centred me out as the object of his rages, ridicule and mocking behaviours. As I got older, if I protested this abuse, he abjectly denied any wrongdoing. He demanded complete obedience to his wishes; often, there were guilt-inducing speeches with religious undertones granting him the unquestionable authority of "the father." My mother, very submissive and "good", overtly supported his authority and his insistence on ultimate control. While he didn't resort to physical abuse (that I can recall), he used subtle and powerful tactics to instil fear and intimidation. His facial expressions and physical posturing were frightening and intimidating and at one point he sat across from me with an open jack-knife which he repeatedly tossed and stabbed into the living room carpet. At times I went to sleep with thoughts that he might kill me in the night. At some point when I was older and had moved away from home, he let me know that he had purchased a rifle. I have never learned his purpose for having it; he doesn't hunt.
As a youth, I was often prevented from doing my homework in the evenings while he insisted that I sit across from him and listen to his business and other concerns and conspiracy-like theories for several hours at a time. When I was 16 years old, he took me aside privately and told me his plan that essentially I would "adopt" (his word) my younger siblings. He explained that what he meant by this was that I would not obtain further education after high school, but rather I would work and support my younger siblings including supporting them through post-secondary education if they wished. I realize now that this was at least in part an effort of his to prevent me from leaving him because he had become dependent on me for emotional intimacy and support. The other part was of course to harness my potential for income earning and household tasks for his own use and control. While my mother had some protestations about me not going to university initially, ultimately she sat next to my father on the couch and parroted his rationale of "from each according to their abilities; to each according to their need" (and I believe now the doctrine I was getting was not religious but rather related to Karl Marx).
The denial in my family is as thick as the pain. Although my father is unquestionably a very unstable man emotionally and mentally, to my knowledge, he has not had needed psychiatric treatment. He does not acknowledge his mental instability and it is denied by my mother and, mostly, by my siblings as well.
While there are many difficult aspects of my upbringing, one of the most difficult is that I remained "trapped" in a dynamic of covert incest with my father until I was about 26 years old and in lesser form even after that time. This involved a lot of intense and confusing emotions towards him on my part -- anger, hatred, love, and the most shameful and isolating of all -- even sexual desire.
I'm grateful that I now have the help of a skilled psychologist, although the "unravelling" and "reknitting" I have to do to get my emotions and my life in order at times seems daunting.
Thank you for this opportunity to put words to my experience.
I'm grateful to find this forum which acknowledges covert incest. In my late 40's, I'm just starting to explore the impact of covert incest by my father on my life. I am the eldest of 4 children of post-secondary school educated and professionally employed parents. Although my mother was in the home when she was not working, from about age 10 I was effectively forced to be my father's confidante and caretaker and a primary caretaker for my younger siblings as well. From adolescence, I was aware that he desired me sexually, although there was no physical sexual contact that I recall. My father's coercion of me into the "wife" role was supported by his instiling in me a profound sense of fear and efforts to subject me to his total control which began when I was very young.
At a young age, I quietly feared and disliked my father -- "quietly" because my fears prevented me from being more vocal as did my mother being "on-side" with my father. I recall whispering to my mother when I was five years old that I was "scared of daddy;" my mother's response to this evidently was to talk to my father about this. A few hours later I was summoned to the living room to face the two of them, my mother by my father's side instructing me that in fact I wasn't scared of my father, but rather I respected him.
My father had age-inappropriate expectations of my abilities and behaviour from a very young age. From the time I was a toddler at least, he centred me out as the object of his rages, ridicule and mocking behaviours. As I got older, if I protested this abuse, he abjectly denied any wrongdoing. He demanded complete obedience to his wishes; often, there were guilt-inducing speeches with religious undertones granting him the unquestionable authority of "the father." My mother, very submissive and "good", overtly supported his authority and his insistence on ultimate control. While he didn't resort to physical abuse (that I can recall), he used subtle and powerful tactics to instil fear and intimidation. His facial expressions and physical posturing were frightening and intimidating and at one point he sat across from me with an open jack-knife which he repeatedly tossed and stabbed into the living room carpet. At times I went to sleep with thoughts that he might kill me in the night. At some point when I was older and had moved away from home, he let me know that he had purchased a rifle. I have never learned his purpose for having it; he doesn't hunt.
As a youth, I was often prevented from doing my homework in the evenings while he insisted that I sit across from him and listen to his business and other concerns and conspiracy-like theories for several hours at a time. When I was 16 years old, he took me aside privately and told me his plan that essentially I would "adopt" (his word) my younger siblings. He explained that what he meant by this was that I would not obtain further education after high school, but rather I would work and support my younger siblings including supporting them through post-secondary education if they wished. I realize now that this was at least in part an effort of his to prevent me from leaving him because he had become dependent on me for emotional intimacy and support. The other part was of course to harness my potential for income earning and household tasks for his own use and control. While my mother had some protestations about me not going to university initially, ultimately she sat next to my father on the couch and parroted his rationale of "from each according to their abilities; to each according to their need" (and I believe now the doctrine I was getting was not religious but rather related to Karl Marx).
The denial in my family is as thick as the pain. Although my father is unquestionably a very unstable man emotionally and mentally, to my knowledge, he has not had needed psychiatric treatment. He does not acknowledge his mental instability and it is denied by my mother and, mostly, by my siblings as well.
While there are many difficult aspects of my upbringing, one of the most difficult is that I remained "trapped" in a dynamic of covert incest with my father until I was about 26 years old and in lesser form even after that time. This involved a lot of intense and confusing emotions towards him on my part -- anger, hatred, love, and the most shameful and isolating of all -- even sexual desire.
I'm grateful that I now have the help of a skilled psychologist, although the "unravelling" and "reknitting" I have to do to get my emotions and my life in order at times seems daunting.
Thank you for this opportunity to put words to my experience.